Friday, January 30, 2009

My photo answer to: What have you been UP to?

I've hung out with my kids (Kate) , Oct 2007

Pre-christmas and Utah christmas 048

I've helped Grant pay bills and sort mail (6 months pregnant), Nov 2007

Pre-christmas and Utah christmas 001

I've spent time online with my Tablet PC (7 months pregnant), Dec 2007

Pre-christmas and Utah christmas 002

I hung out with all my sisters (Dec 2007) Me, Stina, Annie, Julie, Liza

Pre-christmas and Utah christmas 208

I had my 4th Baby

I've helped a tired, cranky Kate fall asleep (by example, it's the best way!) Oct 2008

Post surgery life, Alex is 9 084

I've watched TV with my kids (Nov 2008)

Post surgery life, Alex is 9 133

I've entertained Mark in the evenings, while Grant does Grant stuff. (Nov 2008)

Post surgery life, Alex is 9 223

I've entertained guests like my brother Sam (and all 4 kids from my home hospital bed) Nov 2008

Post surgery life, Alex is 9 246

I've gone to my church activities, pillow in hand. Thanks to the Beecrofts, I even have a cot for outside of the chapel. (Mark in stroller, Emily getting comfy, Kate being clingy at the LDS Christmas Party, 2008)

December, Snow 068

I've memorized my bedroom walls and ceiling (Jan 2009)

New Years, January life 2009 257

So how have YOU been? What are you UP to?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Flashback: How to make Jell-O festive (2007)

7 months pregnant and tears came when I thought about my Christmas Eve dinner. What's a girl to do who can't have fat without triggering a gall bladder attack?

Pre-christmas and Utah christmas 213 (Rachel and Grant)

Just because I could only eat Jell-O and oatmeal without pain, didn't mean Christmas Eve dinner wasn't special...I cut apricot Jell-O into turkeys and strawberry Jell-O into pigs.

Pre-christmas and Utah christmas 216

Yes, Grant did drive all over town, on Christmas Eve, but I got what I wanted. A pig and turkey cookie cutter. (Don't I have a great husband?) Despite my health, I had Ham and Turkey for dinner! I could claim that I had a vegetarian Christmas. But I can't claim Vegan. I know where gelatin comes from.

What have you done to make a restrictive diet "festive"?

The Prologue to "Reality from Rachel" 1996 to present

Facecrack  Facebook has boomed.  I'm reconnecting with people all the time.  Without the expense of tickets to a reunion.    Since I get asked "what are you up to?  What's happened since I last saw you", I thought I'd write a post and get it done with.

1996 Graduated from High School

Fall 1996 Had my first semester at Brigham Young University.   Lived in Heritage Halls.  Loved school.  Hated my back.   Cried a lot over the back.  And my ghetto high school DID NOT prepare me for the riggers of college.

Christmas Eve 1996  Had an CT scan of my back, back home in Denver, with my parent's insurance.  Showed a herniated disk was causing my back pain and horrible leg pain.

1997 Dropped out of college to do Physical Therapy and eventually back surgery. 

Fall 1997 Went back to school to finish my Freshman year.  Still recovering from back surgery and undiagnosed permanent nerve damage, I could only take 8 credits.  Changed major from Accounting to Food Science. 

January 1998  A really hot guy came to my door to be my friends blind date for a group thing.  A week later he called ME back.

May 1998 Got engaged to Grant Richins

Summer 1998, worked in Denver, got wedding plans together, while Grant did his first internship at Microsoft in Seattle.

August 1998  Got married in the Denver Temple, became Rachel Richins

Fall 1998 to Summer 1999  Took a few classes at BYU, lived in the obligatory horrible basement apartment, and was a nanny for my sister while she went back to finish a degree.

June 1999  Moved to Seattle, WA when Grant got a job at Microsoft as a programmer on the Visual Studio Team.    He's still happily working there.

November 1999 Our first was born, Alex Richins.  9 pounds, 2 oz. 

May 2000  We moved into our first house, and still live there.

June 2001  Our second child was born.  Emily Richins, a great, drug free labor and only 8.5 pounds

2002  Kept getting sicker and more crazy.  Postpartum depression, non functioning thyroid, and no progesterone or estrogen made by my body left me ravaged.

2004  Did a long elimination diet and found that multiple food allergies were contributing to my suffering.  I'm sensitive to wheat, corn, soy, benzoates, salicilates, milk, amines (and that's all that I can remember)  

2005 My health returns enough to try for a third child.  And we remodel our home, adding a few rooms.   And I get called to be ward organist.  Even though I don't play more than 5 hymns on the piano.   I start lessons right away.

Feb 2006  Katelyn is born.  She has horrible acid reflux and food allergies.   She stops eating because it hurts.   She throws up entire bottles, drenching everyone.   She loses weight.  We get accused of child abuse and have a CPS interrogation/test.   Finally find the right mix of food :  Liquid Allimentum, and meds:  Carafate and Prevacid and positions:  fed, play, change and sleep on a 45  degree angle wedge.   Katelyn finally gains weight.  She's fine today.

2007.   Try to get pregnant with #4.  Can't keep the baby.  Finally do.  Become so sick that I need meds to eat.  At 17 weeks, have my first gallbladder attack.  By the end of the pregnancy, I've gained NO weight and only can eat Jello and Oatmeal without pain.  Start laying down in church/car rides/parties because it hurts everywhere.   Get released from being ward organist, become compassionate service leader.

Feb 2008 Mark Richins is born.   6 Weeks later, Gallbladder is "born".  2 weeks after that, Fissure is repaired.  Then I get busy being a mom of 4.  Mark also had reflux/food allergies.  He can throw up across the room.   Med's don't help him, but doesn't throw up Oat Milk.  He's now a fat, thriving boy who is still drinking Oat Milk with vitamins and fats added.   Still has allergies and throws up wheat. 

May 2008   I'm not healing from the previous surgeries.  Use Microsoft Nanny service to watch the kids while Grant is gone, and I rest.  I feel better when I lay down.   Start to pay for nanny ourselves.  One day I want to work out.  I tie my shoes, throw out my back, and can't move.   Discover another herniated disk.  Try rest.  Try shots.  Demand to be released as compassionate service leader.

August 2008  Celebrate 10 years of love and marriage with Grant.  Neither of us expected this journey, but we've pulled thru together and still love each other.   Plans to travel somewhere exotic are exchanged to sending the kids and nanny away for the day and having the whole house to ourselves.  And having a couples massage.   Love you Grant!

Sept 2008 Have back surgery.  #3 surgery from baby #4.  Man he broke me.  Can't lift my baby until Christmas Eve.    Still slow to heal.  Still feel like I've been hit with a baseball bat between the legs when I stand/sit for more than 90 minutes.   So we still have the nanny.  We are grateful we lived frugally for the previous 8 years. 

November 2008, Rachel stops writing long weekly newsletters and starts blogging. 

January 2008  Diagnosed with permanent nerve damage at S1 nerve root (right at the spine, causes horrible pain in my left foot).  Also diagnosed with several abdominal prolapses.  Surgery #4 and #5 are scheduled in April.  Nanny agrees to pay cut so we can keep her longer. 

This is a rough draft of "So what have you been up too"  Or "the prologue to Reality from Rachel"   I'll probably update and change it later.  After the next doctor appointment.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Mark: What a difference a year makes

Rachel, wearing her Christmas Jammies . Mark wearing nothing, 2 months before he was born (Christmas 2007, Utah)

Pre-christmas and Utah christmas 256

Rachel, wearing her now baggy Christmas Jammies and Zmolek Sister's t-shirt. Mark wearing...a diaper? 10 months old.

Christmas Eve 2008, Mark Walks 186

I'm so glad for the difference of a year! Also, this was the first day in 3 months that I was allowed to pick up Mark! I'm not up to lifting Katelyn, but I can cautiously lift Mark. Happy days are slowly here again.

I'm praying for a even better smile for Christmas 2009!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Word wise? Help fill in the blanks...

New Years, January life 2009 029 

Mark will be turning ONE in ONE month! We're planning the party. I got a great idea on how to write the invitations....

M

A

R

K

(for each letter I want to write a sentence.)

 Mark close up, Jan 2009

#1 I could go with the mild, average mood one:

M uch to our surprise,

A year has finally gone by!

R easons abound to party and eat pie

K eeping our grateful and tired spirits high!

New Years, January life 2009 075

#2 Or I could got with strong, bitter one:

M uch love and joy a baby can bring

A nd sometimes they bring extra surprises.

Reality has proved that what doesn't

K ill you makes you stronger!

New Years, January life 2009 093

#3 Or I could go with the sweet, positive one:

M onths and months have passed 'till now,

A whole year wiser we have become!

R olling, crawling, walking, WOW!

K icking back now and party with a chum!

 New Years, January life 2009 265

So, what do you think? I'm not really happy with any of them.

Do you have any ideas? Mark is a super sweet, and has brought much laughter to our house, (in between projectile vomits). But being pregnant with him also destroyed my body. Hmmmm...maybe I really want more than just a party for Mark. Maybe I want a party for me, that I'm not dead yet!

New Years, January life 2009 275

Point of this post? Should I go with 1, 2 or 3? Or none of those, because you have one!

Give me your best M.A.R.K poem :)

Thanks :)

New Years, January life 2009 284

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Evidence that my 'clean' car was not.

I filled a whole bag of trash from our cleanest car.

Guess how many empty or refilled water bottles were in there? (Vote on the side)

I'm trying out this email blogging Right now I am waiting in the back seat of my car for an oil change. There is a 20 min wait till they can get my car in. I see another mom waiting with two kids inside. I'm glad I have kids of that age. I've brought them many times. I'm also glad I'm alone right now.

Oh- I love you Grant! Now your car is clean and clutter free. They even sprayed something nice!

--Rachel

Hmmm...not sure if I like Email blogging from the car. But now I know they put the photo first!

I did a lot today, and the day is not even over:

*Got the kids ready for the day ALONE!

*Drove to Seattle and got my final test results: I found out I have permanent nerve damage on my left S1 nerve root. It means I have pain in the side of my left foot. And I'll have it forever. Spine nerves never heal. (of course the alternative medicine person in me says, HA! That's not true!) Now I know what it is, and I'm sure of what it is not. So we move on from here. Still don't have any more info on the other half of my pain, the pelvic floor. (Sorry to my Dad and brothers who might read that, but I haven't found a pretty way to say it!)

*Drove to Bellevue to get my chart moved from one colon doc to another. Stupid HIPA with all the rules and all the paperwork needed!

*Drove to my favorite oil change place, Pennzoil, where my favorite guy was working. Now Grant's car has fresh oil, a vacuumed inside and NO WATER BOTTLES inside. At least, no water bottles inside until Rachel drives it again.

*Made a new friend! A mom of 4 who just moved from CA. I was thrilled to be able to write down some good parks and fun things to do. It made the time fly by!

*Wrote a blog entry. And posted it on the same day!

I'll answer you in 2011...

How are you doing?

Why are you lying down?

How are you feeling?

What are you up to?

Boy, I hear it all the time. From people who live in my house. To friends and neighbors. From people at church. And old friends from high school and college that I'm getting back in touch with on facebook.
How do I answer? Well, the last 18 months sucked. And were complicated by several different things

trouble getting pregnant
trouble staying pregnant
trouble keeping food down
trouble with gallbladder (+pain)
trouble with thombosed hemorrhoids (++pain) (TIM, I know, but the surgery to remove.... *shudder*
trouble with varicose veins (+pain)
trouble losing weight (they hate that when you are pregnant)
trouble starting labor (induced a week late)
trouble with the epidural (+++++pain)
trouble with back(+pain)
trouble with hormones
trouble with thyroid
trouble with gallbladder surgery(+pain)
trouble with fissure surgery(+++pain)
trouble with healing (++++pain)
trouble with back(++++pain)
trouble with back injections(++++pain)
trouble with back tests with injections (++++++++++++pain)
trouble with back surgery(+++pain)
trouble with continued foot pain (++++pain)
trouble with new, oversensitive foot (++++++++pain)
trouble with pelvic floor pain (++++++pain)
trouble with hormones, again
trouble with tooth (+pain)
trouble with root canal (++++++pain)
trouble with temporary crown (++++++pain)
trouble with test to diagnose the foot pain (+++++++++pain)

trouble trying to be a mom and wife and friend from bed.
trouble to keep my mind, my faith, my soul intact.


So when I pause when you ask, "how are you?"
It's not because I don't like the question. . It's because I just don't know how to answer. I'm glad to be asked, glad to be remembered. But, I'm not going to lie and say, " good". And I'm not going to fake optimism and say, "doing better." Mom, don't worry. I'm not always so negative. When I have a good day, I'm very happy and answer "I'm having a good day, and I'm happy for it".

I kind of like something that came to me when I was "facebook-ing" a high school friend....

How I'm feeling is a hard question to answer. It's complicated. I'm doing better than my worst, but haven't improved in a few months, and I'm far away from my best. And I'm trying to find a doctor or doctors who can tell me why and what I can do to get back to life. even if they just say, sorry, go to a pain management class. someday I'll post what all has happened, but it's to depressing to recount. Short answer: Baby #4 broke me.

Keep asking. Keep letting me know you are reading and praying for us. Keep being patient as I try to figure out how to answer the question. At least until 2011. That's going to be my great year. The year I'm healthy for 12 whole months. Or atleast the year my health doesn't stop me from living.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

My flesh is the object of affection for Mark's teeth

New Years, January life 2009 230

After months of biting, Mark left a mark on my shoulder. Now, several days later, you can see his teeth prints. They are a darker shade of bruise. I'm Mark's favorite chew toy, and the only one he's left a mark on. Yes, just what Rachel needed, more pain!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

How did THAT happen?

I have 4 kids?  How did THAT happen? Yes, I know how babies are made.   I remember the painful labors that put them in my arms.  Still,  4 little ones that call me mom is odd.  Mark's pregnancy and life has been backstage most times to my health.    He was 10 months old on Christmas Eve. 

Christmas Eve 2008, Mark Walks 114

 We had lit a fire, and were about to toast marshmallows.   I did photos with each kid in front of the fire.  Then a group shot.  I have photos from every Christmas at home like this. 

10 months after the labor and delivery of Mark, I saw this photo, and realized, with all my heart and mind, FOR THE FIRST TIME, that

I  REALLY  HAVE 4 CHILDREN!!! 

4 children call ME mom!   

(at the same time I was a bit sad.  I only have 4 children.  :(  Mom of more than 4 is not to be my calling.  The more I say it out loud, the more I hope to  come to accept it)

It really did happen!   I'm not just the babysitter! 

I finally remembered to post this photo because last week I had my second, "I really have 4 kids" moment.  It was when I gave all 4 insurance ID cards to the kid's chiropractor.  seeing all 4 lined up on the copier just hit it home. 

When did it hit you that you the parent of your children?  Or has it hit yet?

Friday, January 16, 2009

With all this knowledge, I should feel great! Ha, SHOULD!

I've been asked by one of my dozen new doctors to make a list of pain management things I've tried.  And I don't want to write it.  I want to sleep.  Or blog.  Yes, I want to blog!  So I'll blog my list :)  .... and I learned a new, cool pain scale.   Rate your pain, 1-10,   10 being doused with gasoline and lit on fire.   Finally, a pain scale I can relate to, that doesn't depend on my perception of pain!   (Thanks Dr. M!)

Rachel's list of pain management techniques; listed in the order of my brain remembering them. 

Type; Time period; what it helped; % of time it worked; downside

Relaxation therapy: tapes or scripts to relax body part by part; learned 1997,  still use;  I liked it.  It helps decrease any pain by some amount.  Works for mild to moderate pain, works on new pain, works on anxiety or mania;   Works 50% of the time for full relief. Downside:  have to clear my mind and believe in it, Pain increases if "tighten and then release, relaxing further" is used

Alpha waves: tapes for subliminal or sleep wave therapy; learned 1997, last used before 1999; Liked the calm music, but didn't find any noticeable changes with those tapes verses listening to other music.  Worked: 5% of the time.  Downside:  don't have a tape player anymore, and seemed silly

heat pack therapy; learned 1990's, still use; it can calm tight muscles, and bring down pain.  Great in the winter.  Great while I'm using it.   Works 85% of the time.  Downside:  should only use for 20 min/hour, pain comes back as soon as heat is removed.   Can't use anywhere.  Doesn't seem to touch the electric nerve pain in my foot.

ice pack therapy; learned 1990's, still use; great to calm inflammation or deep, aching pain.  Great in the summer.   Area feels great for around an hour afterwards.  Works: 95% of the time.  Downside:  should only be used for 20 min/hour.   Hard to keep with you.  Can cause more pain from tension of other muscles from being on the cold.  Doesn't seem to touch my foot pain.  

water workout; learned 2003, last used 2006;  works for non-inflamed back pain.  Need to slowly work up to reps, and some arm activities cause arm pain, so I don't do them.  Works: 5-75% of the time, depending on length of consecutive treatments.  Downside:I have to get to a pool or go to a class, and pricey.

Ultrasound; first tried 1996, last used 2008; Feels good during and after treatment.  Works: 99%.  Downside:  Need a PT to do it, need a babysitter to go to PT

Professional Massage: 1997-2008;  During the massage my pain is always better. Alone massage is enough to make pain tolerable, but doesn't usually make it disappear. Works:  99% Downside:  Sometimes I have increased pain the next day or two.  It's expensive.  Husband doesn't have the knowledge and patience to do himself at home.

bubble bath; learned 1978, still use; works for any muscle or nerve pain from the shoulders down;  Mild pain can be removed.  Moderate pain can be reduced.  Severe pain can only be reduced DURING the bath.  Works: 99%.  Downside:  not always convenient, neck pain can occur if used to long.

music therapy; learned 1995, still use; using music cues to change mood, lift energy, create sparks of hope; The right CD can get me dancing with my kids and melt my pain away, or remind me of my faith and bring God's peace.  With the perceived boost of  love from my family or God's peace, the pain is better;  Works: 5-35% Downside: I forget to do it when I need it, and my family has different music tastes than me. 

journal-ing; reinforced learned around 1998, still use;  By writing down my current feelings or situation and anxieties, I get two fold pain relief.  My anxiety is less, so my perceived pain is better.   I love writing, so time passes faster when I'm in a writing grove.   I have to be in the mood or get in the mood within a few paragraphs, or it will make my pain worse with the "should be" factor.  When I journal, I often discover more of my "shoulds".   I should be more of this or that.  A good mom should do this.  I should be feel this during that part of my life.  A good wife should do this.  My church thinks I should.... any of those sentences are my "shoulds".    Works: 40% Downside:  Have to be in the mood,  have to be able to position myself to write comfortably.

friend therapy; slowly learning, still use; If I call a friend who has been in similar situations and "lived to tell about it", I can feel better.  To have a friend acknowledge my pain is as real and as bad as I feel, it's priceless.  I can endure another day.  I can feel better about my situation.  I can lift the fog from my brain and be reminded to do what helps. Works 100% of the time.  Downside:  I have to call before my rational brain shuts down, or I won't call because I think no one would want to talk to me.

Lebed method exercise; learned 2006, last used 2008;  A gentle exercise program that was originally created for breast cancer patients during recovery.   I feel better while I'm doing it, and after.  It's enough to get my blood moving and give an endorphin rush, but not too much to cause rebound pain.  When I can go to the class, not just my DVD, I get so much more out of it.   Pain relief 50% Downside:  Does not work on acute pain; I haven't tried it since the back surgery since there are many back twisting, turning movements.  I also know the first time after 3 week or more break, I will have cold symptoms for a few days.   

To know more about this:  http://www.lebedmethod.com/

narcotic meds; used 1997 to current,  on and off; works great at reducing or eliminating pain quickly and for many hours.  Can reset my perceived pain scale when the meds wear off.  Works great for short term.  Works: 90%  Downside:  for daily long term use I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster.  I get more post-med neck pain from over exerting while the meds worked.   and body becomes dependant and/or tolerant of the meds.  Some pain doesn't respond to narcotics.   

prayer; learned 1978, still use; helps my mental attitude during painful episodes.  Mild pain can be ignored.  Works:  10% Downside:  Sharp or severe pain doesn't seem to be changed by prayer.   If I don't feel like praying, it doesn't change my pain

indoor tanning:  learned 2006, still use; improves my vitamin D, which tends to be low, improves mood and relaxes muscles like a massage.  Works: 60% Down side:  Long term use causes skin cancer

yoga/stretching; learned 1997, last really used 2008; works great for deep aches and relaxing.  Works better when done many times during the day and/or many days in a row.  Works:  50-80% Downside:  Doesn't help with nerve pain and makes acute spasms worse. 

deep breathing/meditation; learned ~1997, still use when I remember; releases tension.  It feels good to breath, and the pain feels better at first.   Sometimes I use colors to help.  Black is color of the painful area of my body.   I try to breath in deep breaths of healing yellow (sunshine), pulling it down to the pain.  And I blow out the black.  Works to get thru short term painful situations, like doctor visits.  Can put me to sleep if the pain is mild/moderate.    It always reduces pain, but doesn't always reduce it enough.  Works: 90%   Downside:  For constant pain that is moderate/severe it won't reduce the pain enough.  Have to remember to do it before pain gets bad enough that I can't make it up and follow it.

Food allergy diet:  learned 2003, stuck to until 2007 (gallbladder attacks):  Discovering and eating for my food allergies was a great experience.  My inflammation pain and many minor health problems disappeared that first year.  It works best when stuck to it 95% of the time.  When I'm on it, and devoted to the work, I feel better.  Works: 70% downside:  It's hard to feed yourself and a family different diets; Cravings suck, it's not convenient for eating anywhere but at home, it's hard to stick to it.   It's overwhelming to stick to it 100%.  When starting back up, it's best to do a stricter cleaning out diet.   Pain will increase for day 3 and 10.  Cravings, Cravings!

Visualization:  learned 1998, still use;  I've created a happy box that exists in the middle of my brain.  Sometimes I just walk around it, but I try to climb in and shut the lid.  Pain doesn't exist there.  It just holds my soul, and good memories, the only things I want to leave this life with.  It's a beautiful, wood, carved box with a lid.  It's soft and warm and light inside.  It's decorated with my favorite things.  I also have a mental beach scene I use.  For this one, I'm always sitting with Kay Suber.  She says all kinds of funny things like, "those silly crabs, they'll walk past us soon."  Those lines come when I'm having a sharp pain, like dental shots.   Makes the pain better while I'm using it, and will last longer if used during sharp pain.  works:  75% of the time; Downside:  Only works while I'm focusing, which sometimes is only 30 minutes.  Longest I've gone is 2 hours.  Some pain that I can't mentally get away from,  and then I can't shut the lid on my box. 

Biofeedback: Tried in 1998, 1999 don't use:  I didn't have luck releasing muscles on command.  I didn't feel nervous with the machines, but I was frustrated that my best attempts didn't work.  Any "tighten and then release" things left me in more pain than I started with.   Worked:  5%, only because the dark room, comfy chair was nice.  Downside:  Didn't work for me with the people who worked with me

****update****

prone therapy:  laying flat in bed or on the couch. Right now I spend 8-10 hours AWAKE laying flat.   Gives excellent relief after driving somewhere.  Works 80%.  Downside, I miss out on life.  Pain always improves, but not always enough to not need drugs or another therapy.   There are not always places to lay flat.

book therapy:  Reading an interesting novel or biography.  The Twilight series especially has been like a drug to me.   Pain goes away when I read it.  Works  90%  Downside:  The book ends, my family doesn't like being ignored.  Pain comes back when I stop reading

wow, if you really read this, I'm either paying you or I should pay you!   Or maybe if you read it, and it helped with your pain, you should pay me :)

So what helps you when you're in pain?  What do you think about while you have a shot? 

Realityfromrachel.blogspot.com

Monday, January 12, 2009

No, I won't. I won't open my eyes. You can't make me....

Okay.  I haven't really posted in a week.  It just seems like that because of the cool "publish later" function on the blog. That way I don't overwhelm my few readers when I have lots to say. 

And now, I have nothing to say.   Because if I say it, I have to think it.  And if I think it, I will have to realize it.   I don't want to realize that my life sucks right now.  

RULES:  Don't tell me its normal to feel this way.  This doesn't make me feel better.  Don't tell me, "At least you..... "

Yes, lovely that I have kids.  And a husband.  And a job.  And health insurance.  Praise God it's not worse.  

But can't I be like you?  Have a house and a kid and better health?  I can't I have hope of getting better or better diagnosis to manage the stuff I do have?   Can't I even have a diagnosis (or three) so I can know what helps and what hurts?   And find a support group?  (or three).  For me, for Grant.  They say kids are resilient.  But chronic health can kill a marriage.   If it doesn't kill the spouse first. 

Or can't I be like Deb W?   Can't I have the inner strength, the understanding, the peace from God that I'm okay with my life now?   That having the pain but staying alive with my kids is worth it?  And since I don't have that, can't I have Deb here to talk to and remind me and teach me? I miss her.  A lot. 

I need a Deb.   Or a Sarah or two will do.  Or a testimony. 

h

e

l

p

Friday, January 9, 2009

No more looking, I AM the neighborhood crazy lady.

December, Snow 156

Yep.   That's me.  In my warm pink bathrobe.  And my tall brown with orange flower rubber boots.  And one of my warm hats.  (And probably without a bra on, just keeping it real.)

And this is not the first time I've been outside, in my bathrobe.  That's hundreds of times.    I've even talked with people I know, while I laid on my porch swing, in my bathrobe.  

This is however, the first time I've been photographed (to my knowledge) in the act of being the neighborhood crazy lady.

This day was supposed to be two days BEFORE the winter school break.  Even a 1/2 of snow shuts down the schools here.  And the 5 inches we got on Dec 19 shut down the whole city.  Even when I called my doctors, I got transferred to the local hospital's emergency line.

"Due to the weather, most doctors offices are closed.  The Emergency Room is understaffed and overworked, so unless you're dying, stay home"

More proof of me being the neighborhood crazy lady HERE  and HERE

I would list many more reasons, but I'm in a good mood, and I honestly can't think of any.  If I do, I'll list them in the comments. 

Or you, my neighbors, can list them.    (sorry neighbor boys that I laughed at, then blogged about laughing, then saw you hung a sheet up where you didn't have curtains, then I realized I gave you a Christmas card with our blog address on it ...before I laughed at you.  Yeah, sorry.  Hope you liked the cookies!) 

In defense of Crazy Lady:

Every street needs one.  And I don't think I'm too far off to say that every street has one.  Now I don't have to worry that my kids will get attacked by our street crazy lady, without my knowledge. 

And if I only had a coat that was as warm as my bathrobe...or even if my body would get healthy and I wasn't always so dang cold.   Or if my kids were old enough to care.....Nah.   I like making my kids embarrassed.  It's payback for all those sleepless nights.   And like I said, every street has one.   Why NOT me?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I never bought a VeggiTale cookie cutter....

...but if you ever need to borrow one, I've got it!  This was a hard-to-find homemade donut shape cutter. 

This is what it looked like before Mark learned to open all the cupboards and drawers.  This is what it looked liked for years as we never made donuts.  This is what shape many, many hands have made play-doh donuts out of.  

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You can order this one from http://baking-cookies.kaiserbakeware.com/Donut-Ring-Cookie-Cutter-plu611228.html for just 4$ if you don't live near Gridley, CA.  I bought mine at Bremers. 

This is what MY cookie cuter looked like after today:

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Could be anyone of the Veggie Tale gourds, Jimmy or Jerry, or even Mr. Lunt  with his missing bellybutton.

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Or next "eyesight appreciate day"  or perhaps, "hug your optometrist day"  I could use this to make really cool cookies.    Yes, Uncle Kent, this cookie is for you. 

Thanks to all my kids for making it possible.  Mark for your curiosity.  Alex for your ignorance to anything found in the wrong place.  And Kate and Emily for being so sure footed as to make such a beautiful shape in such a boring, old circle cookie cutter.   How boring my life would be without you. 

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Ode to Stina, the best baby sister in the world

Stina, You rock.

I loved you so much when you were born. You were really MY baby, I just never told anyone. I was only ten, but I felt like your mom.  Until I left for  college.  Though I missed those fun tween and teen years, you have grown up to be a great sister. Even for being a little sister. 

Thanks for spending half of your college break with us.  You just proved even more how you, Stina, ROCK.

Not just cause you changed Mark’s soupy pants for a week. (hey, it got better a few hours before you left). Not just cause you watched the kids so we could sleep in. Not just cause you made dinner and fed the kids…then later listened to the tears and frustration from another of my doctor appointments.

Thanks for laughing with me.  Thanks for making me laugh.  And laugh and laugh.  And laugh again when I realized that I gave the neighbors (I blogged about) a Christmas card with our blog address on it.  Oops.  Hehe!

Glad you actually enjoyed the 5:30 am Christmas morning gift opening. Sorry Emily's tap dancing in the kitchen woke you up.  Sorry I kept calling you Emily.  Or Katelyn.  Or Julie/Liza/Annie. Sorry!

Thanks for being the photographer for Christmas, so I got to enjoy every moment of the kids opening and playing with their new toys.

Thanks for giving me a reason to watch Twilight movie again. And I’m really happy that you became a convert, once you gave me no option but to make you see the movie. I choose now to forget that you did want to see it, it makes me feel more powerful.   Thanks for getting it when I was so happy with my twilight keychain and hung it from my car mirror.

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Thanks for saying, “it has to be done, it’s Christmas day and it’s snowing” when I wasn’t so sure I had the humph to get the kids nor myself layered up to go out. It was so beautiful out there, with those fat, fat flakes of snow (looked like the fake movie stuff) covering the last foot we had. Thanks for the snow fort that will remind me of you for weeks until it melts.

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The hot chocolate was perfect. I forgot what to do next, while I sat in my wet pants snow covered boots . I was so cold and tired I didn’t think I could have a reason to get up again.   Then you said, "Now it's hot chocolate time."  That was some of the best hot chocolate I’ve ever had.

Thanks for saying “whatever” to meals, to activity, to lack of activity, to Grant and my argumentative style of conversation. “Whatever” CAN be a good word, really. Except when I really want your opinion on bread. What kind of break we buy for Christmas brunch really does matter.

Thanks for liking all your silly gifts. It was fun to shop for a college student. A flat of “cup-of-noodle”, some restaurant signs that would go great in any cool college student's apartment...or to use as a dating website photo.

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Thanks for playing “Power Grid” with us….staying up late. I know it was long, but that second night when I won was so, so sweet. Now I’ve told you my secret stratagem, so I hope you win at Julie’s house.

Thanks for being bossed around by me, with no please and thank you’s as I asked for water or kid care. Thanks for watching Mark after he took his first steps. Thanks for not being the one he walked to first. I’m glad you’re forever in that memory of Mark’s first steps, on Christmas Eve, after Santa came…walking back and forth between us.

I know I’ll get post-happy-visit-disorder now that you are gone. But I hope by writing this, I’ll remember the good times.

And I will watch my back, since you haven’t gotten me back for throwing that snowball in your face. Sorry I laughed so hysterically that I might have wet myself, but it didn’t matter because my legs got weak.  And then I fell into the snow and laughed.  That was a great, great laugh. You were so sweet not to take revenge while I laid on the snow, face up, still laughing. It was a perfect shot for you, and you didn’t take it. Thanks.

Stina, you rock.   I'm so proud of you. Thanks for still being the kid I wished I had. 

Love, Rachel

Friday, January 2, 2009

So sad New Years

So I get back on the computer for the first time since Christmas.

Sleep, doctors, parenting, sleep, eating, sleep has kept me busy.

What do I find?
Babies born to early and struggling to survive. See Kings 25 week quads and Crisantis 32 week quads.

A father dead, leaving his son and family in turmoil.

The stress of holidays and the single getting to be to much.

The stress of new years resolutions
'
or worse,
a 2008 year in review. (thanks for making me cry, Sarah

I DON'T WANT TO REVIEW MY YEAR!
I didn't want to live it in the first place.
Revisiting it would be to hard.
But if I don't write it down, it could all be forgotten.

I started and ended 2008 with doctor appointments.
Celebrated New Years Eve in pain and on meds again. (stupid tooth crown)

I've got many more positive emails, just needing editing to be posted.
But so far 2009 isn't looking so good.