No, I won't. I won't open my eyes. You can't make me....

Okay.  I haven't really posted in a week.  It just seems like that because of the cool "publish later" function on the blog. That way I don't overwhelm my few readers when I have lots to say. 

And now, I have nothing to say.   Because if I say it, I have to think it.  And if I think it, I will have to realize it.   I don't want to realize that my life sucks right now.  

RULES:  Don't tell me its normal to feel this way.  This doesn't make me feel better.  Don't tell me, "At least you..... "

Yes, lovely that I have kids.  And a husband.  And a job.  And health insurance.  Praise God it's not worse.  

But can't I be like you?  Have a house and a kid and better health?  I can't I have hope of getting better or better diagnosis to manage the stuff I do have?   Can't I even have a diagnosis (or three) so I can know what helps and what hurts?   And find a support group?  (or three).  For me, for Grant.  They say kids are resilient.  But chronic health can kill a marriage.   If it doesn't kill the spouse first. 

Or can't I be like Deb W?   Can't I have the inner strength, the understanding, the peace from God that I'm okay with my life now?   That having the pain but staying alive with my kids is worth it?  And since I don't have that, can't I have Deb here to talk to and remind me and teach me? I miss her.  A lot. 

I need a Deb.   Or a Sarah or two will do.  Or a testimony. 

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So sad New Years

So I get back on the computer for the first time since Christmas.

Sleep, doctors, parenting, sleep, eating, sleep has kept me busy.

What do I find?
Babies born to early and struggling to survive. See Kings 25 week quads and Crisantis 32 week quads.

A father dead, leaving his son and family in turmoil.

The stress of holidays and the single getting to be to much.

The stress of new years resolutions
'
or worse,
a 2008 year in review. (thanks for making me cry, Sarah

I DON'T WANT TO REVIEW MY YEAR!
I didn't want to live it in the first place.
Revisiting it would be to hard.
But if I don't write it down, it could all be forgotten.

I started and ended 2008 with doctor appointments.
Celebrated New Years Eve in pain and on meds again. (stupid tooth crown)

I've got many more positive emails, just needing editing to be posted.
But so far 2009 isn't looking so good.

#1, Cutting bangs......Things I'm bad at

Merry Christmas Eve...here are my Christmas Eve Eve musings.

#1 I suck at cutting kids bangs or hair.

#2 I suck at closing emotional cans of worms

#3 I suck at not caring what people think about me

#4 I suck at double negatives

#5 I suck at paying attention to my children

#6 I suck at being positive while I'm in pain.

#7 I suck at being positive when I'm down.

#8 I suck at letting sleeping dogs lie (IE, leaving emotional baggage shut)

#8 I suck at having photo calls free of children screaming.

#8 I suck at numbering.

#9 I suck at faking "I'm fine" when people ask "how are you?".

#10 I suck at gauging people's intelligences

#11 I suck at building my self esteem.

Really, I promise to do a positive list another day. I'm half laughing as I write this. I'd add pictures to prove my points, but then I'd get my ego bruised more by hurting peoples worms that are shoved into those cans.

But the main point of this is that I suck at cutting people's hair....

Before, getting her hair stuck in her peppermints ice cream float at FHE

After, happy that she can see again. Look at me! Look at the butchering I did to Katleyn. GRANT'S "bangs" are LONGER than his girls! I wish I could blame the snow for our bad hair cuts. But having a good haircut is VERY LOW on my daily living priority list. And I don't care to pay 10$ plus tip just for bangs. After spending an hour to get there, wait, clean up. Oh, and spending my few sitting hours getting a hair cut.