Oct 2009 Update: Why I am NOT strong or an example of faith

Dear Readers: 

This is part 2 of 3 of a letter.  In the interest of time, I have copied from a letter I wrote to my new friend, Nikola.  She had written me a praising, uplifting letter.  I’ve used bold font to show clips from her letter.  Then I respond to them. 

So if you want to find the answer to these, read on! 

Do you ever say -"WHY ME..."  "Why doesn't this get better?"    You deserve to have days when you are down and feeling sorry for yourself -

You are such a good person and trying to keep your faith and take care of yourself and your family all while you are in PAIN.  I ADMIRE YOU SO MUCH.   (And) seeing your example of staying strong through difficult times is going to be very good for them.

You have already shown Satan that you will never give in or lose your faith.

Seeing your example of staying strong through difficult times is going to be very good for them

What does your husband do?  Is he able to work from home sometimes so he can be there to help you with the children?  I'm sure this is very hard on him too

Thank, Nikola, for thinking so highly of me.  I have my responses below.  So hold on and get comfortable!

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Do you ever say -"WHY ME..."  "Why doesn't this get better?"    You deserve to have days when you are down and feeling sorry for yourself -

I've spent much time feeling sorry for myself.  Hating my situation.  Hating God, since I felt very impressed when it was time to have each child.   How could God want me to have kids, knowing that this would be the result?  I couldn't even hold my last baby for half of the first 18 months of his life. 

I feel frustrated at God that he let this happen. I feel that more than “why me.” We felt very inspired to have a 4^th child. We even questioned God several times. We had family members openly against our choice. I even had several early miscarriages, and took something like 6 months to even get pregnant. I’ve been reading a lot about chronic pain. I’ve learned that anger is a separate symptom of pain. I am sure filled with anger.  I can think of many times that I've been overly frustrated at Grant and/or the kids, and yelled more than normal.  Then I realize that I'm in pain that it was quietly building.  If I just take some time to rest or take meds or both, I feel less angry.   Because of that, I don't think I'm one to be admired.  I've hated this, I've been kicking and screaming the whole time, and I've felt very left out of life.  I still feel that our pleas for help were ignored.  But I hope that I will see it differently when this is all past.  If it ever passes. No, when the worse has passed, and I get used to what's left.

You are such a good person and trying to keep your faith and take care of yourself and your family all while you are in PAIN.  I ADMIRE YOU SO MUCH.   (And) seeing your example of staying strong through difficult times is going to be very good for them.

Don't feel like a good, faithful, strong person.  I'm a broken person. I know how much I've turned to swearing to express the pain and anger.  Even though I'm trying to keep it in my head more, it's still there.  I'm currently averaging 20 swears toward my family during the weekend, and 15 during the week.    And those numbers ARE me doing better.  So how can that be admirable?    I don't feel like I'm strong.  I've felt more pain that most of all my doctor's (and dentists) patients.  I've cried out in that pain.  I've curled up in a ball and given up so many times.  I've woken up, sad that I woke up and had to face another day in pain.  Update…since I wrote this I’ve been actively and painfully stopping myself from swearing. My family has realized how hard it is for me and is celebrating my efforts. You’d think I was potty training. Really, I guess its potty mouth training.

How is that an example of a strong woman?  How is that admirable?   I've heard that said by so many women, how they admire me for going thru this, that they think I'm so much stronger than them.   I guess I must look nicer than I feel, because I don't see it. Or maybe because I can make a few muscles turn my lips into a smile...maybe it’s that smile that people think that I'm strong and  worth admiring.  When instead, maybe I'm tired of crying. 

And keeping the faith, and all that.  Oh, that's not me at all.  As I said before, I've hated God.  I don't see how this is going to make me a better mother.  I've felt....removed?  left out?  invisible?...of church, of Relief Society.   At the beginning, I returned to church quickly after surgeries.  I wanted to be there.  Because I could lie down at church just as well as at home.  I was going to be in pain either way, and I'd rather get to talk to a few new faces than be at home in bed.  It's funny, because AFTER I got better, being just in chronic pain instead of acute pain, I stopped wanting to go to church. I've only kept going because of my husband's stubborn insistence.  It was easier to go than have all the questions and pressure.  

I've watched friendship disappear.  Groups of friends going on without me in gatherings, carpools, visiting.   I've fought with leaders.  I've felt ignored and forgotten.   2 Wise women have stood by me, encouraging me to take the higher road.  Encouraging me to read the scriptures, to pray, to hang on to whatever faith I can.  That faith comes in spurts.  Watching general conference has been a big boast.  I wouldn't have said those two months ago.

I AM NOT STRONG. Grant is strong. Grant has carried our family thru this. Grant has made me strong. Grant is amazing. I get my strength thru him. I keep my faith because of him. Even this paragraph isn’t enough to thank him, or tell about him.  Just because I’m alive doesn't mean that I’m strong.  I feel broken inside.  Sadly, I feel like a victim to my bad health and the reactions of others.

You have already shown Satan that you will never give in or lose your faith.

I have lost my faith many times.  I have cried thru church.  I have walked the hallways to avoid going into Relief Society.  I have mentally checked out of classes, because I was overwhelmed.  I would replay movies or think thru a book plot to keep myself in my chair.  I would think about what food I would treat myself with if I stayed in the room.  Often that meant running into the house for an ice cream cone the way most people would run for the bathroom. 

I must say that I despise the story of the rolling rock that is often used in lessons.  So far, I have found no scriptures that back it up.  You know the story, “I am like a rock, rolling down the hill.  When I rub against others, I lose a corner here or there.  In the end, I am a smooth, polished rock” 

If I’m a rock, I’m in pretty bad shape.  I don’t feel like I’ve lost any corners.  I feel like this trial has left cracks in my rock.   I can’t be alone.  But stories about people who didn’t grow and learn from their trials are not in the Ensign.   So some people’s faith grows the best during trials.  I haven’t experienced that. 

Seeing your example of staying strong through difficult times is going to be very good for them

You can see from the above faith and anger stuff, that I don't think I've been strong.  Maybe it's just because I'm in the middle of this.  I hope I have set other examples for them. My kids are growing so fast, so they have kept me going better than I would have been without them.  I've tried to hurry anything that will get me functioning enough to be part of their lives before they grow up.  This includes using strong meds (2 anti-seizure meds good for nerve pain, opioids, MS muscle spasm drugs).  These meds could affect me badly later in life.  This biggest risk could be addiction to the opiates.  I'm willing to risk that, and so are my doctors.  Raising my babies is the best part of my life.  And I'll do anything to have more of this time. 

What does your husband do?  Is he able to work from home sometimes so he can be there to help you with the children?  I'm sure this is very hard on him too

Grant is a computer programmer. Because of his job, we’ve had complete insurance coverage. I’ve already hit 100,000 for the last 2 years. His work allows him to from home. Finding working from home has mentally not been possible.

We've had a nanny for over a year, so my husband can work, and I could heal.  And have a surgery.  And heal.  And repeat.  Honestly, we tried having him work from home.  His work was supportive.  It turned out horrible.  He really needed some time removed from the situation to stay sane.  Work was the only place that problems could be fixed.  Just from this being asked this question, you are aware that chronic illness is a family illness.  This has been very hard on Grant.  He can't take a pill.  He doesn't get to nap.  If I think about it, what has helped him most is the nanny having a hot dinner on the table when he gets home from work.  

Instead of working from home, we've had a string of nannies for months, before a friend introduced us to "Nanny Julie".  For the last year, she's kept this family running.  She's been the strong one, the helpful one.  We've been so blessed to have the resources to have a nanny during the work day.  Our penny pinching early days really helped us out.    My husband jokes that paying for a nanny hasn't been that bad.  When I was bedridden for so long, I couldn't shop.  Our budget had much unspent money in food, clothes, kids stuff, household stuff, eating out.  All because HE had to do the shopping and HE only shops from the list.   

When I ask him how he coped with all the extra duties, and nursing me, and my grumpy moon, he said this:  There are needs and there are wants.  You don’t have a choice when it comes to needs.  No matter how tired you are, load the dishwasher.  Start the laundry.   Wants are another matter.  I’ve been very negative towards him about wants.  I felt bad for that, and said sorry.  He says he doesn’t even think about it, if he can’t change it.  So he wasn’t bothered by it.   What a great man!

Phew, if you made it this far, you’re either my shrink or a stalker.  As Kevin Bacon once said, as long as you have stalkers,  you know you’re still famous.  Stalk on, my friends, stalk on!

want to see the rest of the letter?  Part 1, Part 3,