Loose ends

For several months now I've wanted to write the last chapter of my time of illness. For weeks now I've been thinking about writing a closing post. To finish off my story for anyone who might stumble upon this blog, or those who kindly read it. (Thank you)

Then the holidays kept me busy. Then I debated how open I wanted to be with an unknown reader. I don't share so much of my reality with many people anymore. Today there is only a small handful I would share the same kind stuff that used to I shared with just anyone before I got sick. Even less now that it looks like I'm as healed as I'm going to get. This all gave such good reasons to not write an ending.


Writing a closing post was also put off when I realized, "I should do it a year after I made my last post" That day is now, yet I still am not sure what to write. I want write honestly and tie up lose ends. But I don't like feeling venerable anymore, so I want to write protectively. I can't figure out how to do both. But I like endings to my stories. Especially when they are more pleasant than I expected. And I appreciate those who read and commented on my blog during a time that I really really needed the special experience a blog can give.

For now I am...

• Alive.
• A full time mom (for the past 7 months).
• Able to walk long distances (record 3.5 miles) and get pain relief from it.
• A Graduate from PT, but currently I'm back working on my master's degree in as I continue to figure out how to take care of this body.
• Getting great low back/leg pain relief from a "SpinoMed" brace. (but it's only the latest in countless devices that helped...for a time)
• Able to cook a meal and still eat with my family without increasing my general level of pain.
• Doing projects around the house (right now a big one for Grant's birthday)
• Working on my well practiced (but bad) habit of swearing (I lose points everyday, but Grant might have me beat)
• Taking my kids to doc appointments, including therapy.
• Doing homework with the 3 kids who have it.
• Singing songs, giving kisses and talking to each child at night.
• Driving. Especially driving to Seattle without spending all my health reserves.
• Standing in line, sitting in chairs.
• looking a bedroom dresser free of medical forms, notes or info sheets. (shreading/ packing up those last signs of my illness has encouraged me to finish this blog too)
• Go to school functions, even volunteer.
• Go out to eat.
• Camp and other much more fun vacations.
• Go grocery shopping, household shopping, and even shop at two stores in one day.
• And so more that i don't even think about because it's so natural to me now.

All of those things I couldn't do without dramatic increases in my pain. Many of those things I just didn't do. Or if I did them at all, I couldn't do it without stopping to have a break to lay flat. Without headaches. Without feeling overwhelmed(which led to the yelling and before mentioned swearing). Without hurting bad enough that I whimper "I hurt" without even thinking the words. Without "paying for it." With out hating.

I couldn't have done it without:

• My husband, who didn't wavier in kindness, parenting, house duties, support and love. Even when anger and pain had burnt me to a crisp. Without him, there would be little reason for the work it's taken to get as well as I have been able. And because of him I am more able to do all the work it takes to STAY as well as I have reached so far.
• My primary care doc (she is also my OB) who didn't ever give up, cried with me, and celebrated with me.
• A pain management doc (Cassius) who specializes in Marcaine injections in the spine and muscles. He managed to properly get my thyroid disorder recognized and treated. His encouragement pushed me thru the some of worst days of my illness when I gave up all narcotic pain medicine 10 months ago. My pain is not my primary thought and motivator because of his skill.
• A good endocrinologist. Wish I found him after Alex was born, I would have remembered more of my kid's infancies instead of drowning in a dark hole after each birth...if my thyroid had been properly diagnosed and treated.
• Therapists and med doctors who specialized in chronic pain
• My best shrink, a great LDS guy who has known me for 9 years, who I trusted enough to hang on. And he gave me confidence in my skill so far and future ability to hang on.
• 10 months of a general physical therapist (Joan believed in me) and a little less time with a pelvic floor physical therapist (Myndee's work and advice set the rest of my healing in forward motion).
• A family therapist for the kids. She helped us understand how to respond to each child's different symptoms of trauma from this time. I hope none of your kids ever cry at night because they were worried that this time, this surgery their mom might die. Or become so withdrawn that there is no way to comfort them.

I wish I felt this was a safe enough space to share more without being judged. Having the stitches and wounds heal was horrible on the body. I thought I was done when the skin healed. Then a new tidal wave hit, emotionally healing from this drawn out medical roller coaster. I don't know if healing spiritually was an after shock of that wave, or it's own separate space that needed healing.

Regardless, I thought I was done. No one told me that I'd have to heal a third time, this time healing my family. Each of these steps, I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could face the work, do the actions or even ever feel like I accomplished anything. Each was painful in such a different way, that I can't even put them in order of "what sucked the most about this 3.5 year hell". That's 3-4 distinct stages of healing, (which each give you a huge sticker on your head that says, "judge me")(But those who wear non-polarizing glasses can see it really says, "love me")


I'm sure I've forgotten someone on this path. I've left out all non-medical people intentionally as part of my desire to not be venerable. Selfish yes, but I'm not ready. There were those people who have lifted me, answered the door and phone at important times, or had been so inspired in their actions that I felt loved when my emotions were blazing hot...those people were amazing. It was because of those kind of people like that I was able to even desire to find my faith in God and also in my church I hope they know who they are.

I'm not sure where Julie fits in here, so she gets her own place. A nanny who we were so blessed to find, blessed that she put up with us for 18 months or so, and blessed that the situation was such that we were able to ease me back into motherhood slowly. Boy, were those tough weeks as I was given back the job title of "full time mom". I wasn't sure we would make it thru.

Once again, I find that my fingers were able to write a post that I didn't think possible. At this late hour, I think I've included enough to tie up loose ends and keep safe those things tender to me. Thank you for following my blog, however much I knew you. Thank you for prayers and thoughts that were sent my way. Thank you for a mostly great experience I had as I gained the title, "blogger." Thank you.

So with that I finish this blog, a record of my past, of when I was ill for so long. I hope we never come close to experiencing this time again.

And if there is another stage of healing, I quit.

The End

Evidence that my 'clean' car was not.

I filled a whole bag of trash from our cleanest car.

Guess how many empty or refilled water bottles were in there? (Vote on the side)

I'm trying out this email blogging Right now I am waiting in the back seat of my car for an oil change. There is a 20 min wait till they can get my car in. I see another mom waiting with two kids inside. I'm glad I have kids of that age. I've brought them many times. I'm also glad I'm alone right now.

Oh- I love you Grant! Now your car is clean and clutter free. They even sprayed something nice!

--Rachel

Hmmm...not sure if I like Email blogging from the car. But now I know they put the photo first!

I did a lot today, and the day is not even over:

*Got the kids ready for the day ALONE!

*Drove to Seattle and got my final test results: I found out I have permanent nerve damage on my left S1 nerve root. It means I have pain in the side of my left foot. And I'll have it forever. Spine nerves never heal. (of course the alternative medicine person in me says, HA! That's not true!) Now I know what it is, and I'm sure of what it is not. So we move on from here. Still don't have any more info on the other half of my pain, the pelvic floor. (Sorry to my Dad and brothers who might read that, but I haven't found a pretty way to say it!)

*Drove to Bellevue to get my chart moved from one colon doc to another. Stupid HIPA with all the rules and all the paperwork needed!

*Drove to my favorite oil change place, Pennzoil, where my favorite guy was working. Now Grant's car has fresh oil, a vacuumed inside and NO WATER BOTTLES inside. At least, no water bottles inside until Rachel drives it again.

*Made a new friend! A mom of 4 who just moved from CA. I was thrilled to be able to write down some good parks and fun things to do. It made the time fly by!

*Wrote a blog entry. And posted it on the same day!

No, I won't. I won't open my eyes. You can't make me....

Okay.  I haven't really posted in a week.  It just seems like that because of the cool "publish later" function on the blog. That way I don't overwhelm my few readers when I have lots to say. 

And now, I have nothing to say.   Because if I say it, I have to think it.  And if I think it, I will have to realize it.   I don't want to realize that my life sucks right now.  

RULES:  Don't tell me its normal to feel this way.  This doesn't make me feel better.  Don't tell me, "At least you..... "

Yes, lovely that I have kids.  And a husband.  And a job.  And health insurance.  Praise God it's not worse.  

But can't I be like you?  Have a house and a kid and better health?  I can't I have hope of getting better or better diagnosis to manage the stuff I do have?   Can't I even have a diagnosis (or three) so I can know what helps and what hurts?   And find a support group?  (or three).  For me, for Grant.  They say kids are resilient.  But chronic health can kill a marriage.   If it doesn't kill the spouse first. 

Or can't I be like Deb W?   Can't I have the inner strength, the understanding, the peace from God that I'm okay with my life now?   That having the pain but staying alive with my kids is worth it?  And since I don't have that, can't I have Deb here to talk to and remind me and teach me? I miss her.  A lot. 

I need a Deb.   Or a Sarah or two will do.  Or a testimony. 

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#1, Cutting bangs......Things I'm bad at

Merry Christmas Eve...here are my Christmas Eve Eve musings.

#1 I suck at cutting kids bangs or hair.

#2 I suck at closing emotional cans of worms

#3 I suck at not caring what people think about me

#4 I suck at double negatives

#5 I suck at paying attention to my children

#6 I suck at being positive while I'm in pain.

#7 I suck at being positive when I'm down.

#8 I suck at letting sleeping dogs lie (IE, leaving emotional baggage shut)

#8 I suck at having photo calls free of children screaming.

#8 I suck at numbering.

#9 I suck at faking "I'm fine" when people ask "how are you?".

#10 I suck at gauging people's intelligences

#11 I suck at building my self esteem.

Really, I promise to do a positive list another day. I'm half laughing as I write this. I'd add pictures to prove my points, but then I'd get my ego bruised more by hurting peoples worms that are shoved into those cans.

But the main point of this is that I suck at cutting people's hair....

Before, getting her hair stuck in her peppermints ice cream float at FHE

After, happy that she can see again. Look at me! Look at the butchering I did to Katleyn. GRANT'S "bangs" are LONGER than his girls! I wish I could blame the snow for our bad hair cuts. But having a good haircut is VERY LOW on my daily living priority list. And I don't care to pay 10$ plus tip just for bangs. After spending an hour to get there, wait, clean up. Oh, and spending my few sitting hours getting a hair cut.

TTT, tail of the toliet paper and the tooth

Dear Children,

Two of you are potty trained. And you have been for many years. You are 9 and 7 years old.
After you use the bathroom, toilet paper is commonly used.
Imagine my surprise when I used your bathroom (also the only guest bathroom) and I found this....


Sorry it's on it's side, the computer won't take my fix. Just tilt your head, children. Do you see it? Do you? Nope, it's not the open toilet lid (Mark can crawl now, shut it!) And it's not the fact that neither of you have flushed. Look at the handy, built in toilet paper roll holder. Yes, toilet paper is so commonly used that EVERY modern bathroom has one. Look closely at ours. Do you notice that it is brown children? That is the sign that their is no more toilet paper. It's very clever that the paper manufacturers make the roll a different color. It's easy to tell when one takes the last of the toilet paper.
BROWN ROLL=PUT ON NEW ROLL.

Neither of you will fess up to being the last one. But I heard you both use the bathroom before you went to bed tonight. After I got you to bed, I had to use your bathroom. UGGG, was I frustrated to find an open, used toilet. AND NO TOILET PAPER. So I open the bathroom cabinet. Did you know we have one? It's right under the sink. And it had about 10 rolls of toilet paper. And something else, a surprise that popped out at me....

DEAR, Dear, dear children....this is NOT the way to clean up one of the babies toilet paper messes. This is not a way to hide your playtime with a roll. Your mother is very tired lately. I did not clean it up. I felt bad for any guests who might use our bathroom, so I did put on a new roll of toilet paper....


Look how nice and neat that looks! All ready to use! But children, am I done yet? Nope! I still need to do something, can you guess what? Think hard.....

YES! Throw away the old, empty roll. This is trash, or even can be recycled. It's not a trumpet. It's not a toy. It is not a soccer ball. It is not even a carpet, which I must remind you since I usually find it on the floor.

I thought the story would end there. But as I wrote this post, Emily yelled out. "My tooth! It's really wiggly. Really,really wiggly." You Dad, Grant, was with me. I was resting my tired back at the end of a long day. "It's your turn, you help her. She's had that wiggly tooth for months. She's too freaked out to actually let it go." It's true, if you look closely at the family photos, the tooth on the right of her front teeth actually sticks straight out. This is due to being wiggled lose, then not finished off. As Grant goes to help Emily, these dreaded words are heard, "Hurry, I taste blood!". Your dad comes back to me. He doesn't do blood. He doesn't even talk about blood. He can't look at my arm for days after a blood draw. He can't do teeth, because of the blood. I've always helped with each tooth, even the last bloody pull if I needed it. And we couldn't show Daddy the tooth, because he would feel faint.

But today, mommy was finally resting. So I told Dad to be a Dad (or Man) and do something quick before you got blood on your sheets and blanket. BLANKET! She's got the $300 PTA class auction blanket on her bed. GO, GRANT, GO! So he grabbed a chunk of the fluffy toilet paper under the sink. He handed it to Emily and left the room. Look, he didn't faint!

During all this discussion from our bedroom, Emily's tooth finally came out. She successfully collected all the blood on the toilet paper ball. No children, I didn't take a photo of that. I didn't' want your Dad to refuse to read the blog because of the possibility of blood. So here is thrilled Emily with her lost tooth #8

Exciting, exciting! Of course, this means getting the tooth fairy kit out and texting the tooth fairy to bring 50 cents.....

Next morning, the tooth fairy "dropped" the tooth bag while Emily was woken up for school. Emily couldn't find the bag in bed. Mommy ran away while the kids ate breakfast. Then she helped Emily look. Emily found that the bag had dropped into the clothes hamper next to the bed. Wow, the tooth fairy must have visited us last. She left a quarter, a dime, five pennies and one dime looking thing. Oops, it was a Korean coin. (Have I mentioned yet that Dad served his mission in Korea?) . Emily was thrilled to think that some Korean kid got her American dime while she had his Korean one.

And that my children, is why we replace the toilet paper roll all the time. And don't play with you never know when you might need some toilet paper!

Love,

Your mom

New photos of Mark, with new Aunt Ely

Mark got his own blog post from his new Aunt Ely.
If you'd like to see the super cute photos of our baby,
Click here to Ely's blog on Little Mark

And the previous post is a fun one, too.
Grant and I went on a double date with newlyweds Joe and Ely
We left the kids home, on the day before Thanksgiving,
It was a sunny, clear day (first sun I'd seen in a while).

We rode a ferry to the peninsula and back.
We left the car to walk on, as we knew there were fun shops and restaurants right next to the ferry. My sister Julie would have loved the art galleries. The glass was so cheap!!! And Liza, the jewelry galleries were so tempting even for me!

Ely wanted to see if the seaweeds tasted like those from her home in Chile. So she confidently strolled to the beach and tried each kind (there were several different colors and textures from the lowering tide)
The last photo was the best, only half capturing the reaction Grant gave over and over.

Yes, this is a almost link to another post. But since Ely already did the hard work of posting the photos, and a video.....

Strangers will never know how happy they made me today

New favorite attitude: Hopeful for positive changes, accepting of limitations, loving my kids with my ears, nose, eyes and lips.

New favorite song: The Middle - By Jimmy Eat World (click to listen to it)

I love that it is upbeat. I love the words. I love the lines at the start


Hey, don't write yourself off yet


It's only in your head you feel left out


Or looked down on


Just try your best, try everything you can


And don't you worry what they tell themselves


When you're away.




It just takes some time,


little girl in the middle of the ride


Everything, everything will be just fine


Everything, everything it'll be alright

I've finally read about NieNie and her sister and saw the hope and love in her blog before the accident. And the faith and service afterwards. Thanks Cousin Cori, for letting me know about them. Reading the story from the start gave me much needed prospective and a much needed cry.

I've had moments of beauty every day. Many every day. The nights are dark and dreary. But I'm not alone. Yes, God is there somewhere. And the prayers and angels that they say are with me. Most importantly, I have Grant by my side.

He doesn't complain when I toss and turn and wake him up. He holds me close when I can't endure alone. He reminds me that the meds will help. And he gives me hope that even if I'm never the same again......




even if I'm never the same as I was two years ago....

I will still have his love.

He will still want me at home with our family.

He will continue to work extra as I learn my new limitations.

He will hate the constant flow of photography

But he will love the laughter and the chubby baby cuteness that I'm capturing

And I will still have his strong arms and cozy tummy to seek shelter.

Dec 2, 2008 Giving up on a traditional family photo

My husband. My eternal companion. The man I've loved more than anyone else on earth. The man who's better than Edward

because he will never leave me (I'm reading book 2 again)

Reliving the heartaches of so many high school break ups thru Bella's loss...then having the love of Grant around me

I'll never be able to tell the band Jimmy Eats World that their song gave me hope during this ride of recovery. I'll probably not tell Nie Nie and her family how their years of blogging that I read in one day turned my broken spirit around. Lastly, Stephanie Meyers will never meet me, one of millions of fans, and know how the Twilight series was my favorite recovery drug. And gave a much needed burst of romance to our exhausted marriage. Three groups of people who were strangers to me. Three groups of people to whom I will always be a stranger. Thank you Lord, for such wonderful talent in the world that is full of so much suffering.

Twilight Movie Review: Good, Bad and Neither

Short Review: If you like family friendly styled films, if you know the plot of the Twilight books or can appreciate remakes of your favorite objects, You'll like the film.

As with most everything on this site, I hope I agree with it tomorrow when I feel better (or different).

Things you should know about my background with Twilight
*I've read all the books
*I own all the books, and bought them new (which for a cheapskate like me, that is a huge sign of love)
*I've read all the extra info about the books on Stephanie Meyer's official website
*I've read the partial draft to "Midnight Sun", the remake of the first book from Edward's perspective
*I've read the books around 8 times each (lots of time in bed, remember)
*Reading the twilight books is as good as a narcotic to me. If I'm in pain, they are sure to take my brain away from it.
*Knowing the above, my husband let me read them aloud to him one painful night.
*Before the end of the first book, he was reading them on his own. By the end of the month, we had mostly read aloud to the very end.
*I live in the Northwest, and love it here.
*I like independent films and artsy films
*I won't watch rated R, or other scary or overly sexually suggestive films

The Good: Review
Like I mentioned before, I'm a cheapskate. I enjoyed the movie enough that I felt it was worth my money. I enjoyed the movie enough that I plan on going again. And not only spending the money, but spending my only two hours sitting up a day in a theater. I also enjoyed the movie enough that I will buy the DVD. And I will buy my tickets early for the next movie, "New Moon". It was officially announced here

I love how they made Edward sparkle. It was a pleasant surprise. Grant wondered why they didn't just roll him in glitter. We, myself and other twilight moms I've read, are very glad they didn't roll him in glitter. I guess that could be a spoiler, but it's pretty basic twilight knowledge. Even Grant knew that vampires sparkled.

I loved the cast of high school students. There was much more development and range in the school chums. It made the first day much more fun to watch. And it added to my love of the school characters, I could see how the relationships in future books would come about.
>I won't spoil it, but I LOVE the scene when Bella meets the Cullins at their house. After you get over the whole house style thing. Some of my favorite things happen in that scene. Like the Salad Bowl. LOVED IT!

>I loved the car scenes. All of them. I'm not a car person, but I don't want to spoil the movie. They got the emotion and style right when there was a scene involving a car.

>I like Billy, Jacob's dad, much more in the movie. I like Bella's dad. Some reviews say he's too young looking. Well, I live in Seattle. Because of the lack of sun, people age slower, show it differently. When I first moved here, even the Grandma's looked so young. This was compared to the sun damaged folks I was raised around in Denver. So for a Northwest Dad, he looks just about the right age to have become a father right out of high school.

The Bad: Review

The movie was definitely a different view of the books. It felt choppy, the way the info about the vampire world was revealed to Bella. They didn't get the ton of emotion right when big story parts were discovered. I didn't feel the movie showed Bella falling in love with Edward. If I hadn't read the books, I would wonder why she hurt her dad for Edward. Grant said it well, "The movie showed Edward's point of view, Edward's falling for Bella much better than Bella's falling for Edward".

We didn't like the action scenes. Edward's running across the forest, racing up a tree seemed comical. At one point I stifled a laugh in Grant's arm during a dramatic scene. Speaking of dramatic (SPOILER ALERT), I wish they had mixed the sound better when the two covens crouch and hiss at each other. The book is very clear how animal this sounds. But it made me giggle instead, because it sounded and looked like my 2 year old pretending to be a mad cat.

SPOILER ALERT: My biggest disappointment was how Bella found out in a book AFTER the dinner in Port Angeles scene that Edward was a vampire. So much of her love and trust, in my eyes, is built from her going to dinner with a vampire, while he doesn't know she knows the truth.

Neither here nor there:

There were several things I shrugged my shoulders at, but have now grown to be fond of. The flashback scenes. Very artsy and melodramatic, but took me by surprise. The dramatic Port Angeles scene was done by men much younger and cleaner looking than I expected. But I've just reached that age where teachers, new moms and leaders are looking much too young.

SPOILER ALERT: I didn't mind that Bella didn't cook. It left more time for more important things in the movie. I loved many artsy cooking films, and I'm glad this didn't become one.


I still stick by my first impression as I left the theater....Think of the Twilight Books as the original Mona Lisa, viewed in it's original in Europe. This movie is like a good copy of the Mona Lisa, done by a first year art student.

And I must admit that even knowing what Stephanie lookes like, and knowing she was in the film, I couldn't pick her out. But I'm bad with faces.

My rating based on my love of the books: 3 stars
My rating based on good, clean movies that are worth watching this year: 4 stars