Loose ends

For several months now I've wanted to write the last chapter of my time of illness. For weeks now I've been thinking about writing a closing post. To finish off my story for anyone who might stumble upon this blog, or those who kindly read it. (Thank you)

Then the holidays kept me busy. Then I debated how open I wanted to be with an unknown reader. I don't share so much of my reality with many people anymore. Today there is only a small handful I would share the same kind stuff that used to I shared with just anyone before I got sick. Even less now that it looks like I'm as healed as I'm going to get. This all gave such good reasons to not write an ending.


Writing a closing post was also put off when I realized, "I should do it a year after I made my last post" That day is now, yet I still am not sure what to write. I want write honestly and tie up lose ends. But I don't like feeling venerable anymore, so I want to write protectively. I can't figure out how to do both. But I like endings to my stories. Especially when they are more pleasant than I expected. And I appreciate those who read and commented on my blog during a time that I really really needed the special experience a blog can give.

For now I am...

• Alive.
• A full time mom (for the past 7 months).
• Able to walk long distances (record 3.5 miles) and get pain relief from it.
• A Graduate from PT, but currently I'm back working on my master's degree in as I continue to figure out how to take care of this body.
• Getting great low back/leg pain relief from a "SpinoMed" brace. (but it's only the latest in countless devices that helped...for a time)
• Able to cook a meal and still eat with my family without increasing my general level of pain.
• Doing projects around the house (right now a big one for Grant's birthday)
• Working on my well practiced (but bad) habit of swearing (I lose points everyday, but Grant might have me beat)
• Taking my kids to doc appointments, including therapy.
• Doing homework with the 3 kids who have it.
• Singing songs, giving kisses and talking to each child at night.
• Driving. Especially driving to Seattle without spending all my health reserves.
• Standing in line, sitting in chairs.
• looking a bedroom dresser free of medical forms, notes or info sheets. (shreading/ packing up those last signs of my illness has encouraged me to finish this blog too)
• Go to school functions, even volunteer.
• Go out to eat.
• Camp and other much more fun vacations.
• Go grocery shopping, household shopping, and even shop at two stores in one day.
• And so more that i don't even think about because it's so natural to me now.

All of those things I couldn't do without dramatic increases in my pain. Many of those things I just didn't do. Or if I did them at all, I couldn't do it without stopping to have a break to lay flat. Without headaches. Without feeling overwhelmed(which led to the yelling and before mentioned swearing). Without hurting bad enough that I whimper "I hurt" without even thinking the words. Without "paying for it." With out hating.

I couldn't have done it without:

• My husband, who didn't wavier in kindness, parenting, house duties, support and love. Even when anger and pain had burnt me to a crisp. Without him, there would be little reason for the work it's taken to get as well as I have been able. And because of him I am more able to do all the work it takes to STAY as well as I have reached so far.
• My primary care doc (she is also my OB) who didn't ever give up, cried with me, and celebrated with me.
• A pain management doc (Cassius) who specializes in Marcaine injections in the spine and muscles. He managed to properly get my thyroid disorder recognized and treated. His encouragement pushed me thru the some of worst days of my illness when I gave up all narcotic pain medicine 10 months ago. My pain is not my primary thought and motivator because of his skill.
• A good endocrinologist. Wish I found him after Alex was born, I would have remembered more of my kid's infancies instead of drowning in a dark hole after each birth...if my thyroid had been properly diagnosed and treated.
• Therapists and med doctors who specialized in chronic pain
• My best shrink, a great LDS guy who has known me for 9 years, who I trusted enough to hang on. And he gave me confidence in my skill so far and future ability to hang on.
• 10 months of a general physical therapist (Joan believed in me) and a little less time with a pelvic floor physical therapist (Myndee's work and advice set the rest of my healing in forward motion).
• A family therapist for the kids. She helped us understand how to respond to each child's different symptoms of trauma from this time. I hope none of your kids ever cry at night because they were worried that this time, this surgery their mom might die. Or become so withdrawn that there is no way to comfort them.

I wish I felt this was a safe enough space to share more without being judged. Having the stitches and wounds heal was horrible on the body. I thought I was done when the skin healed. Then a new tidal wave hit, emotionally healing from this drawn out medical roller coaster. I don't know if healing spiritually was an after shock of that wave, or it's own separate space that needed healing.

Regardless, I thought I was done. No one told me that I'd have to heal a third time, this time healing my family. Each of these steps, I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could face the work, do the actions or even ever feel like I accomplished anything. Each was painful in such a different way, that I can't even put them in order of "what sucked the most about this 3.5 year hell". That's 3-4 distinct stages of healing, (which each give you a huge sticker on your head that says, "judge me")(But those who wear non-polarizing glasses can see it really says, "love me")


I'm sure I've forgotten someone on this path. I've left out all non-medical people intentionally as part of my desire to not be venerable. Selfish yes, but I'm not ready. There were those people who have lifted me, answered the door and phone at important times, or had been so inspired in their actions that I felt loved when my emotions were blazing hot...those people were amazing. It was because of those kind of people like that I was able to even desire to find my faith in God and also in my church I hope they know who they are.

I'm not sure where Julie fits in here, so she gets her own place. A nanny who we were so blessed to find, blessed that she put up with us for 18 months or so, and blessed that the situation was such that we were able to ease me back into motherhood slowly. Boy, were those tough weeks as I was given back the job title of "full time mom". I wasn't sure we would make it thru.

Once again, I find that my fingers were able to write a post that I didn't think possible. At this late hour, I think I've included enough to tie up loose ends and keep safe those things tender to me. Thank you for following my blog, however much I knew you. Thank you for prayers and thoughts that were sent my way. Thank you for a mostly great experience I had as I gained the title, "blogger." Thank you.

So with that I finish this blog, a record of my past, of when I was ill for so long. I hope we never come close to experiencing this time again.

And if there is another stage of healing, I quit.

The End

Hostile takeover has been explained...I hope

I realize that by posting this, I will tick of some family readers who hate when I talk about my health. Don't worry, read to the end for a happy finish (non medical)

But there are others out there who are also stuck in a cycle of illness. I've learned from their writings. Maybe I can help another...

So I'm tired. REALLY TIRED. So tired that when I try to wake up, I feel like I'm underwater. It takes me a while to get my voice and limbs working.

My brain has been hijacked. Thoughts I have now that seem normal and rational, I can safely assume I will think better of. Like my plans to suffer thru just one more year of pain. I know, my husband knows, my doctors are all on board and up to date. This is Emily's facial representation of my brain

(Really it's her new favorite silly face to make. She's really practiced it well in the mirror, great eye crossing! )

I was relieved to find out Monday that my progesterone, estrogen, vitamin D and Iron are very low again. YES! I know I'm crazy, but now I have a reason for the recent hostile takeover!

So I'm back on progesterone. 100mg, at bedtime, and it's freshly compounded (not synthetic or old from a normal pharmacy). I thought I was free of it, that I was healthy enough to trust my body to make it's own hormones. Guess not. Not yet, anyway.

And now I wait. As my shrink says, just let momentum happen right now. The days will go by, and I will slowly, slowly get my brain back. My family waits. Especially my husband, who is the only one I share all my thoughts with. Of course, he's the only one in bed with me at 1am to listen to those thoughts. Nighttime is the worst. The scriptures about Christ as the light of the world are more meaningful to me now. Now, as the northwest has the long, dark days and nights. Now as my brain tries to function on bad blood and bad food (i know, i know, I'm going to try to eat more than chocolate all day and a normal dinner).

I try to pass the time well...like posting, reading, doing paperwork to get insurance and FSA to pay us for doctor stuff. Oh, and shopping. I finally went to the local thrift store and got some jeans. My size 12-14 jeans can slip off. I was thrilled to fit comfortably into a size 10. I haven't been a size 10 since....I was in my first trimester with Alex. The size 6-8 I was when I got married/graduated will never return. But I can be happy with a 10. As long as it lasts. 144. Wow. I haven't seen that number on the scale this decade. That's only 15 pounds heavier that the day I got married. That's less than I wrote on my drivers license, which I lied on.

It would be more glorious if so much pain wasn't involved in getting there. Diet vs pain???? Hmmmm, pain has pain killers. Diet and hunger, been there, done that....I think I'll take the pain. And the skinny.

Ignore the tired face...trying on the new top with blue skirt....

This photo is a top that I ended up returning. LOVED IT, but it fit perfectly, and it had never been washed (100% cotton) and I don't want to be upset when I gain some weight and can't fit it. Or worse, wear it when I gain weight and I really shouldn't wear it.

Grant was putting the kids to bed, so I took this one....size 10 jeans! with top I returned...so said. I loved the pattern!

NON MEDICAL ENDING

PS....if anyone can get Grandma Spencer to read this...Here is where I installed the artwork I was so privileged to acquire at her estate sale. Right over my piano. The same piano that I FINALLY cleaned off last week. It was covered with a decade of home videos (now mostly converted to DVD) and 5 years of tax documents from our FINALLY finished Audit. Yep, nothing like an IRS audit, delivered two weeks before your fourth pregnancy from HELL was to end. Oh wait, since it was such a horrible pregnancy, nothing like at IRS audit to finish off 40 horrible weeks with a bang. Baby Mark (Who was born a week late on top of it) was crawling before we got the paperwork error (their part) fixed. And now with Mark almost walking, we've finally put away the paperwork. Ahh.....pretty photo, clean house, happy kids....

Do you remember what to notice in the above photo?

Brass Artwork

Clean piano

LACK of tax papers and VCR tapes

Organized music

Finished Christmas tree

Fruit loop tree garland craft project that Grant planned, bought and executed alone

Gate that we only bought for baby 4 to protect tree

Katelyn with a Clementine orange sticker on her head from breakfast. So Bollywood

Oh, and also Grandma Spencer's couch that is slightly younger than me. And still in great shape. But that's another post for another day...and I've already rambled long enough on this one.....besides, IT'S TANNING DAY!

In the beginning...

So facebook and my weekly newsletters aren't enough for me.
Reasons Today for finally starting a blog:

I've been resting in bed since May 2008, my thoughts need to go somewhere.
I want to keep tabs on my favorite blogs from family
I really want to keep tabs on my favorite multiples blogs
I'd like to think someone reads this, proving my importance in this world
People say my newsletters are funny. So maybe my blog will be too.
People say my newsletters are gross. So maybe my blog will be too.
I've been writing family newsletters for 4 or more years, so I'm good at this (i really really hope)
I've gone thru a lot in my young life, and maybe my story will help someone else



Family Stats
Grant...full time breadwinner and bacon cooker
Rachel....full time sicko, trying to heal from 5 surgeries
Alex....9 years old, full time student, part time fight picker
Emily....7 years old, full time student, part time singer/screamer
Katelyn....2 1/2 years old, full time TV watcher (lets be honest), beginner potty trainer
Mark...9 months, recently finished his last job as Rachel's body recker. Currently full time crawler and teether

And Nanny Julie, our sanity and health saver, who takes care of the kids while Grant works and Rachel rests.