Reality from Rachel: Writing it like it is

Loose ends

2011-01-18T23:10:00.000-08:00

For several months now I've wanted to write the last chapter of my time of illness. For weeks now I've been thinking about writing a closing post. To finish off my story for anyone who might stumble upon this blog, or those who kindly read it. (Thank you)

Then the holidays kept me busy. Then I debated how open I wanted to be with an unknown reader. I don't share so much of my reality with many people anymore. Today there is only a small handful I would share the same kind stuff that used to I shared with just anyone before I got sick. Even less now that it looks like I'm as healed as I'm going to get. This all gave such good reasons to not write an ending.

Writing a closing post was also put off when I realized, "I should do it a year after I made my last post" That day is now, yet I still am not sure what to write. I want write honestly and tie up lose ends. But I don't like feeling venerable anymore, so I want to write protectively. I can't figure out how to do both. But I like endings to my stories. Especially when they are more pleasant than I expected. And I appreciate those who read and commented on my blog during a time that I really really needed the special experience a blog can give.

For now I am...

Alive.
A full time mom (for the past 7 months).
Able to walk long distances (record 3.5 miles) and get pain relief from it.
A Graduate from PT, but currently I'm back working on my master's degree in as I continue to figure out how to take care of this body.
Getting great low back/leg pain relief from a "SpinoMed" brace. (but it's only the latest in countless devices that helped...for a time)
Able to cook a meal and still eat with my family without increasing my general level of pain.
Doing projects around the house (right now a big one for Grant's birthday)
Working on my well practiced (but bad) habit of swearing (I lose points everyday, but Grant might have me beat)
Taking my kids to doc appointments, including therapy.
Doing homework with the 3 kids who have it.
Singing songs, giving kisses and talking to each child at night.
Driving. Especially driving to Seattle without spending all my health reserves.
Standing in line, sitting in chairs.
looking a bedroom dresser free of medical forms, notes or info sheets. (shreading/ packing up those last signs of my illness has encouraged me to finish this blog too)
Go to school functions, even volunteer.
Go out to eat.
Camp and other much more fun vacations.
Go grocery shopping, household shopping, and even shop at two stores in one day.
And so more that i don't even think about because it's so natural to me now.

All of those things I couldn't do without dramatic increases in my pain. Many of those things I just didn't do. Or if I did them at all, I couldn't do it without stopping to have a break to lay flat. Without headaches. Without feeling overwhelmed(which led to the yelling and before mentioned swearing). Without hurting bad enough that I whimper "I hurt" without even thinking the words. Without "paying for it." With out hating.

I couldn't have done it without:

My husband, who didn't wavier in kindness, parenting, house duties, support and love. Even when anger and pain had burnt me to a crisp. Without him, there would be little reason for the work it's taken to get as well as I have been able. And because of him I am more able to do all the work it takes to STAY as well as I have reached so far.
My primary care doc (she is also my OB) who didn't ever give up, cried with me, and celebrated with me.
A pain management doc (Cassius) who specializes in Marcaine injections in the spine and muscles. He managed to properly get my thyroid disorder recognized and treated. His encouragement pushed me thru the some of worst days of my illness when I gave up all narcotic pain medicine 10 months ago. My pain is not my primary thought and motivator because of his skill.
A good endocrinologist. Wish I found him after Alex was born, I would have remembered more of my kid's infancies instead of drowning in a dark hole after each birth...if my thyroid had been properly diagnosed and treated.
Therapists and med doctors who specialized in chronic pain
My best shrink, a great LDS guy who has known me for 9 years, who I trusted enough to hang on. And he gave me confidence in my skill so far and future ability to hang on.
10 months of a general physical therapist (Joan believed in me) and a little less time with a pelvic floor physical therapist (Myndee's work and advice set the rest of my healing in forward motion).
A family therapist for the kids. She helped us understand how to respond to each child's different symptoms of trauma from this time. I hope none of your kids ever cry at night because they were worried that this time, this surgery their mom might die. Or become so withdrawn that there is no way to comfort them.

I wish I felt this was a safe enough space to share more without being judged. Having the stitches and wounds heal was horrible on the body. I thought I was done when the skin healed. Then a new tidal wave hit, emotionally healing from this drawn out medical roller coaster. I don't know if healing spiritually was an after shock of that wave, or it's own separate space that needed healing.

Regardless, I thought I was done. No one told me that I'd have to heal a third time, this time healing my family. Each of these steps, I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could face the work, do the actions or even ever feel like I accomplished anything. Each was painful in such a different way, that I can't even put them in order of "what sucked the most about this 3.5 year hell". That's 3-4 distinct stages of healing, (which each give you a huge sticker on your head that says, "judge me")(But those who wear non-polarizing glasses can see it really says, "love me")

I'm sure I've forgotten someone on this path. I've left out all non-medical people intentionally as part of my desire to not be venerable. Selfish yes, but I'm not ready. There were those people who have lifted me, answered the door and phone at important times, or had been so inspired in their actions that I felt loved when my emotions were blazing hot...those people were amazing. It was because of those kind of people like that I was able to even desire to find my faith in God and also in my church I hope they know who they are.

I'm not sure where Julie fits in here, so she gets her own place. A nanny who we were so blessed to find, blessed that she put up with us for 18 months or so, and blessed that the situation was such that we were able to ease me back into motherhood slowly. Boy, were those tough weeks as I was given back the job title of "full time mom". I wasn't sure we would make it thru.

Once again, I find that my fingers were able to write a post that I didn't think possible. At this late hour, I think I've included enough to tie up loose ends and keep safe those things tender to me. Thank you for following my blog, however much I knew you. Thank you for prayers and thoughts that were sent my way. Thank you for a mostly great experience I had as I gained the title, "blogger." Thank you.

So with that I finish this blog, a record of my past, of when I was ill for so long. I hope we never come close to experiencing this time again.

And if there is another stage of healing, I quit.

The End

Does taking my positive focus posters off my wall mean...

2010-01-17T17:03:00.000-08:00

That a child pulled the poster off and cut their head?

That grant thinks my scars are healed enough and he wants his clean white bedroom wall back.

That I have picture frames to out up Still not done with the hanging part of my big project.

Or I'm ready to move on in this stage of my grief and don't want to see signs of my illness (anymore than have to.)

So, which do you think it is?
1,2,3 or 4?

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6words chores

2010-01-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

Dead bees remind to bury 2009

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6 words of Mark

2010-01-16T13:49:00.000-08:00

Cut hair takes the baby away.

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6 word story physical therapy

2010-01-16T10:10:00.000-08:00

Cold pool! Still worth it? Maybe.

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6 word story about Kate

2010-01-16T04:24:00.000-08:00

Vomit! Never, please, in the night.

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6 words

2010-01-16T00:07:00.000-08:00

How fast she will fit it.

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6 words

2010-01-15T23:55:00.000-08:00

Trouble. Too soon he learns it.

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6 words

2010-01-15T23:53:00.000-08:00

New glasses. Makes nerds feel hot.

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Monkey urine

2010-01-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

Is what I thought this box said. Do you see how?
lol

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If you see me out walking, don't think I'm fine...

2010-01-12T19:33:00.000-08:00

...because I'm not.

I'm working to make my muscles strong enough to compensate for the floppy tendons which are causing me pain. Another side effect of low collegen. The doctors are hopeful that this painful work will lead to less painful days ahead. I must have a bit of hope left in me, because I am walking. When I think about it, these days(years) I'm never lonely, because I have pain as my walking buddy.

If you see me walking and wearing nice clothes, don't say, "you look good (and/or) you must be feeling better"

I'm not.

Screw looking good. If I am wearing nice clothes, really the only assumption you should make is that I put on nice clothes that day. One thing that isn't broken is my desire to be pretty. My clothing choices are independent of my health. I really love some of my new clothes. Except for the necessary old lady pants, with the damn elastic waist bands. Old lady or toddler pants, they are equally degrading. So looking good one day is not a sign of no pain. Looking worse, however, is a sign of more pain.

Pain I write this as I walk. In the rain. The rain is getting heavy, but I'm now getting hot under this hood. ...ah! I look up to stretch my neck and my face covered in rain. Feels like tears. Which reminds me of how hard I cried for over a month after my last surgery. Stina, have I told you thanks yet this week? Thanks for borrowing 2 cars, and driving all night from Utah (12 hours) to be by my side. After that time after number 5. I really thought I would never make it through.

But I digress again, please don't ask me how I'm feeling or if I'm fine, because I don't have an answer. The thoughts are big and it take much energy to give the interviewer a question that will satisfy. If I give a positive one, I worry that it gives the idea that missed times of past kindness are okay, because I'm turned out fine. If I give a negative answer, I later feel judged as a complaining whiner.

So can you ask how I am? The best answer I can give is I'll bring it up if I want to talk about it.

I really don't want to appear rude. But it hurts me to be asked and to figure out what you really mean. Hello, or a recap of the week.

So if you see me walking around, don't ask THE question, and it really is meant as a question, "you must be feeling good".

Instead say, "it's good to are you walking".

I know the answer to that one.

THANKS

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Pool therapy part 1, right photo

2010-01-12T06:32:00.000-08:00

For my sisters, this is what my coat looks like on a hanger.

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Pool therapy, part2

2010-01-11T17:59:00.000-08:00

Next I prep the shower. A plastic shopping bag holds them when damp. With pool twice a week, I just don't have it in me to shower at home. This warm, spotless shower encourages bathing and shaving With its high bench, I can actually touch my calves without ripping my leg off..

I have happy thoughts tied to this room. After the pool I usually feel so alive, with my pain held back from the waters healing powers.

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pool physical therapy, step 1

2010-01-11T09:26:00.000-08:00

Take off socks and shoes.
Leave shoes under the bench.
Puts socks up on the shelf, because it hurts too much to get them later.
Feel odd that they are separated, like divorced parents.
tuck previously selected gossip magazine next to socks.

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Floating annual winter team party

2010-01-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

Beautiful, glittering. Both the dresses and the dessert.

Formerly known as the office Christmas party, this boat ride of music and dinner for 100 was quite glamorous. The real gold that dusted half the deserts was the most decadent thing I ever ate.

With some extras on the plates as we went ashore, I tucked two lemon sponge cakes and one chocolate mouse tart into my purse. can't wait to see the reaction from the kids.

After 9 am church

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Dropped while we shopped

2010-01-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

Nordstrum evening gowns are like eye sex. All I left with was clogs that fit orthodics.

didn't find the gift I came for. can't say what because birthday boy Grant reads this. Did find christmas gifts and decor 75% off at pennys. Did find amy b's bday gift.

And I didn't die of pain

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Love my engrish

2010-01-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

Can you see size of this? This hospital shampoo packet fits in my palm. It's made in china I looked on Just like its people, big things for them are small over here.

Case in point, the back of this
34 oz shampoo packet says

34 oz.

This is perfect for getting thru security while still washing all the hair of your family of 12.

Look on my funny tabs to find to funny foreign engrish. It will take you take you to engrish mistakes
found around the world.

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Doctors, doctors, can’t I be well?

2010-01-04T14:27:00.001-08:00

I’ve been more quiet that normal about my health. I’m not sharing details anymore, since it makes me too vulnerable to painful comments. My quiet does not mean I’m better.

Words I’ve heard this past months that I am or am not the subject of:

Do your Kegels

Intense cluster migraines (new record, 12 days!)

Edema and Tendinitis in the butt (“gluteus medius musculotedninous unit*”) = Ultrasound machine on the butt. That’s just swell! *hehe, the best info I found was on a senior health website! Proof that I really am 60!)

Torn Labrum of the hip? Not from sports, but from horrible position of my leg/knee in labor. It should not be held up to your ear.

“I don’t have any suspicion that you have Lupus, since so far your blood works shows none of the many markers for it.”

“Are you doing you kegels?”

“Of the 7 forms of Celiacs Disease, only one is gut related”

Miyofascia massage (and or deep tissue) should be call pinching skin torture

“I want you to see me twice a week.”

“….with the needle giving a injection directly into the hip joint (for 90% MRI accuracy in seeing tears)” ***Happy New Years Eve!***

“Mild fraying (type 1 tear) of the anterior labrum”

“Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Time allows for processes” -Jon Burner

Functional Thoracic outlet syndrome (TOS) (yes, it could have been worse, despite not being able to write more than three handwritten pages)

(had to share this super sexy photo that is one way to diagnose TOS.

“I want you [to ALSO] see me twice a week.”

“…Painless Paralysis leading to exaggerated guarding, ask (yet another)doctor about Botox injections”

Clinical Hostility

“Make sure you do your kegels, and teach your teenage daughters to do it for their whole lives too.”

We’ll do lab work and follow up in a few weeks.

Looking up the real, current meanings of words is much more educational than leaning on your presumptions: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosis; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomanic_episode; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gossip; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hostility; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypocondriac

I’m have signs of addiction to Lyrica (Pregabalin) more than any of my other pain killers. Since that isn’t a narcotic, no one cares. Other drugs on my list freak people out. It sucks that there is only stigma related to narcotics.

Looking back towards previous centuries: “Hyster wanders outside of the uterus = hysteria” Something to ponder on. This just proves how a woman in pain is to be counted: Worthless and “it’s all in her head”. Luckily, I don’t have a single doctor who believes that. Sadly, I’m one of few women who have supportive doctors.

For those of you still reading, you’re cool.

For those of you who clicked on a link or two, you’re even cooler.

For those of you who realized that there is a difference between really crappy health and being afraid you might get crappy health, you get a gold star.

Now if you’ll excuse, I’ve got to do some kegels while I eat lunch.

(Dear Wikipedia,

I love you. When I try to share the huge amount of info I have with friends, you are a great resource for the right info, condensed, without trying to sell me a supplement. Thanks for being cool.

Love, Rachel)

Practice for first school day of 2010

2010-01-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

6:45am. Too early when all have woken at 8.30 all week. This is day three of alarm clocks, picking loud dancing music and waking the kids. Hmmm, hot apple juve might get is all out of our holiday schedule beds. Canly do got chocolate since alex threw up last night. A symptom of Fifths disease that emily started? Her rash makes her look like alex won after a whole body slap down.
Of course, having only slept two hours myself is going to make the day interesting. slap happy jokes make even the pain and good book, then racing thoughts seem funny.

Now its exactly 7 am. Time to get a cd started before I'm too late!

What are you going to do to survive the first school morning of 2010?

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laughing so hard my cheeks hurt

2009-12-31T20:10:00.000-08:00

Thanks guys! If I had been drinking, I might have also squirted it out my nose.

This is my dear friend JoAnn's big New Years Eve party. As I write this we have an hour till the ball drop. The new york ball, that is. Live on a huge screen, with Sparkling apple juice for all the kids in plastic cups, and glass for the two mormons.

Sue just asked if we should give Mark another juice box or cut him off. I would get up and help, but I NEED to rest.

Pain is worse than normal. I went in for a hip MRI today. This hip/leg pain that won't go away fits the symptoms of a torn labrum. it's often torn in labor when a woman's legs are unhelpfully bent towards her ears.

I knew I would have contrast. I had forgotten that I would receive it with a needle into hip socket. That is why I did not get the test 6 weeks ago, when this rip was mentioned. So I go in, clueless. In a back room far from the MRI, they tell me what is next. Holding still, naked, being held down, alone...
...3 inch needle. During the test the only word I spoke was F#!&. I spoke it 7 times.

So sitting next to those 3 guys was perfect. Laughing so hard that I forgot (for a few seconds) that my leg felt like it was being burned off at the hip.

Happy ehfing new year, from my couch to yours.

Thank goodness I'm at a great party or I might be in a bad mood.

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Princess and the frog is better next to an adoring 3 year old...

2009-12-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

...and her sister. Especially while she holds a popcorn bucket she could fit in.

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I am the Catan champion!

2009-12-30T00:22:00.000-08:00

Playing settlers of Catan. Can you guess why I'm smiling? Alex got to stay up to make it a foursome with our guest.
Grants baby brother Kenneth is over. we've had him since the first hours of Christmas Eve (late late flight.)

Its been great to have him. Tomorrow morning we say goodbye. We enjoyed
...that he is a bachelor and only brings himself to our tiny house.
....that he is not a student, hence he doesn't need to sleep in.
...both of the above mean he has much energy and capacity for our chaos and to jump on in here.
...the kids adore him
...he eats anything and wants to do anything or nothing
...he accompanied both FHE songs with a guitar.
...he borrowed a guitar and has been the biggest supplier of music this week.
....he brought fun, unexpected christmas gifts. Fresh picked and roasted nuts, diary of a whimpy kid and the creepy "ripley believe it or not" book
....he was grossed out by Grants huge barking spiders
...because he was feeling nostalgic for the Richins family event place, he picked Old Country Buffet for dinner. We are all still very happy with that choice. More so because of their new Slushie machine.

Now the game is done, with grant in 2nd and kenneth in 3rd.

Great, now he really won't want to come over.

But on the bright side.

I won. I won. I won twice in a row I WON!!!

And most of all ulcer enjoyed beating kenneth, alex and grant at the board game "Settlers of Catan" for two games in a row. The first time he would have won right after my turn. Instead of redeeming himself, I squashed him further. I did get lucky with two victory points AND largest army. I came out of the blue to win! It was such a shock that the boys have continued playing for second place.

I hope Kenneth wins because we would like to appear to be better hosts than we are. And we want him to come back.
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How can one spoonful...

2009-12-29T16:52:00.000-08:00

Of peanut butter spread as far?

If you're hungry in our house, a spoonful of peanut butter is offered....
For a late breakfast
For a child who doesn't like any of the hundred foods for breakfast
For a snack for a ethiopian starving child who can't wait 5 minutes till dinner.
For a mom whose running late for a doctor appointment right before lunch.
For a ill mom who made it home, and is in more pain than she is starving. Peanut butter spoons are great reclining foods.

(ill...ill means sick, sick means something is wrong. If the something wrong is pain of an undefined region, can you call it ill? What word should I use to say my body is broken and to prevent homicide, I must rest? Is ill the right word?)

We interrupt this regularly scheduled medical rant to bring you back to the photo...

Back to spoons. Alex wanted a single slice of white bread for breakfast. His teacher and I disagree with his choice. So a peanut butter spoon is offered.

Mark recognizes it. He eats the spoon very neatly for 2 out of 3 spoons.

This morning was a 1 out of 3 mess.

In his hair from is left ear to his crown

What a fun oily mess to add to my painful morning.

What food ends up in your hair or the hair you clean up?

Post forgotten from november

And all he got was a gift card.

2009-12-26T20:31:00.001-08:00

Joe I. is our FHE buddy. He’s been our sanity during the chaos of the event and been mostly on{best ever} Treat Duty. Although anxious little hands have left him out of song duty until last week, he has jumped in with every FHE assignment. We even took photos with him, then used them to decorated Christmas tree ornaments to remember this new friendship. Being far removed from the Christmas Spirit, I was caught of guard when Joe walked in with a pile of presents for the whole family.

Each of us got a present. Very impressive presents. Very pretty presents. The prettiest presents in our Christmas present shelf (instead of a Christmas tree) Ideal presents with so much thought, that we feel we’ve had gifts from a skilled gift giver. Let me give you a sample:

Emily got vintage replicas of the original Mickey and Mini Mouse. In the last 24 hours, they have been in her bed, in her arms, watching her play in different rooms and loved while being pursued by a drolly baby.

Mark got a Mr. Potato Head. I wish I would have bought one before, but there was always something else to buy. I realize now it should have been at the top of my list years ago.

This is Rachel and Emily’s reaction after Mark opened his gift. It was to our families first ever Mr. Potato Head. I’ve already been played with Mark 6 times with this super cool toy. It’s good enough to distract Mark while he plays in our room.

Everyone was actually happy here as they discovered Mr. Potato Head’s different parts. Apparently, Mr. Potato head is into S&M, with his handcuffs and all.

This photo doesn’t do our joy justice. My eyes are all shifty as I guessed the camera placement on this self portrait. We got 3 gift cards to a movie theater. Now the only thing keeping us from a fun date is PICKING a movie. Super sweet!

Alex couldn’t keep the smile off his face, even as he talked. He got a super special airplane with a few lego pieces he’s never seen before. He missed out on the next few turns of gifts while he put it together. So happy, and it hasn’t faded yet.

Joe found the softest, biggest, and most cute stuffed monkey. I love his cartoonish face. Oh, and I must say something about wrapping. Joe did an excellent job wrapping the gifts, in paper that stood out, with beautiful bows. Way to go!

Joe just got a less cool gift card. To understand why we got him a card to Black Angus, you must understand that he goes to Wendy’s for dinner pretty often. We told him it was an “upgrade” for dinner. The tag to his gift was started by a comment by Grant.

Dinner at Wendy’s           4.59

Monday night treats       8.99

FHE referee                        PRICELESS

Thanks Joe, I hope you realize that this is your Thank You card. You deserve much more!

Clean table

2009-12-25T00:49:00.000-08:00

Christmas eve.
1 am
2.5 walls done
One brother in law who is now my favorite, kenneth you rock
All photos in frames for 24 hours
All frames sorted by wall and with a digital picture of the ideal layout.

And best of all, the guys wrapping presents all day. I haven't wrapped one in days. So long that I can't remember what day it was.

Amy barry's gift tricks rocked. The gifts in 4 huge trash bags, one for each child. It made it possible to be in Emilys bed with a migraine and not be disturbed for hours. And the best gift I get credit for, instead of an imaginary more fat man.

Now we are playing games next to a room once again filled with too many gifts. Stocking stuffed with one too many "special once a year" treats.

But we are done. Done in so many wonderful ways.

BEST feeling, above the gifts and below the picture frame project,

I don't have a christmas tree or decorations to put away. Supper sweet.

Merry christmas to all and to all a good night.

Oh, aimee shaw, now that my "just one week" of borrowing your table is over, I'll get it right back to you. And yes, in my universe we have 29 days in a week.

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Aunt Beth is so damn fun!

2009-12-24T09:18:00.000-08:00

Emily and "Smith 2nd cousins" decorating fresh baked cookies. Dough and icing was whipped up by Aunt Beth.

It is the best tasting cookie dough Grant declares. Better than the baked cookies, which I declare to be the best EVER. Its from an out of print McCalls cook book that beth declares to be the best cookbook on the planet. The books binding has finished its disintegration. The real amount of butter and nutmeg

She almost died a few months ago. Years of Diverticulitis attacks had left her colon so scarred. The doc
said that the next stage would have been death. As it was, she hurt so bad she just didn't eat. Then they realized she was septic. And she lost 8 inches of colon. She beat me by 2 inches.

She is my funny, solid and mentally sound, cooks as fast as opening a bakery box with the taste of heaven made all day. She all swears like that old apostle, J Golden Kimball.

I can be my new self at her house. SWEET. that is worth having the one hour drive.

This morning I get a call to bring the kids with our first visit in years. They were watching 4 of 5 of Jonathans kids. Bring the kids, it will be fun on every part. We negotiated and brought the older two.

The years between visits was their choice, not ours. Remodeling with no banister to separate the 2nd floor from the stairs down. And graduate school. And illness. I missed them. We missed them.

Before this post gets so long it won't be read, or I don't get my COMPLETELY FINISHED PHOTO FRAMES up on the wall, I'll share this

Grant telling his Aunt that unlike the job she was fired from, he has few office politics

"The great thing about microsoft is that their are so many socially inept people that there are no office politics. They either can't get it together to appear that they are snubbing or they are so inept that they have no idea they were just snubbed."

Merry christmas eve to all! Grants brother kenneth is here, grants off work and making pancakes and the house is very very very happy. A very merry christmas indeed Now go eat some cookies with me!

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9.30 am

2009-12-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

Photo is of emily and mark, a near home.

930 am
Nanny walks in the door.
Gathers kate for ot.
Alex cries as he has to choose between wearing 1 of 4 slippery fabric gym pants or paying me 20 dollars. At the store he solidly agreed he would wear them. So I bought them. That was a month ago. This fight was delayed because he wore shorts to school, even on cold days. Once the frost arrived, I took them out of his drawers. Three weeks later the last pair was cornered which begat much wailing and nashing of teeth today. alex wanted to spend his allowance more than the comfort achieved by slowly buying the dreaded pants from me.

So at 8.30 alex left in the van, in slippery pants, with 2.00, minus tithing, with nanny and kate to woodinville therapy.

At 8.30 grant also left the house to catch the bus to work. I felt sore, and wished I could join him. It hit me that I really could!

I asked if the bus was far enough behind time that he could buckled nearly naked mark into his stroller. With a yes, I ran to my room, threw on sweats that I probably never would swap for today clothes. Emily had got dressed before her morning chore which begat her knocking a glass off the counter which begat the choice to either learn to clean up broken glass or doing an extra chore while mom cleaned it up which begat her cleaning it up which begat a hard heart while mom taught her which begat an hour long tantrum quietly screamed in her bedroom closet. (*sigh*, so worth cleaning out a while back!)

9.34am rachel is decent, emily,s coat on, mark bundled like a caterpillar. We walk grant on the bus, kiss him goodbye and continue on our way

The smile on our faces tells me that we've reset our brains and bodies. Everyone is set to have a good day.

What a great 9.30am, a rare treat not an ideal to live up to. I had no idea what this morning will begat now.

What happened to you this morning?

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Big piece of photo puzzle, CHECK!

2009-12-21T23:24:00.000-08:00

1 great great grandma at the top
8 great grandparents
4 grandparents

All alive when alex was born.
All in in a frame together with their titles and names in gold.

Beautiful. And its not at all because of my hand work.

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Christmas sunday, minus two

2009-12-20T14:08:00.000-08:00

mark woke up with a 102 or 104 fever. Depending on the thermometer. His nose runs clear but its so swollen!!! Obviously he is in no shape to be in a church. I'm now thankful that I didn't look for a special christmas outfit for him.

I would love to join him, warm in bed to get ready for tonight's big stake choir performance. But as you can see, the position of bed warmer goes to Grant.

Since I've sacrificed some of my health to be in ward choir, I had to perform. The music this year was incredibly thoughtful and beautifully uncommon. Because of that, I wrote the lyrics and their inspiration on two pages of the ward bulletin. I put the announcements and choir gratitudes on a half page insert It was a lot of work, started after thanksgiving. I didn't ask for permission, and planned on asking forgiveness later. I know its self centered to write about that, but I didn't want to forget. I want to remember that I worked so hard on a project, but did it little by little so my health was not affected. I hid my project because I knew I would be judged harshly and I had a few mouths in mind. I don't know about all of them, but all morning I have heard such praise about the bulletin. So clever, so beautiful, so well thought out. Thank you. Loved the words, loved all those extra things, thank you.
Some of the fears didn't come around, I didn't have to say sorry to my leaders. We ran out of programs during the meeting. What I want to take most from this was the praise. I didn't even consider that people would be thankful. Or this thankful.

This was a surprise. And it ruined my plan of not talking to anyone. Inside the bulletin, I planned on sharing the lyrics because they were worth sharing.
I know that those around me have different ideas than me about my actions, thoughts and feelings. I don't are myself changing anytime soon.

I do have more love for my family than I've ever felt and acted with. I'm glad my kids gathered happily for this photo. It reminded me of how burning happy I was to sit on a bench with sharp alex next to one hip. He hasn't kept a tie on past the chapel doors in years.

My girls snuggled together on my other side. Their two dresses and hair overlapping in a way that showed two best friend sisters. No fights this year as they put on their christmas dresses. Emily want be able to squeeze into these. Matching sizes next year.

Sitting on the bench was like sitting next to a radio. Alex and emily blasted the melody to far far way on judeas plains. I couldn't keep my loud alto up with their vigor. It was awesome!

I hear children's grumbling and feet, which tells me that church classes have been released. So I must send this and get home to rest for my other choirs performance.

Happy christmas sunday to all. I leave church happy for my work creating such happiness for me.

What happened at your christmas sunday church today?

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"Raising the bar...

2009-12-19T23:55:00.000-08:00

"...for just a playdate"
Said the new sister whitmore

I said no. This toll painting project was not for the playdate. It just so happened to occur while a friend came over.

I'm trying to be happy. I want to be happy more. I wanted to be happy by enjoying emilys company. I am happy when ILM with her in a non-chore moment. Emily wanted to be happy by sharing it with her friend.

I didn't do this for a playdate. I was following the old sister Whitmores advice. I wish I would have used her great wording but its something like this....

Figure out what makes you happy. Figure out what you would do if you had a good day, a good week even. Don't wait for a good day to come along. Do it now. Do those things now, because you're going to be hurting regardless.

Have fun with whatever it is. Plan it in pieces, so the preparing for it doesn't wreck your health. Bad days come regardless of your care. So you might as well have a bad day because of fun.

So plan it. Then do it. Enjoy it. As people see you happy and active, don't be shy to tell them!!!! Tell them how you didn't do this because you were feeling better. Tell them how having fun makes you happy. Most important, tell them that you will pay. You will be in pain, in bed in exchange for those moments of happiness.

Of course you really can't tell them all that. Its not friendly and they won't get it. But when they say you must be having a good spell, honestly tell them you're not. But having this party (or whatever) will be worth it when it sends you to bed for the next week.

Something short and sweet.

I miss the advice Deb whitmore gave me. I wish she was here to help me trust again. To trust old friends, family, the church, and God. Losing that trust is a lonely, sad thing. Grant says perhaps my friends helped too much and I leaned on them too much for faith and testimony. that's what trust is anyway. I can see his view, but I can't say I feel it.

Now I'm hit so low that I can't grasp how I can trust again. And I don't have my own testimony structure to hold me up.

I think it will take a decade to sort out this post illness time. Emily will be 18 by then. Even if she is too cool for painting, I hope we have something we often do together for fun. Even if she wants a friend to join. Of course, friend or not, we have thousands of days until then. And right now is now. And now is a gold wooden mirror, two gingerbread girls, and a flower in a pot.

Boy did I hurt alot the next day. It didn't hurt bad enough to forget that But painting with Emily makes me happy. So we picked a project. We are happy. And as I lay awake in (too) early hours with pain, I knew it was worth it. The joy in her voice as we worked side by side makes it a fair trade.

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Kate on the source of ingredients

2009-12-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

Grant took the day off work today...one of those "use it or lose it" vacation days.

As I finish photo frames (at the rate of one per half hour), I hear the happy sounds of Grant and kate making cookies. (did you know, I married him because he could make pancakes and biscuits?) Overheard just now...

Kate:
"Chickens make eggs, and cows make milk. People don't make anything. People just makes pee-pee and poopie."

God sent is 3 year olds so we could laugh more.

I'm having another of a string of really painful days. The constant burn deep in my hip makes life hard and time slow. Feels like all the work I have put in (at doctors and PT) has really meant nothing to my pain. Lots of new and old ideas. I don't even want to bother writing them down because a new road is brought to my attention every other appointment. I hate this road I'm on right now, but changing roads is overwhelming, impossibly, too much energy. I cry too much as I fill out new doc forms, and I know I really can't handle that right now.

I sure am glad that dispite the pain that rips at my sanity and kindness, I have a husband who asks tiny hands for cooking help; for cookies and all the other treats that have come to our house and in my praising mouth; and for 3 year old girls who remind me of my place in the barn.

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My mommy...

2009-12-17T08:54:00.000-08:00

"my other mommy had a christmas tree. And my other mommy lets me take baths all day. She has lots of kids. Hundreds! My mom has boys and girls. The girls are gone. They are gone at their houses. She blows bubbles with me with my mouth. Its a good thing. Its not a bad thing. My dads name is russell daddy. He doesn't talk. He is a monster and the took him away. I got a new daddy since I can't see the old one'

Kates bath babble. We still don't have a christmas tree, as you can are from the piles of frames.

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Blue ginger

2009-12-15T22:43:00.000-08:00

At a korea restaurant in bellevue,
Grant, who served his mission in korea, urged me to try it. His voice was so excited when he saw them placed on our table. That was my cur to close my eyes and take a piece.

Fishy
Salty
Crunch

They looked like feeder fish, those gray fish near the goldfish. But dried, and now their skin was opaque. You could are their. Entire skeleton. Their little eyeballs seemed to say,

Hey guys! what's for lunch?

I wish we had remembered to bring the leftover ones home. The kids would have loved them. Loved them as a toy to play with and poke.

Not to eat.

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2009-12-15T15:35:00.001-08:00

Dear tuesday night,

Not a fan. Try again.

Love,
Rachel

Hav you visited dearIloveyoulove.blogspot.com?

.

Orange death

2009-12-14T06:54:00.001-08:00

This is alex's closet. That is a real pumpkin from halloween or way before in october.

I wondered how long it would have taken me to find it at the rate I clean that area. But gourds last so long right?

This one had its days numbered. From its early days it got into trouble. The russian white pumpkin mafia had been snitchrd on again. This time they realized it was their neighbor, the orange pumpkin. So early in November they stabbed HIM in the back. They knew that no one would come looking for him until next Halloween.

That may be what went down.
Or alex might have attacked it repeatedly with a paperclip, perhaps with enough knowledge about decomposition to test it under some spring jackets.

You can decide for yourself.

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Failed screen saver

2009-12-12T23:10:00.000-08:00

Photo
By Joe, our FHE buddy
An attempt to get a background for my cell phone that shows my family. No cropped off husbands. No babies heads cut off. Is that really so much to ask? I didn't give up this much for these 4 kids for half of them to be whole.

Mark cried most of the time. Their are few shots you can't tell he is crying This is because he is rotating is head faster than the shutter speed.

Kate smiled more. At the window. At the wall. At the floor. Behind herself, at me.

Grant didn't let me down. He is always fine for a family photo. As long as it is over after one shot. I'm not joking, ask him. Consequently, most faces are grimaces. Its a good thing photos can't talk. Grant sure can talk with his mouth still. Of course, one might say that my skills are greater. I can yell as I keep my face in a pretty smile. I can also come up with bribes and threats between continuous shots.

Alex and Emily have proved themselves more mature. They are looking forward for every shot. Their hands have been possessed by teenagers. At first panic, I told myself that they were imitating surfers. Hang tight and all that. Then then tongues came out, the hair started to shake. Perhaps they were just seizing. That wouldn't be so bad. But then I heard the sounds, with each gasp. They were doubtlessly head banging.

I never did get a photo that fits in my open space. I did however, get something to blog about on a night where I needed something happy to blog about.

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Try "Alfy's"

2009-12-11T16:42:00.001-08:00

At the end of our 48 hour date.

What we've done today:
Waited much while Grant takes his turns.
Woke up slowly, and only got out of bed because the breakfast bar was going to close
Had important discussions and wrote notes on dozens of journal pages..
-extended family relationships
-service given to our family in the last 2 years
-dreams and expectations for our children's futures
-FHE lesson and theme ideas
-control over the doctors new lists for me
the roles we want to take as parents
-why we are okay after all this
-generals feelings after this illness
-vacation and holiday plans for 2 years

Right now we are finishing a card game at Alfy's. This place is awesome! Free toys, movies, video games for kids. Game room. Banquet room. Great pizza menu, full of salads, pizza side dishes like wings, deserts, drinks. There is stories of tables and booths, including a balcony. This is awesome!

Now we drive back traffic from Lynnwood.

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Aquire

2009-12-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

I'm totally kicking Grants trash tonight.

Better than winning a game from my childhood (Aquire)...
Walking away from this table for 2 hours and having it look the same when we wanted to play again.

Note to all parents of young children: 48 hours really is needed for a getaway. Distance doesn't matter as much as time. Beg, borrow, bribe or steal childcare. I may or may not condone temporary child abandonment.

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Heart stopping

2009-12-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

Emily and I @ evergreen beauty college, being pampered by Carly Jasperson.

I sat in the corner while emilys long hair got its first cut in 4 years. A migraine hangover had me blind under my hat. I looked up after the blow dry, and it was 1987. I was looking in a mirror after a Fantastic Sams haircut.

The words were the same,
"oh, sweetie, you look so beautiful and grown up"

To speak the words this time instead of hearing them stopped my heart.

I can't make the words right, but it was like Emily became her own person, in my eyes, at that moment.

And she is so beautiful and breathtaking!

To look up from under my protected hat and are myself

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Romantic candlelight breakfast

2009-12-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

If you can call romance my sleepy 4 kids while Grant is in bed. We are all happier this way.

The kids are memorized by the flame and there is no fighting.

Grant is NOT a morning person. For some reason an image of bears woken from hybernation come to mind. All 6 of us want him to get ready alone in his room. Just when the scales have tipped, he swoops out and rescues is all. He yells, I mean motivates, for the last things to be remembered. Family Scriptures and prayers, which sounds more holy than it is executed. Lately Grant walks the murderous kids a few blocks toward school. He watches them go a few more blocks while he waits at the bus stop.

This morning, however, we munch the coveted Fruit Rings by the soothing glow of candlelight. My sensitive ears heard that we have a new tradition on our hands.

Candle wednesday?

Wick wednesday? (whats a wick, mommy?)

Or fire friday?

I just hope that fire stays with them as we make them walk to school at 19 degrees, whil grant still sleeps in his bed.

What do you do differently on "special" school mornings? Poptarts on band days? Make their lunches on days you kit snooze too long?

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what's your sign?

2009-12-08T20:40:00.000-08:00

"Go away

Or

Do not disturb

Or

Do not enter

Or mom will have to go to the ER"

My bedroom door sign worked.

Thanks tammy r. For dropping everything to take me to evergreen safely for my previously scheduled appointments.

And thanks for understanding that paperwork and lobbies of of the ER overshadow the benefit of a shot.

I'm glad I haven't had to go today. Yet.

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Migraine suck

2009-12-08T19:31:00.001-08:00

This is my room. Doctors orders. I'm probably breaking them by making this post. By this is driving me a but crazy.

Please read on to the end, don't just skip "another depressing pain post"

If this doesn't work, I'm to go to the ER for "the shot". ILM not exactly sure what that is. But everyone I talk to knows.

I think I've had it before, when I woke up (2003) with my ear painfully frozen to my shoulder. 10 Min after a shot in the butt, I could move it again. And the world was oddly a very happy place.

I digress.
Today is 8 day since I had migraine #1 in this cluster. Today is #4. My super hero headache meds are only safe so often. #3 was successfully treated with my breakthrough nose spray pain med. Today that same spray made it worse, including the special (one time only) anxiety best described as hysteria.

I was told many things today as I struggled thru the day with 2 not to be missed doctor appointments.

The one I choose to write about is my hellish headache. I was told to got in a dark cave, take the super hero pill, and stay there for two hours. And if it didn't work, I needed to shot.

And try to relax.
When I'm told that, I cry. This is so hard. This time of constant, unending pain. Like I just got off a horse, then slipped in the mud, landing on my left side.

Hours of doctor appointments. Equaling several days of my winter life. And I still don't have a peaceful name to share with you all. To know why I hurt, how I feel, and what life will now be like.

What life will now be like. I don't know what this time of illness has left me with. I do know that for sure, my life will never be the same. And its a bad kind of not the same.

Yesterday I made 3 choices of fun activities. All thee could only happen yesterday. Fun enough to be worth the extra 5 bad days I would be trading for the fun.

Today I admit I made the wrong trade. This is made worse because I traded peoples view of me. I acted well. I was to nice. Then I left, laid on the floor and cried in pain. I play the part of healthy to convincingly. I'm sure reading my blog is immensely confusing to people. Sorry that its this was. Every smile has pain behind it.

I really wish I could make my brain go dark and quiet like my room.

I have to let you go now, because I've got to find my replies to drown out the screams of 6 family members. Migraines suck. I'm going to take a hot, relaxing shower in the dark.

What would you do in a dark room? Not even reading lights ladies!

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I forgot what happy looked like

2009-12-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

This is me, the friday before thanksgiving.

Can you see it? My eyebrows are relaxed. My face is not wrinkled. I am happy. I was happy.

Its sunday. The worst, hardest day of the week for me. I can't even remember what I was doing that made me so happy.

Grant and dr clark tell me to hold on, I'll be happy again someday

I agree on some points. I think I'll grab moments of happiness on things I can not guess.

Now I will give in to sleep and put this whole day away. For 6 more days.

What do you think I was happy about?

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distraction

2009-12-05T19:18:00.000-08:00

1
2
3
4
5
6
7

Distraction from angst. But now I remembered how me hurting is making others hurting is making me sad is making me not myself is making me hide is making others hurt while I hurt.

But now is distraction

Atleast until they calmed down. Now I have time to think

Crap

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The view from my window, car edition

2009-12-04T19:56:00.000-08:00

On my way home from seattle, earlier this afternoon.

The good part was that grant joined me. I was very relieved to just be a passenger for 1 hour.

I have logged 100's of miles viewing the world from this angle. I wonder if my crazy drive to california in this position puts me over 1,000 miles.

Since my view left little to get lost in, I had much time to think.

My sleep study results are in. Dispite my RX list, my sleep numbers are perfect. Better than perfect. Which means my answers are not to be found in a sleep apnea. I'm being referred to a rhumitoidologist (sp).

I won't go. I can't handle a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia. Not now. Perhaps never.

The trip to seattle was to my most trusted confidant. I feel so safe and understood. Every feeling and fear and reaction is met with calm validity. Then I walk out and it's gone. As I make my world smaller and smaller, I feel better. The less interaction with the world, the more control I have of my happiness.

It doesn't matter if its true I'm just come this point during my recovery. Yesterday was really really hard. I left crying. I pulled myself together between the bathroom and the front door. I didn't make it to the car.

Emotionally I wish I had stayed at home. But I did pick up the perfect tree ornament to remember this year. Lots of pokey points. And lots of different colored, patterned sides. I am sure leaving the year pokey. I also got a needed service, a free sewing project pass.

Back to my back seat musings...
So I feel like an injured dog. Going deep into the forest to heal and lick my wounds. I found that I wanted to get out of my house in the weeks follow each surgery. I had a free pass to be "alone to lick my wounds" Now that surgical pain and support are gone, I never want to leave. And I'm stuck being to confused to explain why I'm "barking" at nearly everyone. I don't know what to say.

I do wonder what this all means for tomorrow. Will I get to point that ignore all calls and emails? That I start even getting my groceries delivered?

I'll have plenty of time to think about it on my next back seat ride.

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Should I stay of should I go?

2009-12-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

Its enrichment.
But can I leave this house of giggles?
No.

But, it's 5 min till bedtime.

Bedtime or ladies?

For once I'm not sure.

But oh how these 5 giggles warmed my heart.

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Why we will not decorate this christmas..

2009-12-02T15:50:00.000-08:00

I want to turn the laptop photo to prints the some into picture frames with different themes

THEN

We will sort the frames and pick walls to decorate them on, the nail and laser level (grant, can we buy one please!!! ) the frames on my wall.

Forget the lit tree. My little energy is going to something that will last past Dec 26.

Deck the halls with black framed photos, fa la la la laaa la la la laaa!

So santa, all I want for christmas is
To have picture frames on my wall for the first time since...dec 2004? For sure Feb 2005

So please bear with the off cell phone photos. There is much to our lives that I don't want to miss.

Happy photo-olidays to you!

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They grow up so fast

2009-12-01T18:53:00.000-08:00

Kate says, looking at a stamp on her hand,

This mark means I'm a teenager.

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Many she is a pregnant teenage teenager?

2009-12-01T18:51:00.000-08:00

She is eating a peanutbutter and cheese sandwich with pickles on top.

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How to be wet and warm

2009-11-30T10:29:00.000-08:00

My physical therapy pool is warm. Warm enough for muscles to relax, but cold enough to run without overheating.

I think something shifted in my hormones. Or maybe my body knows the sun is gone for the year. Maybe I'm like a lizard that needs the sun to feel warm

Whatever the reason, I'm the only one who complains how cold the pool is. Today I remember to put a hat in my swim bag.

doesn't this photo sing,
"one of these is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong."

Standing in a swimsuit, swim shoes (what do you think you wear on a water treadmill?), in a small pool, towels nearby and a (coordinating) winter hat...i looked so smoking hot!

For the first time this season I was warm! Even after I ran (1.8 mph, .11 miles) I didn't get hot.

I'm so happy to be warm! Now if I could only find a hat that matched my black and white coat....

What would be your perfect color and style of winter hat? I prefer two braids by the ears....

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Wet or dry?

2009-11-30T08:52:00.000-08:00

I'm here right now.
By the time this posts I'll be running on the underwater treadmill. Actually, walking.

Where are you?
Are you wet or dry?

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Lost in space..sweater

2009-11-29T18:20:00.000-08:00

No photo tells the story of this sweater.
It is the coolest piece of clothing Mark has. Or should I have said hottest?

The stars even glow in the dark on this handmade treasure. Pricey for any recovering Zmolek, my sister splurged on this gift for my last child. She was so excited that she told me about it before she came.

She came to hold my very last ever infant. He was weeks old. He could be wrapped twice in it. The hood dwarfed his soft head.

Today he wore it, even posed with it like countless other times. I had feared it lost in recent months. The saturn peaked out at me from under used shirts.

The planets, the spaceships, the flying saucer with an alien in the window. All were back on his back, fitting just right. Too right. One more growth spurt and I'll notice its small. By spring, when I continue to stuff his chubby arms in the sleeves, I'll know I've got to let go.

Which leads me to my sister. Things went wrong, and she was too small during this overwhelming illness, I had to out our relationship aside for a while. But I wonder if it is the right fit now. I don't know if I have it in me to.......
See what I mean? I don't even have a word to finish the sentence.

If not now, when? At some point I need to let this go. Would this time be better if I had her around me?

I have no answer, just silence in my head.

Since words escape, I rely on my eyes instead. And I see a happy happy boy wearing a imaginative sweater, given only with love.

Did you ever feel sorrow when you outgrew something?

p.s. Thanks to big brother who helped our model stand still!

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The back of space

2009-11-29T16:07:00.000-08:00

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Where I was

2009-11-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

My retreat was more than an overnight hotel stay. I got to be part of a reality movie.

My night away was also a spa treatment with electrolysis. They say their wire hair glue and medical tape takes years off. Or was it layers off that take years to grow.

Really, I spent spent 22 hours in room 5 at a sleep disorders clinic.

Tell the truth, did you think judgmentally,

"why does she need a night away when she has a nanny? She gets every day away from it all!"

Just wondering.

I wish I could say I enjoyed my time. But really, it was exhausting to be forced to take 5 naps underthose conditions. Never knowing when they would start or stop.

After forgetting that the camera was always on when I checked on the new born baby on TLC, my butt was filmed for posterior. I mean posterity.

Today burning question..oh wait, the only burning this is my skin under the adhesives...

Did you know where I really was just from the body decorations?

P.S. Amy B, you ruined my announcement from your post. ;-) Funny that a neighbor had a sleep study on the same night. HE got to have video games in his room. But I was just as thrilled with my novel cable tv.

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2009-11-27T18:30:00.000-08:00

Would it be

Would it be considered an affair if I kissed grant while looking at shirtless vampires? On my way to new moon. Finally!

I have the best

2009-11-26T18:56:00.000-08:00

Visiting teachers. Tammy brought this by early in the month. Its made our table festive for every dinner in nov.

I have the best wheat free family. No one even mentioned missing rolls. Alex was glad we didn't have that nasty stuffing!

Emily has many demands for the day, and I thibj we managed to make her happy. Alex was crying for a normal dinner like me all day.

Still smiling at emilys interest in preping the turkey. She even wiggled the neck free herself and never once said gross. I didn't learn that till I was 17. she,s 9 years ahead of me!

Thanks to my other Vt tina for the turkey. We would not have bothered without it, and I would have missed out teaching.
Time to clean up and watch the recorded parade. I do love a parade!!

What do you like or hate about parades?

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The view when I open the door to my room

2009-11-25T14:15:00.000-08:00

Man, it's times like today that it hits me what a beautiful place I live in. I'm not far from home. This is the view right outside the building I'm staying at. I can see things like this when I walk around my neighborhood.

I'm thankful grant wanted to work here since he was 8. I'm thankful I met and married him. I'm thankful he got his dream job and we are living in this beautiful part of the world. In the middle of the kind of stuff calendar pictures are made of.

Since I live here, when I want to get away, my mind dreams of the new mexico desert. Shades of brown, so flat you can are for miles. Mountains jutting up high and snow covered. Mmmmm, mountains.

Long ago I had dinner every night growing up with 14,000 ft mountains filling up the sky. Colorado rockies. Snow on the top all year round.

Here I can often catch sight of tall mount ranier, with its lone high snow covered peak. Other shorter mountains far behind my hilly area have snow seasonally. Different kinds of beauty, but still beauty. Since I live in one, I miss the other.

What king of landscapes to you forget to appreciate there? What to you miss?

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Breakfast without children's eyes

2009-11-25T08:18:00.000-08:00

Fritos, vanilla ice cream, raspberry sherbert...
I'm eating it because I can.

it's just like corn flakes with milk

I'm so happy to not have to sneak or quickly eat it.

Best of all,
The mini bar here is free.

So I'm making my dad proud by taking full advantage of free.

What would you eat for breakfast if you had a mini bar that was free?

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My sweet accommodations

2009-11-25T07:54:00.000-08:00

I'm here! Checked in and ready to go. I really needed a night away from everyone. Being a mom is so overwhelming. Sometimes you just have to take a break to stay healthy. Love the digs, the bathroom has the most cute glass tile. I forgot how much I like the look of it The best feature is these thick drapes that seem to absorb all sound. So cozy! Now is the hard part. Do I enjoy the luxury of cable or do I just lay in bed.

Oh, grant. Hi! Sorry I didn't tell the kids goodbye Hope alex,s scout presentation on shakespeare went well. He did such a good job writing it alone

Dear reader, or Amy,does it bug you when I use some like this on my blog,s post? Wonder why? Or are you so smart you guessed it? Its because I often type from my cell phone. It takes three extra clicks to get an ' and i don't care enough to slow my train of thought. It takes one click to use a , instead. So I do. Or I skip it. Sometime it's easy and I'll use it, only because the smart phone guesses right. Sometime it guesses a word wrong and I get ILM instead of I'm or thibj instead of think. Even smart grant hasn't solved that one!

What bugs does your phone have?
And are you judging my night away yet?

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Stage fright

2009-11-24T07:17:00.000-08:00

It was time for their first performance this weekend at mary asplunds house. What a kind friend and parent she is. Such a beautiful view of the mountains during this beginner heavy recital.

It would be true to say that you could tell which of my kids practiced more

Or which of my children is a natural stage performer.

Emily shone with her baptism dress on. She was the best example of a graceful ending, perfect bow, and and calm exit. Calm enough that I got I photo with my nearly dead battery camera.

New to severe jitters, alex also discovery what it was like to have an overflowing room of quite people looking at him. He was up and down so fast that I have no photo. I did manage to get a tint video of his song. He was the first beginner to go, second person on the double sided program. His need for speed and stage fright led him to places his fingers had never been. If we had been sitting in the front row seats with the children, we could have knelt by him with encouragement.
You couldn't tell he was more practiced than emily. His short time practicing his weekly lesson did not affect his love of hayride. Often two short rendition would be declared DONE! By our hurried pupil. It frustrated me how well he played without his book open.
But his beautiful song was choked by nerves. And no one knew or acknowledged that his finger was still growing back as he started one handed to learn this song. He played it so well so quickly after to code of notes was revealed.

8 weeks of lessons. I'm slightly proud and slightly sad. Perhaps this is it as I am set to leave lessons after I have two babies returned to my schedule.

Ending note should be the end. Cite bags of cookies were decline by eager to please me children. Made me so proud to are their commitment to wheat. They got a bah of cotton candy at home. Grant returned delayed to the car after packing up chairs. Where are my cookies? I'm hungry did no one get me some?
Even the kids were upset at his plan to ditch the diet and eat IN FRONT of we committed to the wheat free diet. I wonder if the kids will remember the wheat or the nerves from their first piano recital.

What was your first recital like and what did you do?

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A better beat

2009-11-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

The kids in 4th grade did a big paper. They went thru all the editing steps. They made outline, drafts, edited personally and a neighbors. Wrote the final again in best handwriting. They even colored a wolf body to go along with the subject.

Everyone wrote about a wolf. Everyone was given the same paper to color.
Everyone wrote their names on the back.

This left is in the dark as we looked for alex's big finished product.

We asked the teacher and she quickly replied.
I remember. alex's wolf was colored more vividly and unique.

She found it with no effort.

He added several layers of lines and color around the muzzle.

I am so proud of my son who danced to a different beat.

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As bad as it could get

2009-11-21T21:41:00.001-08:00

I had a memory to night that left me feeling crushed. Really crushed, like I’m being sat on and can’t breath. Tears streamed down my eyes as I realize how limited I still am for this Christmas. This memory, sparked by today’s reality left me pondering one thing. Was it worse?

Christmas morning, 2 years ago, at my sister’s house in Utah. Wearing huge Jammies to cover my 8 month preggers belly.

It was a really fun Christmas. Most of the time, 7 of my 9 siblings, and their families were packed into J’s house. It was the first (and last) time for years that all 5 sisters were together. My mom is the “girl” in black.

I was already ill from the pregnancy. By this point, I could stand NO fat, there are little protein sources with no fat. I ate every hour to stay nourished, sometime a gallon of Jell-O a week. I even made pig and turkey cut outs of Jell-O to feel a part of the big Christmas eve dinner.

I was already having bad pain, like I was hit between the legs with a huge metal baseball bat. My back ached, and not the normal pregnancy ache. It was painful to get around, and exploded if I didn’t have an afternoon siesta with my legs raised.

Now with all that extra info, let me set the stage for this memory:

Every evening the pain would spike. Family games would help keep my mind off it. Sometimes board games, sometimes the coveted Wii. Everyone was sweet and move next to the couch. My couch for those 2 weeks. I would take up an entire side, usually with 3 supportive pillows. I was so miserable, even with the joy of this holiday. We rarely get together for holidays like this.

Around 10:30, people would head off to bed. Most nights I stayed on the couch, debating. Do I take 1 vicodin or 2?

As I lay on the couch, sometimes joined by my husband playing Wii, I anxiously waiting for the smell. I actually have a smell, and certain tickle in my nose like I had sniffed powdered sugar while baking. When the smell hit, I knew that the pain would be gone enough in 15 minutes. I had to hurry to bed then, to fall asleep before it peaked.

In those minutes that seemed like hours, I had too much time to think. I still can remember it all vividly, as I repeatedly chanted my hopeful mantra,

“I will be so much better

by next Christmas,

this is the worst it will be”

It wasn’t. and… I wasn’t.

Art exhibit

2009-11-20T23:57:00.000-08:00

Today I took my husband to the new exhibit in town. He even took the day off to see it with me.

Seattle is a hot spot for art. Art museums, galleries and exhibits

We are blessed to have it, and hopefully soon we'll get to make ourselves art docents.

This piece was especial nice, and left quite the impressive impression with me.

Until we are the docents, we will just enjoy the view! Today we have this. Beautiful native american metal piece. Made by the tribe AJ, also known as the Alexander Joseph Richins tribe.
AJ is this new name, as of this school year.

Grant took the day off for teacher conferences. Alex is better than great. Emily is doing very bad.

But that is another night. Tonight, I'm thinking of my kids art and my young art days. Do you have any memorable art?

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oxygen

2009-11-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

Set in this world, in this time, right here in seattle.

I don't just love it because it's from the point of view of an anesthesiologist. (written by one too)

I love it because its an inside view of hospital politics, and what malpractice really means to the medical side of a suit.

Now I'm off to give my blood, find shoes and return over due library books. All before conferences.

Hmmm. Maybe I don't need shoes.

Oh, almost forgot! What are you reading now? Or what books did you read, and you haven't forgotten how good they were?

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Worse than shopping for jeans

2009-11-19T11:08:00.000-08:00

Shoe shopping.

Athletic shoe shopping.

For years target and payless shoes have been off limits.

The foot, arch, ankle, calf, knee, hip, and back were not worth the beauty.

Because pretty shoes have been off limits, I love others stunning use of shoes as accessories.

I've been teased a lot for my shoe choices I know it ages me. I know white socks and running shoes make even my Best outfits looks tacky.

Pretty, painless shoes starts at 120$. Sucks.

Recently black women's athletic shoes have come down in price.
My shoes are dead. They are black enough to not detract from my outfit. They have enough color to not look like old lady black shoes. (shudder) but they are dead.

Now I'm torturing myself looking for new ones. Thanks to a sisters phone call, I'm not crying.

I feel ugly and stupid and old having these shoes 6 days a week.

Looking for fresh shoes just makes me feel that much more ugly . I can hear the teasing.

I've left the store defeated. Nothing that was strong enough and black enough.

I'll wait to try again. When I have more confidence.

Stupid stupid shoes.

I'm so glad I tortured myself for a week finding jeans that compliment my new body.

Jeans verses shoes, which one do you hate shopping for?

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The day formerly known as wednesday

2009-11-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

Emily wants to call it ......
The day alex is extra mean
Stupid brother day
I wish he was dead so piano lessons would just be for me day.

Alex wants it to be...
The day Emily gets grounded.
The day my sister kicked a foot indent in my ribs.
Day of being second for lessons, cause I hurt.

I just want it to be tomorrow.

Which continues to make me believe I really can't be a solo mom and keep them in lessons.
If if don't quit just because of practice time fibs, it will be because lesson day drama is too much.

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Friday night date for 5

2009-11-17T01:30:00.000-08:00

Joe I, alex, grant, emily and rachel.

Redmond high school performance of "pippin".

Great company. Not so great play. Not because of the sex and swearing. I know it ticks my MIL off, but it was great!

It was my first time seeing it all. Reeked of the worst of the 70s. And my sleep problems kicked in while I was still enjoying it. I had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't raise them in my half dreaming stuper. I kept wanting to ask the teacher questions Today as I jogged on the underwater treadmill at pt, I also wanted to complain about the peanut butter hands.

I've got to much anger towards the world to succumbe to sleep now. I feel like a teenager myself because of the angst. Just like when I fought against missing a dance, it seems like I'm told my anger is my own fault .

Only this time as I act the part of a teenager, its not my turn to shine on stage while singing a catchy tune.

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No rest for the Sabbath weary

2009-11-15T21:25:00.001-08:00

Thoughts as the Sabbath winds down (photos from May trip to in-laws)

1. Can you rip your soft palate? I felt something there rip as I sang a late woman her part in choir this morning. It was a high soprano part. That I whisper sang. My friend said I sounded so beautiful. I didn’t realize I still had that potential. I’m still hurting, and I have no idea what to do.

2. I should just lie and say, “fine” when people ask how I’m doing. Most don’t want to really know. If they did, knowing would not change anything, so “fine” really is the safest answer. So now that I’m at a point where nothing is changing, “fine” is the best answer. Even for those who want to know more.

3. Eating food is the 1st thing that always makes me happy. It’s so nice to eat anything and not feel sick.

4.At dinner, with homemade gravy, Emily bravely tried some on a sliver of potato. “Yummy! this tastes just like spaghetti sauce!” Does that mean my gravy is good or bad?

5. The family has been wheat free for 2 weeks. It’s been easier than I thought. Grant has been a great baker on the weekends. Wheat-free muffins and cookies, oh my!

6. Grant pulled hot cookies (wheat free)out of the oven. He added them to the table laden with pot roast, potatoes, gravy, and peas. He put them right in front of me. He told the kids they could eat all the cookies they wanted.

7. Mark was sitting in a high chair, right next to me. Cookies! Meat! And a mini gravy bowl! All got dipped in the gravy. Even the gravy. Which he also drank.

8. I miss being skinny. Right now I’d rather be in pain and skinny, than better and fat. The meds, and my #1 happy activity have me up 35 pounds.

9. Emotional heartache is worse that a back ache.

10. Singing is the 2nd thing that makes me happy. I wasn’t able to sing in church, or in my evening Stake choir. My mouth (soft pallet) hurt to much. I really needed to be happy.

11. I’m more emotionally fragile than I realized. I’m more physically fragile than I let myself believe. I could really use a, “be gentle with me” button.

What are your thoughts this Sabbath day?

Photos recently re-remembered from Memorial Weekend trip to California. I really was crazy a month after major surgery, when I insisted our family drive (12 hrs) to my in-laws.

Katelyn discovers that McDonalds serves breakfast
Mark giving my favorite smile to show his approval of McDonald sausages
(aunt) Colleen Colleen, the Beauty Queen helps Emily show off a Great Aunt's evening gown.
Securing his spot as favorite Uncle, Kurt tickles Cousin Brian, Emily and Alex as the same time.
Alex smiles during the "who loves you" game with Grandma Dorothy
Trying to get a bigger piece of inheritance, Mark gives Great Grandma Alice a dinner smile.
Great-Granddad Smith hollers at the TV, teaching me the real way to enjoy Mexican Female Wrestling
Cooling off in the California sun, Grant shows that he really could be fatter. Really, that was the whole point of it.
Alex admires a sword, as Granddad tells a story
With her Great Grandparents, Kate shows she's rather be playing
Much to the amusement of Great Grandma Alice, a wonderful laugh is displayed while Grant tickles Mark. Or Grant shows of new teeth?

Step one- open...

2009-11-13T18:25:00.000-08:00

...you eyes.
Grant turned off the alarm clock
My still joints ache.
How can I do the next step,

Pushing myself in an upright and awake position?

Staying in bed instead.

Drat.
Forgot I have a bladder.
Here I go again. 1, 2, 3, up!

Up!

Up!

Made it, Phew! Now on to the next hurdle, waking the kids.

Step one, turn on their lights.
Step two, start singing.
Step three, pat them awake.

Very different than grants.

How do you wake up your school kids?

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what if?

2009-11-12T16:33:00.000-08:00

what if you knew you had an invisible illness?

what if no one believe the doctors you saw, the tests you had, the medical choices you made, the pain you had?

what if they thought you were faking it, and faking it to get attention and drugs?

Grant says "You're paranoid, you shouldn't assume other people's thoughts."
Close friends say, "why would it matter? don't let other people tell you how your life is"
Doctors say, "Why do you care? You really are going to let uneducated people make your medical choices?"But what if you found out you were right?

What if you found out that people really had been talking those bad things? What if you found out that of all the kind things people had said to you, that some of those same people were talking about your fake attempt for attention and drugs?

Could you leave your house, knowing that most people you talked to thought you were faking it? Would you continue to be vulnerable, going to church and talking to neighbors?

What if it wasn't what if anymore?

How can I even open my door, or my mouth anymore?

Emily wishes

2009-11-11T08:26:00.000-08:00

photo..emily in the middle, right after the assembly.

Today is the day. A celebration I'm just now understanding enough to do anything about it.

A celebration marked by a school assembly. By the way, I don't ever remember an assembly for anything meaningful like respecting those who give career and life to their government. Especially in a country where so many refuse to give part of their money (or even their time to vote) toward the same place. it's especially ironic that my ghetto high school would fail so about celebrating veterans when half of the non pregnant graduates signed up for the army. Few served in other places.

Weeks ago emily came home ...
Jumping and dancing. More than normal. She got one of a few parts in the whole school assembly. She didn't know what to write, because she didn't have anyone in her family that served in a war.

No one? That stopped me, which is getting harder to do. All 4 of her grandpas served in WWII. One of them was highly decorated and even served his whole career in military service. Emily herself colored on letters that I sent to my cousin Dan in Iraq. Half the time the military post offices didn't know where he was. Their system for mail is poor, in my opinion. I had a sheet of printed mailing labels. All the same. Some letter went thru. Many came back. Rarely did two slowly returned letters have the same error message. I especially hate the one that said he was no longer serving. Tell that to my worried Aunt!

So they don't get the perks of the job right. The system has flaws, more or less depending on who you ask or how they feel about our military general. This war is good to are that even with such a division, everyone agrees that those who serve or who have served are heroes. Now excuse me, I've got to pull out the photo albums so my kids know their grandpas are all heroes too.

Oh, emily opened the event with her remarks. Many remarked how she was the best performer, she was a star, they loved how she marched. My opera sister should be proud to know that I see her in emily. But, she doesn't read this, so I wouldn't know. Emily can sing every military branches song, including the coast guards.

Did you know their song has something like this is the song for the coast guard in its first line? Made me giggle. So proud of emily and so glad I could go and see her.

Now I'm off to tell the kids about their grandpas. While we clean up the mess in the kitchen from morning parental sleeping.

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Breakfast of champion vegans

2009-11-09T21:05:00.000-08:00

Emily and kate, saturday morning. Yes, this is morning, not dinner.

Some kids get to watch cartoons on saturday morning. Some kids get sugar cereals on saturday morning. Like most mornings, saturday is just another day to pick what you want for breakfast. Emily and kate chose a big bowl of peas, from last nights dinner.

For breakfast.

I can't even say this is the first time . From her nasty kidney meds
That left her hating sweets, she always prefered veggies. We hid her nightly powder meds in all kinds of holed out candy, spoons of ice cream, and cut cookies. Many times when ice cream was offer for dinner she pointed and fussed until we gave her a bowl of broccoli instead. I'm not joking.

Related is a. "I never thought I'd say that as a parent!" moment. I've also said at many meals, "no more veggies until you eat some rice or meat." it made me laugh every time!

So it was normal for the girls to be chomping on a bowl of peas like they were Lucky Charms. I did insist that they also eat some protein. They picked nuts, and sprinkled them like sugar top.

They ate it all, I think. Actually, I was at a church event. But they were nearly there when I left.

Oh, thank you god for giving me some silly traits along with the tough ones!

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green breakfast, who needs food coloring?

2009-11-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

by his own request, chosen from his sisters chosen breakfast.

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This time, a smile!

2009-11-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

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Mark's losing it

2009-11-07T00:54:00.000-08:00

Its happening to fast.

A demand to be moved.

He has no right to demand. Unless it's a bottle. Or more fries

Or a cup, 20 minutes into dinner. This one demand makes me feel bad. Nearly every night we forget. Until he screams holy terror. On the bright side, its one of the few times he says, "No!" Seriously. We point to every item of food on the table as we hear no no no. Then every night, desperate, grant starts pointing at silverware. In his defense, mark often is demanding a fork or spoon. Hmmm. I now realize that was just the first step in this slippery slope. So grant will point to a fork. Them to food on his plate, the best food in the kitchen. Then to the cup. "Moe, peas!" (more please. Aww!) was his reply tonight. Again.

It's a good thing we don't have teenagers, or they would smirk at the stupidity of their parents failed pattern skills. Even Kate can tell a repeating pattern, duh!

So you can see that Mark doesn't have many unreasonable demands.

Tonight was NOT a reasonable demand.

If you know our pattern, you would know that Friday night is movie night. That's what we tell the kids, to get them excited about sorting their own week's dirty laundry. You need to know this because I want you to applauded my ingenuity. Because you don't need to know why we watched a movie and how that lead to popcorn.

Popcorn is popped. Kitchen and laundry room happen to be clean, leading Mark to eat yet another culinary delight in his high chair. Tonight he didn't go. Rare, but okay. He ran from me as I grabbed his small body. Very rare, but he is a kid. Then he climbed on the bench. The bench that gets the bad end of dinner quarrels. And he sits. He won't be moved. He demands that I let him sit on the bench to eat. Just like the other kids. Just like they eat with forks. And talk. And talk back. And potty train. And potty mouth train.

And that is how Mark has edged even closer to that slippery slope leaving babyland. Be still my heart! It aches as I see yet another step our baby has taken out of babyland. For this time it's not just a hypothetical last one. It is really and truly our last one. So that slippery slope seems more steep thank before.

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Fashionista at 8

2009-11-05T08:28:00.000-08:00

Emily stands in the family room. Waiting for alex to out on her shoes, she catches her reflection in the sliding glass doors. She strikes a runway model pose and speaks in a deadpan runway announcer voice. Emily's own words, I swear, "'All ready for school. Dressed in the nice classic of white, black, red, and brown. [pause as she looks over herself again] And gold and purple. And yellow. Classic." looks at me and strikes abother runway pose

Classic.
When I think of dressing classic, I always look for a combo of black, white, red and brown.

So I had her move to the kitchen and strike another pose. Or 5.

Made me smile after a rough morning of Alex fighting every word and command. We stayed cool. I feel verbally beat up. He kept switching topics and people or objects that were ruining his life.
So witnessing emily washed me with a love of parenting.

Oh, read it again. This time, know that we have never watched project runway or top model. I can only guess its from off commercials.

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A hands width

2009-11-04T15:10:00.000-08:00

This is my little man, just taken. I was resting on my bed. Weary from my errands, I had to rest my pain away. Pondering what Kates therapist said...this TIME has damaged more than me. I think I will always call it this TIME.

Every little body in this house was left hurt. Kate was at a major developmental stage, and it has left her with neurological issues. She and mark missed out much on the important closeness needed to help them self calm. Yes, we had help. But seeing kate now just shows it wasn't enough.

So I'm pondering how this could happen, how the physical hell I suffered would leave my children permanently altered. With work, it would become more acceptable.

Work

I'm overwhelmed with my own mountain of work to become my new normal. Now I get to add to it my children's work. And we let the nanny go in january.

I made these thoughts stop by opening my laptop. Others problems make no room for mine.

Then mark climbs up on my bed. He is calmer than normal. I enjoyed rubbing his back as I got lost in blogs.

Then the words of Kates teacher echo..the missed touch and attention

I slammed the laptop shut (sorry grant!) and looked at my little guy. I rubbed his back with purpose.

It was then that I realized than his back's width was less than my hands width. Looking at my hands, the smallest part of me. And his back was smaller. His perfect little body, so tiny.

All these thoughts let to this photo. Which led to this post because I didn't want to forget that his back was less than my hand when I started to get better.

This photo is from my bed, with the bed light shunning right up his face. Love what it managed to capture.

Now that little man is throwing dvds off My bed so no time to spell check!!!

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A decade of motherhood

2009-11-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

Ten years I first looked into his eyes. After I looked at his misshapen head, that is.

He happily opened his gifts The last one got the above reaction. A classic model car, a porche. With a knife to cut the parts. And paint to made it his own.

Happy happy day.

Since the start of his kindergarten, I haven't been able to personally bring birthday treats to his classroom.

Today changed that changed.

A happy birthday, indeed.

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So you wanted to know more

2009-10-30T23:03:00.000-07:00

I appreciate people still asking how I’m doing.

I’m getting better. I’m not better, just getting there.

How’s it going?

It’s going. Momentum is all I can ask for on the bad days.

How do you do it?

I don’t. I’m all broken, except for my smiling muscles. But I do know WHO I try to do it for….

You might have notice some new posts in which I lay out the past two years. I don’t think any of them really do well enough to describe the pain. But it seems silly to write: had surgery, AND WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT I CRIED ABOUT DYING, found out I had something wrong BECAUSE I WAS IN SO MUCH CONSTANT PAIN THAT I WANTED TO INJURE PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T HELP

So I’ll leave the pain up to your imaginations. It’s probably worse than you can think of anyway. On to some blog housekeeping….

I’ve had some friends and new acquaintances' visit my blog. One woman said she could tell I hurt a lot, but what was it all from? Why did I have to have all the surgeries? So I’ve tried to make my story more tidy to answer those questions….

So check out my new side bar under

FAQ>>>>>>>>>>FAQ>>>>>>>>>>>>>FAQ

What's wrong with you? Short Story (Oct 2009)

What's wrong with you? Long Story (Oct 2009)

Questions: Meds and Medical (Part 1)

Questions: Strength and Family (Part 2)

Question: Crying in Church (Part 3)

Maybe if you ask a question, I’ll use in in my next FAQ post.

So what have I not talked about that you wanted to know?

Morning music

2009-10-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

Katelyn dancing to "like a prayer" by Madonna.

It made my morning when she started to dance on the floor

We wake the kids up with music. Grant took matters into his own hands for the first time today.

80's

Ugh! It ruined my morning after Madonna was over.

Next time I'm waking up before him.

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How to stop crying through church: a seed of a new thought

2009-10-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, I was ready to give the church the boot. I get this way after each baby. Apparently, any great trauma is enough to trigger it.

I did nothing but cry in church. Sometimes it was tears. Sometimes it was inside. It became so unbearable, that I would use meditation to pretend I was somewhere else. When that didn’t work, I would bargain with myself.

“If you keep your mouth shut and don’t say anything to ruin the lesson, I’ll give you an ice cream after church,” I would say to myself. “Just stay in your chair, and don’t look rude, and I’ll give you an ice cream come right when you get home!” I would beg my legs, when they wanted to run.

It finally a change in how I viewed church talks and lessons to grant me renewed faith. At Stake Conference (with the rest of Washington and Alaska) I was listening to a fun story about a boy chasing a known poisonous lizard (he wanted anyway) into an old mine. I really enjoyed listening to this story. I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the next bit of plot. I actually forgot about the burning in my legs, and the spasms in my back. This kind of talk was actually fun!

It made me wonder why other talks made me upset, angry, broken, overwhelmed with "good lists". I thought about it. Most talks I take too personally. Like it's a doctor, telling me my MRI results and how to fix it. Or like it's a college lecture, information I must learn for a later test. So I realized that the church speakers are not talking to me alone, and telling me all that I need to do better. Instead I think of that fun talk about the lizard. It was like a story a fun uncle would tell. So now I listen to each talk like I’m sitting on a porch swing with an old friend.

The speaker/or talk/or lesson is just telling me their story, and their story within a given topic. It's just their story of what helped and hurt them to get to where they are today. Each speaker/teacher in on their own life path. When they give a talk or lesson, they are just telling where they've been on their path of life. Or telling how they see the gospel THRU THE VIEW from their own life path. And I just listen to their story, relaxing, enjoy it, but just listen. If I think that something they have experienced could help me on MY OWN path, I might see how I could implement it into steps ON MY OWN path.

I hope I explained that well enough that you can understand that, down to your heart, on your own life path. I would have saved myself a lot of post church/ post conference pain if I realized this truth. Because if I think of everyone being on the same path, at the same time, I would drive myself crazy. I do think there is a single, true gospel. I just think there are many paths with many views that go around and thru the true gospel.

My shrink leaned back in his chair and twinkled as I told him my realization. He was impressed that I "got it" so young. Off the subject, I must say that my shrink happens to be rare man. He's a psychologist (can write RX) he does Talk Therapy (even more rare for a drug pusher). And he's LDS, been a bishop even. There is NO ONE like him in the Northwest. Every 6 months he tells reminds me of a fact. Utah shrinks says that the number of Prozac and similar RX given to patients (mostly women), rise off the charts every month after conference.

I will no longer going to be part of those new Prozac RX. I will stop crying in church because I feel berated and beaten up after 3 hours of church. Or on my bad days, crying after just sacrament meeting, or even one talk. I left Relief Society on many occasions filled with anger towards the lesson and the church. I felt like the church was demanding to much. Now I realize I was demanding too much of myself after a lesson. It may take re-reading this every week for a while to remember that church is just story time.

Line upon line, precept upon precept. It’s the scripture that the design of the Denver Temple is based on. It’s a testimony I have, but haven’t really used.

I thought this was so important; I wanted to say it again. You are on your own path of life. I'm on mine. We share the experiences of being Mormon, being parents, being a wife. But we're on our own path. And when we read the Ensign, or listen to a church talk, or for that matter, any media where truth is being spoken....it's being spoken from the point of view of that person's path of life.

Remember, I learned that for me, I can't listen to a talk like it's a college lecture. They are not talking to me alone, and telling me all that I need to do better. Instead I think of each talk like I’m sitting on a porch swing with an old friend. The speaker is just telling me their story, and their story within a given topic. Even as they quote scripture and Conference Talks. They are just quoting them as they fit into their life view.

It's just their story of what helped and hurt them to get to where they are today. They are just telling where they've been on their path of life. And I just listen to this story, and enjoy it, but just listen. If I think that something they have experienced could help me on MY OWN path, I might see how I could implement it into steps ON MY OWN path.

I hope that this gives you something to think about. If it doesn’t ring true to you, I hope you find your own words that give you peace. Like “Don’t Take it Personally!”

*****

This is actually part 3 from a long letter to Nikkola. She asked about my great faith. I had to tell her how it’s not been strong, or even noteworthy. But I did make me realize a few things.

Want to read the rest of the letter? Click part 1 and part 2

In the church news

2009-10-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

A choir event I was in made it into the church news.

I was part of a stake choir that joined with 6 other church choirs at the local catholic church. It was an incredible event, one I hope to see every year.

Since the event happened on Conference Sunday, we were able to accept the invitation. The only thing sweeter than the spirit was the homemade baklava at the following cookie reception.

So great!

You can’t see me in the group photo. I’m behind the choir director.

http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/58055/Unity-of-faith-Six-churches-combine-for-choir-and-program.html

It was such a great even that I’m joining the Stake Christmas Choir. It will be painful after 1 hour choir, 3 hours of church before the 1 1/2 hour choir rehearsal every Sunday. But I always feel happy singing in the choir. A happy event, especially on Sunday, is so rare for me. I’m willing to put myself in physical pain to get it.

Oh, and you know how I mention pain so much? You’re probably sick of hearing me say it. I say it because I’m always feeling pain. I’ve been told, “Oh, I forget you’re in pain.” Gee, thanks. Note to kind friends, don’t tell someone you forgot you were in pain if you don’t want to be thought of as rude.

Oh, there I go again, I my normal, worse than usual, Sunday grumps.

But do read the article. You might surprise yourself by enjoying it.

The Celebrities: Hollywood Halloween Party 2009

2009-10-26T14:02:00.001-07:00

These are given in no particular order. I added blogs to those I know. You’re welcome to ask for updates!

We start on the red carpet leading to Powell Studios:

Daddy Warbucks and Little orphan Annie (Grant and Rachel Richins)

Next is Our Dear Chef to the Stars, his lobster, and ?His Servant or Server girl? Michael and Cindy Goulding

Followed by the Woman known for her Sleek up do’s, our vintage movie star. Stephanie Gardner

Even those Big Leaguers get to hob knob with the stars. (Matt and Joanna Larson)

Oh yeah, the classic “bald off” (Grant Richins and ….

Pedophile Daddy warbucks and little orphan Annie

Updates and names and links (if I have them) are to follow soon. I’ve got an hour of PT, then I can finish this. But I’ve heard too much desire to just GET IT OUT!

Hollywood Style Halloween Party 2009

2009-10-26T13:28:00.001-07:00

First of all, much thanks to the Powells and Calls who put on such a wonderful event. They have been planning this since August. From the invitations, to the movie theater set up, and the concession stand dinner….it was an Emmy quality event. I hope that more people will consider “tipping” our stellar hosts.

Now on to the party….the decorations! I’ll start with the back yard, a tour of Hollywood Stages. (Click on any photo to enlarge)

Our Hollywood Set tour starts with my favorite, Twilight!

“The city of Sporks welcomes you; Population 3208. Vampire population 7 (which means this is before book 4)”

“Dusk” while the hand hold a bowl of ?soup?

Our Next set is from the horror film, “Attack of the Killer Green Jello.” I must assume that this was filmed in Utah, where the original Green Jello attacks took place.

Here is a better look at the poor city dwellers, escaping from the monster….or leaving a session of General Conference.

Our stage tour continues on to “Creature from the Laundry Room”

I was granted a back stage pass, since being recently victorious of my own creature

Next is sure to be a crowd pleaser" “Pirates of the Titanic”

Our tour concludes with the local favorite “Star Shrek”

This concludes today’s tours of the best Hollywood Stages. Stay tuned for all the celebrities that came to the event, the movie premiers, and the movie trivia!

HUGE THANKS TO LISA AND NAOMI and other nameless people who brought these to life!

See a preview: A good day for us in Jan

2009-10-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

Counter with last month’s family outing stuff,

last hospital say stuff. Birthday presents.

Clean dishes (cookie sheets) filling the dish dry thing (what is that called?)

Both sinks filled with dirty dishes. Some hand wash. Most dishwasher. The dishwasher is full of clean dishes. For an hour Emily (above) had been crying that this job is too hard.

So the dirty dishes and clean dishes grow dust.

Sad thing is, this is only 36 hours worth of dishes.

A Saturday morning, after the nanny left us in good shape Friday.

Oh dear, this is what my kitchen will look like on a good day next year.

In 66 days, we are letting the nanny go.

I’m not ready to physically be a homemaker. All the work and movement! But I’m mentally ready to be in charge. No more daily calendar meetings.

How have you dealt with coming back (from mom’s visit or a solo trip) to motherhood?

What testimony has stopped me from leaving my church

2009-10-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

I have a testimony. It is broken in many parts. But two things I could never deny.

I believe in the power of the priesthood blessings. I had many blessings to help me before, during, and after my surgeries. I record them and listen to them over and over. I remember feeling so much peace then. I trusted them in even my darkest days. I still trust them today.

I also believe in the temple. I knew that if I went inactive, I would not be able to have a temple recommend if I left the church. I feel so much peace in the temple. I know the temple ordinances are true. Even during these hard, hard times, I’ve never been able to ignore this testimony. Losing my temple membership would crush me.

So you may not be able to write an ensign article with your faith. But what do you have a testimony of?

Mountains ahead

2009-10-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

I could go on and on about how this is a metaphor for my recovery.

But really, I wanted this picture to show my kids that I love them. I love them enough to save them from folding and puting these away. They would rather clean toilets.

Every towel and kitchen towel we own is waiting in this piles. Lots of table cloths, sheets, and blankets also thrown in. It was a messy week at our house two weeks ago. I have little memories as to why, just this pile left to prove it. Like a pile of ashes proves there once was a fire.

And here, a week after wash day, they still stand. I'm getting quite good at looking the other way.

But today my heart is glad I waited. I'm glad I have something to keep my hands busy as Amy B goes to the church. I'm so worried as she attends the private funeral she planned. For the baby that should still be kicking, but instead has left palpable grief.

There is little I can do to change their world.

So I fold laundry. A task I would have given away. A task that is to be celebrated, for I'm strong enough to contemplate it. And hopefully I'll prove that I was strong enough to finish it.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

What’s wrong with me, The short story (Sept 2009)

2009-10-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

Hello friend and thanks for reading this.

I realize I need to update my sidebar:what is wrong with you. Not only have things changed, but I’ve had new friends read this and still be confused on “what I have”.

So here is how I describe to people what I have.

The short story:

Got pregnant with #4. At 2 months pregnant, I was in as much pain as I usually felt at 9 months pregnant. (pain) I laid down everywhere, even the church pews. I developed thrombosed hemorrhoids at 7 months, and had surgery to remove them (lots of pain.)

I didn’t gain any weight, because my gallbladder was broken. (more pain) When Mark was 6 weeks old, I had it taken out. I also had bleeding, and found out I had a rectal fissure that was now chronic. So I had surgery to fix it (baby was ~3 months old). That gave me pain that made me cry to think about sitting.

I blew out a back disk during pushing, and had surgery when the baby was 8 months old. It left me with permanent nerve damage: pain in my back and leg.

All this time, I still had pain like I was about to deliver a baby. Like i got hit between the legs with a baseball bat. If I laid down, it was minimal pain. Within 5 minutes of standing, it was back. Found out I had a prolapsed rectum, rectocele, prolapsed bladder( cystocele), prolapsed uterus. Fix April and June of 2009.

I’ve had migraines all along, that have gotten worse and more frequent.

Pain better, but still there. Now using a Pain Management team to use Physical therapy and medications to control my pain.

Even though I had my tubes tied, I have to take birth control to prevent periods. It’s either that, or have excruciating pain, or a hysterectomy. Phew, that really is the short story!

Of course, now I’m having more problems with my known narcolepsy :sleep paralysis, hypnagogic hallucinations, and EDS. I’ve been so sleepy, I’ve slept in my car between appointments. When you get sleep paralysis there, it’s very very scary! Oh, and my newest addition: burning pain in my hip and thigh. Fun time’s at our house, fun times!

That’s it.

For now.

Oct Update: Why do I even bother updating! Just since I’ve written then, I’ve met with a sleep study person. Turns out that snoring (poor grant, for sleeping with a Zmolek bear) can be a sign of sleep apnea. Sleep apnea can lead to narcolepsy. It’s great fun being me. Just wait till I get older and I break down fast then I can fix me.

Still want the long story? Here.

alex's last den meeting as a Bear scout

2009-10-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

Making a birdhouse in my soul.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

The saga continues...

2009-10-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in the world around me. I feel crushed about Amy. Another friends story has left me furious. And somewhere in between is my own life.

I've written to a few newer friends what has happened in the last two years.

Soon I'll be postings these. I'm sure they will just appear on my sideboard under FAQ. Some might even qualify for their own top page posting!

So watch out for:

What’s wrong with me, The short story (Sept 2009)

The long story: Where I am, and how I got here. (Sept 09)

What testimony has stopped me from leaving my church

Why I am NOT strong or an example of faith (Oct 09)

How to stop crying at church: a new testimony

Just the medical stuff (Oct 09 update)

Here, but more rain. And less girls

2009-10-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

Going to be here this morning. Crazy, but I'm going to leave my children with an nearly absolute stranger. I met Diane Campbell in a session last month. One thing led to another, and a box of tissue was used, and 12 kids moved out of the house, and now she's watching the kids so we can go to the temple.

Wish it solved all problems like I used to think it did. But it can't undo. So much this week needs to be undone.

And if we all wind up missing, Diane did it.

Urgent Prayer

2009-10-14T18:24:00.001-07:00

Please Pray for Amy and baby boy Barry

http://amylovesdamon.blogspot.com/

She’s got the misfortune of having me as her only visiting teacher. She has wonderful friends who leave me crumbs to do. She’s also my neighbor and my friend.

Oh, Please please pray for her.

Sound Track of my Youth

2009-10-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

Can you guess my age?

Songs of my youth (click to watch the video on youtube)

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

Ironic by Alanis Morissette

Stay by Lisa Loeb

Lovefool by The Cardigans

If it makes you Happy by Sherly Crow

Linger by The Cranberries

Don't Speak by No Doubt

Wait, wait, there were some boy bands I listened to...

Shiny Happy People by REM

Satellite by Dave Matthews Band , especially the long version

You and Me Song by The Wannadies

Peaches by the Presidents of the United States (saw the video for the first time last week)

Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something

Undone, The Sweater Song by Weezer (this one is way more sad than I remember)

Man, I feel like Woman Shania Twain (way more cheezy than I remember)

Hey Jealousy by Gin Blossems

All the small things by Blink 182

Love Shack by B52's (still makes me wanna dance, and get thrown in the air, swing dance style!)

It's the end of the world as we know it by REM

Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer

You were meant for me by Jewel (man she looks young! She didn't at the time. I'm old!)

Save Tonight by Eagle-Eye Cherry

Zombie by The Cranberries (or anything Cranberries!)

I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred

500 miles,( I'm gonna be) by the Proclaimers

Wannabe by The Spice Girls (gotta add if I'm being true to myself. Great Song the first 20 times)

Mr Jones by Counting Crows (think of my friends, The May girls, when I hear this)

And of course everyone cranked this up in a dark room after a break up

Everybody Hurts by REM

One Headlight by The Wallflowers

Haha, if I go back to my middle school years, I would add Again by Janet Jackson

Oh dear, this would be a lovely fill for my phone/MP3 player. YouTube is WAY more user friendly as i tried to search out the soundtrack of my youth.

So is this your soundtrack? Tell me what favorites I miss!

So close: Katelyn Missing Pieces

2009-10-11T20:19:00.001-07:00

I wanted to write about Katelyn’s choice to finally be potty trained. But she’s wet on the carpet twice today. Something is just missing with her.

I wanted to write about how much better Katelyn is behaving. But she’s had hour+ crying jags. Today she spent 45 minutes crying in the Lobby because she wanted Mommy to take her to the back bathrooms. Then in the chapel next to Mommy, crying because Daddy left to the Nursery (he’s thrilled with his current calling.) Then she cried as I carried her to the bathroom, because she wanted Daddy to take her. Then she spent 15 minutes laying in the bathroom doorway, for some unintelligible reason. People had to climb over her, because I just couldn’t lift her. Again. Crying because I walked out without her.

What is missing? The crying story continues….

Crying in the hall because we left the bathroom. Crying because I made her wash her hands. Crying because she didn’t want to pick up her paper towel and reason. Crying because she didn’t want to walk thru the door, into Nursery. Crying because I left her there, while I went back into the chapel to pick up toys that the babies had spread over 2 benches. Crying because I came back to her. Then walking past the door into nursery, happily running to pick up a dolly.

What is missing? Sometimes even a bottle won’t calm her. My back was crying, and I want to cry myself.

She’s 3 1/2. We have her in Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy. We should hear back from the State/School District Headstart preschool any day.

What is missing? Her smile. Where do I find it?

Photos: I came across some old puzzles of Katelyn’s. I bribed her with them. It worked, she cleared her dinner plate. After we sorted the pieces to the right boards, she put them together. With a little help, of course. Or should I say with little help. Once used up our supply of piece, we found that each puzzle was missing 1-3 pieces. Every puzzle. I felt like my life was being displayed in these puzzles. So much is missing. I’m in more pain than I’ve had in a month. I can’t get past feeling like I need to have people and parts of my last year say, “I’m sorry.” I realized last night that the words I were using made me a victim. I know enough to know that it’s wrong to play the victim. Now how do I get that knowledge to erase the feelings.

What are some of the pieces missing in your children’s lives? Or your life?

Aw, snap! I jinxed myself!

2009-10-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

Guess the floor! Oh, guess the floor. :-(

A day after I found the previous photo, accidentally unsent from before summer vacation, it happened again.

A simple med change, done after the acute part of healing, stopped the need for "guess the floor."

This time I'm just not sure what set if off. Here I am, stuck between one doctor (next to the botanical gardens,) and my pt (in downtown Redmond.) That's your first hint.

Second floor hint is that I already stopped at the required fast food joint. I was at Wendys half an hour ago. Remember Wendys bathrooms? Or should I say, bathroom? Just one lonely woman , or man, pit stop. I convinced myself I could make it home for the final gut attack. I'm sure that several door handle jiggles and a door knock convinced me to do such and unwise move.

So, step right up and guess your guesses. Where is this lovely floor? While you do that, I'm going to be hauling it to PT.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Guess the floor: song edition

2009-10-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

From the long lost archives of june 2009. Its inspiring to see how far I have come.

Guess wher this floor is!
I really hope this episode doesn't last long. In a few minutes my kids will be singing for a tea party. And because of circumstances, I'll be fortunate to see alex and emily together.

Sweet sibling singing!

Please gut, get it together!

October update: I made it to the performance, standing by the door the whole time. But
Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Dear Rachel, How are the kids?

2009-10-06T11:14:00.001-07:00

Dear Rachel,

Hey girl. How are you doing? Sounds like you have had some fun things lately with church, choir and games sound fun. Would love the latest update on all the kids, what's up in their lives, are they liking school, Katie and Mark's recent accomplishments... and all that fun, crazy family stuff. Talk to you soon.

Love Leah

3 hours ago · Comment · Like

******************************

Dear Leah,

I'm alive. I'm doing better each month, but it's hard to see it each day.

Mark is talking more, repeating words. He says Mama (huge for him). He's got polka dots on his face and a horrible bleeding rash on his bum. Done everything, now Doc says it's allergies. He's been wheat free 1 month, oat free 2 weeks, and now dairy free for 5 days. His face looks great! Except when he eats nasty meats like Jerky or Bologna.

Katelyn is finally potty training, mostly on her own. If we suggest it, or ask it, she's likely to fall right on the floor screaming. Screamed 3 hours last night. And 1 hour this morning after she saw Alex's last cupcake packed in his lunch. The kids give her whatever she wants so she doesn't scream. Mark too for that matter. Katelyn will be drinking from a bottle forever….as soon as she gets home from Kindergarten even! Mark will do it as long as Katelyn does it.

Emily still pouts like a baby, but is growing in to a lovely girl. She's bigger than Alex by a few inches and several pounds. She's and Alex started piano lessons last month. They are both doing well. She's having a harder time of it. More than I expected, knowing her past of weak muscle tone. Holding her wrist up, playing with her quiet fingers in the air. She's working on it. Emily's our chef, trying to cook at any time. Nanny Julie and Grant tolerate it well.

Alex is a natural, already doing two handed stuff. His finger is better. Still looks odd. But no bandage. He even plays piano with it, but plays with that finger flat, since it's still sensitive. Alex has really stepped up his school work. He keeps his binder organized. He's doing all his homework ALONE!

We still have Nanny Julie. she really is part of our family, part of parenting decision conversations. So far the plan is to keep her full time until the end of the year. If she doesn't have new work, we'll do part time. Otherwise I’ll be on my own then.

I'm doing more with the family. I'm out on the couch in the mornings and afternoons. Just laying there next to the after school chaos took time until I could tolerate it. I'm doing piano practicing. I'm driving kids to clubs. Kudos to Julie for being able to work with me right there next to here.

Grant has continued to be a huge support to me, even by phone or text. He's been having regular guy chat time (what do they call it?) every Monday. We've had Joe, a single Microsoft guy, join us for FHE. Then kids go off to bed, and conversation continues. Grant might think I'm going out on a limb, but I think he actually has a...a friend!

So that's how we're doing, in six "wall to wall" face book blocks. Now it's your turn! How are you?

Love,

Rachel

4 minutes ago · Comment · Like

H.C. Monday

2009-10-05T07:34:00.001-07:00

Morning. Monday Morning. Not ready.

Hmmm, starting to open eyes….

Warming up…..

Smelling happiness….

All to turn this feeling….

Grrr….

Into this feeling.

Which is why we started Hot Chocolate Mondays.

Mmmm. Today I crave the sugar to wake up. But most mornings I brew hot Chamomile tea to warm the joints.

How do you get the kids out of bed, or yourself up and going on Monday mornings?

Five minutes…go!

2009-09-30T21:07:00.001-07:00

Can’t blog because we took the kids to the temple grounds on Sunday instead.

Can’t blog because I’m enthralled with watching their imaginations.

Can’t blog because I want to do all I can for Phyllis. Which happens to be networking and making a document to help those who CAN help her. I’m so sad that the lung cancer is so aggressive and the chemo so overwhelming. (and can’t blog cause I worried I did the wrong thing for a moment!)

Can’t blog because I was busy getting the Halloween boxes out (with Julie lifting, of course Mom!) Can’t blog because I must get decorations out and costumes picked before I write about how much I hate the boxes in my living room. And I must write about how little I hate the boxes in my living room. God really has squashed the will to have thing complete right out of me.

And 2 weeks later, we had 15 minutes to open the boxes and pick Halloween costumes. Vickie, I know you read this. THANK YOU for the dress up clothes/costumes. Emily jumped and screamed when she saw the Barbie dress. Then she jumped and twirled when it fit. The boxes, of course, are still there.

Can’t blog because I’m drinking up every bit of baby left in this boy. Including laughing when he got his shorts around his head.

Can’t blog because this same baby has had a bleeding rash for 2 weeks. Meds, creams, air aren’t helping. Now we’ve given up baby wipes. So I couldn’t blog while my hands had to cut up soft rags. And soon I can’t blog because I’m going to have to wash all this new laundry. Including towels that he sits bare bottom on 4-5 times a day. When ~~I finish washing~~ Grant finishes that, I still can’t blog because we’re on month 2 of trying to figure out why he has polka dots on his face. Even Grant didn’t look this bad as a teenager. No wheat, no oats, no tomatoes….still not sure! No dairy starts tomorrow. No fun. No blogging.

Can’t blog because I’m doing more for the family during the day. And I started PT, Physical Therapy. So by 9:30 pm, I’m asleep here, instead of blogging from here. And twice last week Grant couldn’t wake me up, so I slept all night on the couch. I woke up, unaware that Grant had a hard time sleeping without me.

And now I’ve taken 30 minutes instead of 5. Now I can’t blog anymore, because my readers don’t care that I’m not blogging more about these wicked events. But my husband does care that we’ve not really had a conversation in several days.

Why can’t you blog?

Piano Lessons: Trauma remembered

2009-09-20T00:40:00.001-07:00

Last post was about my children starting piano lessons. I was very clear with their wonderful teacher (on the phone) that Emily would go first, Alex second. With Emily’s mood, that great “I get to be first!” energy would be the best.

So far I haven’t regretted the day I made it permanent.

“Emily! (and Alex)I’m so excited about a phone call I got today. We got to the top of the piano lesson waiting list! Emily got into the 4:30 slot, and Alex got into the 5:00 slot! I’m so excited for you guys!”

So far, I have only watched Emily bounce off the seat, and I’m glad I gave her the first slot. She’s also know for tantrums when a book is taken away (the waiting activity). I know this, because right now I’m blessed to be able to sit with them. The babes are happily at home, sleeping with the nanny. That is nearing it’s end as I’m taking wider strides towards full time parenthood.

As soon as I got the call about lessons, my mind had already been set about the pitfalls of switching who had the first lesson of the week.

My piano lessons with Sis. Trumball were with my brother, Sam. Sis. Trumball had a fun house. Better, newer toys and something great down stairs. They had toys that we had seen advertised on TV.

Of course, the were no match for what was outside. The fair-weather treat for us: A trampoline. All to ourselves. No kids to share it with. No siblings to take turns with. AND NO PARENT TO SCREAM STOP!

Now for the expensive part, our lessons. Sam and I were supposed to trade off every week. Sam and I were supposed to take turns going first. Of course, second was the best. With the chatty teacher and mom, you got more playing time. At the time, my (now) dear brother Sam was a bratty, spoiled little boy who always got his way.

The fact is, he knew how to throw tantrums and I didn’t. Often when it was plainly MY turn to play first/lesson second, Sam would pout in the car. He refusal to move would get me dragged back from the fun, on to the piano bench. And all this would be time taken out of expensive lessons. Mom insisted on one year of lessons for each of her children. And it served her very well. Opera singers, Cello player in BYU orchestras, two boys in two bands, ward organist, and lots of great singers have came out of that work.

Getting back to our turn of the “year of piano lessons”. Sam now says he doesn’t remember this part at all. I wonder what life lesson is supposed to be learned in that. The only one who remember is the compliant one, so break more rules?

I enjoyed lessons, besides the fact that every other week I would have to duke it out with a big fat whiner. Of course, sometimes every week the car’s seats were given a beating during his tantrums.

Did you take any music lesson? What kind?

(oh, loved last post’s comments about your Pokémon names!)

Note to Author: Rachel, don’t forget to find/order

Music Flash Cards for learning the piano sheet music notes

Jane Bastien’s set is the best.

#GP27 – Music Flashcards

0-84027-01261

Note to Reader: Found them two days later, very easy to get at Mills Music.