Monday, January 23, 2017

Happy and sad lists AKA need an outlet since I quit facebook



Things making me sad


misophobia Facebook. the state of politics the gaps in the education system from pay gaps to learning gaps muscle spasms!!!! Why won't, they let go?. helping a kid with a concussion, new territory for us . food allergies, picky eaters, eating disorders. sugar Cravings why cant pie and ice cream everyday make me healthy.  kids needing help with school work, but refusing to take it. guilty feelings and guilty emails from Kate's orchestra teacher. fear of hurting. fear of pain coming back.  Fear of injury. fear of todays pain getting worse and worse and worse tomorrow. fear of not coping anymore, fitting ABA therapy into our lives happy, even just needing ABA therapy second guessing myself: did i pick the right providers, am i  picking the best time spent on the best resources to help us get through this tough time? making grocery list, meal  list, family calendar lists. Week after week. doubt doubt doubt am making the right choices for myself for my kids. pain and fear of pain. all the wasted fights and time before we figured out Mark doesn't hate reading…he hates fictional stories, but loves science.

. so much hurt and pain and suffering all over the world and can't see how to help more than prayer. I am barely able to take care of my own family. feeling overwhelmed. Pain pushing me over the edge. feeling inadequate in resources time and energy and kindness to help take care in raise my children. guilt for letting little 12 year old Rachel down for not having the motherhood to experience that I had dreamed of enjoying. mental health standing next to kids with mental health issues that cannot disappear with a hug or a pill or advice feeling helpless as relationships around me fall apart. can't let go of guilt from the past and fear from the future extended family relationships that are negative or draining. picky eaters calorie counting to fatten up Mark bad blood work. taking kids to their blood drawn protein counting and getting kids to eat it. sleep apnea jealousy… Why did they start making cute women CPAP machines after I got mine? not having time to properly edit  this because it's time to get up and start  Round 2 of breakfast


what's making me happy:


🙂my family 🙂 my warm sweater and rainbow scarf from my sister 🙂 humor esspecially unicorn related humor

🙂 writing the post and voice recognition software to make it possible to create this While I lay on a hot pack 🙂 my boys, especially when they snuggle. 🙂 Marks adorable slippers 6, Pack Abs and a Cape is awesome on slippers. 🙂 Hamilton, the Musical. 🙂 Kate, sharing my obsession with Hamilton, the musical and also obsession with finding YouTube and podcasts all about it. 🙂 reconnecting with my sisters. 🙂 friendships that just got stronger as everyone helped me when I couldn't drive. It really is awesome, how instead of wearing people out. When I needed help. The most it just made us closer. 🙂 Kates long hair. 🙂 sisters, especially when they're happy together 🙂 Emily's new obsession of taking care of Kates hair 🙂 and Alex is his when it was long. 🙂 dinner and a movie date with grant Saturday. 🙂 the high school being super understanding and helpful with Emily. 🙂 swim team and rock climbing that makes Alex so happy and busy and happy. 🙂 Skype, so I can still talk to my parents easily. Add my dad waking up early and my mom being a night owl. So it's easy to get them despite the time difference in Prague 🙂. Noise cancelling headphones, plates with dividers, cardboard cubbies 🙂 finally finding AR books that Mark likes, since he needs to do ar tests for his grades.  restaurants that do gluten free. 3 years now, no cheating🙂 Chick Fil, A with there safe French fries and peppermint chocolate chip milkshake. 🙂 Grant finding a team at work to change to that, he loves that he comes home happy and that he enjoys working again 🙂 Emily's recovery and wonderful relationship with her therapists.🙂 school orchestra, Kate Viola, and band, Alex still French horn. 🙂 neighbors and carpools that are helpful and lovely 🙂 being well enough to drive for a large part of carpool. 🙂 driving walking shopping  driving. I can do everything I don't need friends. Driving me or wheelchairs to get around🙂 my back healing on its on its no surgery🙂 friends who drove me around for months, so that my back heel and I could use pain relief medications 🙂 being able to be a full time Mom after having to depend on grants to be mom, and Dad and the kids to do extra work well I recovered. 🙂 feeling safe in my neighborhood in my city in my home. 🙂 extended family relationships that are awesome.  🙂 being understood and valued. 🙂Avazzia 🙂 hugs and back rubs 🙂 our great Christmas 🙂 a great team that supports our health.  We really have found a wonderful set of health care providers and people to make a big difference in our lives and take away the helpless lonely feelings. 🙂 Emilys pretty cpap Machine and the new design "dreamwear" masks. 🙂. French toast soaked in eggs and eggs fried eggs with bacon olives marks trusted foods that he will eat 🙂 hope.  hope in our current paths and in our treatments and our future improvement 🙂 getting to write and edit as much as I did between seminary round of breakfast and school little kids round of breakfast. 🙂 hot pads and Advil.

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