Friday, October 30, 2009

So you wanted to know more

I appreciate people still asking how I’m doing.

I’m getting better.  I’m not better, just getting there.

How’s it going?

It’s going.  Momentum is all I can ask for on the bad days.

How do you do it?

I don’t.  I’m all broken, except for my smiling muscles.  But I do know WHO I try to do it for….

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You might have notice some new posts in which I lay out the past two years.  I don’t think any of them really do well enough to describe the pain.  But it seems silly to write:  had surgery, AND WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT I CRIED ABOUT DYING, found out I had something wrong BECAUSE I WAS IN SO MUCH CONSTANT PAIN THAT I WANTED TO INJURE PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T HELP

So I’ll leave the pain up to your imaginations.  It’s probably worse than you can think of anyway.    On to some blog housekeeping….

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I’ve had some friends and new acquaintances' visit my blog.  One woman said she could tell I hurt a lot, but what was it all from?  Why did I have to have all the surgeries?  So I’ve tried to make my story more tidy to answer those questions….

So check out my new side bar under

FAQ>>>>>>>>>>FAQ>>>>>>>>>>>>>FAQ

  • What's wrong with you? Short Story (Oct 2009)
  • What's wrong with you? Long Story (Oct 2009)
  • Questions: Meds and Medical (Part 1)
  • Questions: Strength and Family (Part 2)
  • Question: Crying in Church (Part 3)
  •  

    Maybe if you ask a question, I’ll use in in my next FAQ post. 

    So what have I not talked about that you wanted to know?

    Morning music

    Katelyn dancing to "like a prayer" by Madonna.

    It made my morning when she started to dance on the floor

    We wake the kids up with music. Grant took matters into his own hands for the first time today.

    80's

    Ugh! It ruined my morning after Madonna was over.

    Next time I'm waking up before him.

    Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

    Wednesday, October 28, 2009

    How to stop crying through church: a seed of a new thought

     

    Several months ago, I was ready to give the church the boot.   I get this way after each baby.   Apparently, any great trauma is enough to trigger it. 

    I did nothing but cry in church.  Sometimes it was tears.  Sometimes it was inside.   It became so unbearable, that I would use meditation to pretend I was somewhere else.   When that didn’t work, I would bargain with myself.

    “If you keep your mouth shut and don’t say anything to ruin the lesson, I’ll give you an ice cream after church,”  I would say to myself.  “Just stay in your chair, and don’t look rude, and I’ll give you an ice cream come right when you get home!”  I would beg my legs, when they wanted to run.

    It finally a change in how I viewed church talks and lessons to grant me renewed faith.  At Stake Conference (with the rest of Washington and Alaska)  I was listening to a fun story about a boy chasing a known poisonous lizard (he wanted anyway) into an old mine.  I really enjoyed listening to this story.  I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the next bit of plot.   I actually forgot about the burning in my legs, and the spasms in my back.    This kind of talk was actually fun!

      It made me wonder why other talks made me upset, angry, broken, overwhelmed with "good lists".   I thought about it.  Most talks I take too personally.  Like it's a doctor, telling me my MRI results and how to fix it.  Or like it's a college lecture, information I must learn for a later test.  So I realized that the church speakers are not talking to me alone, and telling me all that I need to do better.  Instead I think of that fun talk about the lizard.  It was like a story a fun uncle would tell.  So now I listen to each talk like I’m sitting on a porch swing with an old friend. 

    The speaker/or talk/or lesson is just telling me their story, and their story within a given topic.  It's just their story of what helped and hurt them to get to where they are today. Each speaker/teacher in on their own life path. When they give a talk or lesson, they are just telling where they've been on their path of life.  Or telling how they see the gospel THRU THE VIEW from their own life path.  And I just listen to their story, relaxing, enjoy it, but just listen.   If I think that something they have experienced could help me on MY OWN path, I might see how I could implement it into steps ON MY OWN path.

    I hope I explained that well enough that you can understand that, down to your heart, on your own life path.   I would have saved myself a lot of post church/ post conference pain if I realized this truth.   Because if I think of everyone being on the same path, at the same time, I would drive myself crazy.  I do think there is a single, true gospel.  I just think there are many paths with many views that go around and thru the true gospel. 

    My shrink leaned back in his chair and twinkled as I told him my realization.  He was impressed that I "got it" so young.  Off the subject, I must say that  my shrink happens to be rare man.  He's a psychologist (can write RX) he does Talk Therapy (even more rare for a drug pusher).  And he's LDS, been a bishop even.  There is NO ONE like him in the Northwest.  Every 6 months he tells reminds me of a fact.   Utah shrinks says that the number of Prozac and similar RX given to patients (mostly women), rise off the charts every month after conference.  

    I will no longer going to be part of those new Prozac RX.  I will stop crying in church because I feel  berated and beaten up after 3 hours of church.  Or on my bad days, crying after just sacrament meeting, or even one talk.  I left Relief Society on many occasions filled with anger towards the lesson and the church.  I felt like the church was demanding to much.  Now I realize I was demanding too much of myself after a lesson.  It may take re-reading this every week for a while to remember that church is just story time.

    Line upon line, precept upon precept.  It’s the scripture that the design of the Denver Temple is based on.  It’s a testimony I have, but haven’t really used.

    I thought this was so important; I wanted to say it again.  You are on your own path of life.  I'm on mine.  We share the experiences of being Mormon, being parents, being a wife.  But we're on our own path.  And when we read the Ensign, or listen to a church talk, or for that matter, any media where truth is being spoken....it's being spoken from the point of view of that person's path of life.

    Remember, I learned that for me, I can't listen to a talk like it's a college lecture.  They are not talking to me alone, and telling me all that I need to do better.  Instead I think of each talk like I’m sitting on a porch swing with an old friend.  The speaker is just telling me their story, and their story within a given topic.  Even as they quote scripture and Conference Talks.  They are just quoting them as they fit into their life view. 

    It's just their story of what helped and hurt them to get to where they are today. They are just telling where they've been on their path of life.   And I just listen to this story, and enjoy it, but just listen.  If I think that something they have experienced could help me on MY OWN path, I might see how I could implement it into steps ON MY OWN path. 

    I hope that this gives you something to think about.  If it doesn’t ring true to you, I hope you find your own words that give you peace.  Like “Don’t Take it Personally!”

    *****

    This is actually part 3 from a long letter to Nikkola.  She asked about my great faith.  I had to tell her how it’s not been strong, or even noteworthy.  But I did make me realize a few things.

    Want to read the rest of the letter?  Click  part 1 and part 2

    Monday, October 26, 2009

    In the church news

    A choir event I was in made it into the church news.

    I was part of a stake choir that joined with 6 other church choirs at the local catholic church.  It was an incredible event, one I hope to see every year. 

    Since the event happened on Conference Sunday, we were able to accept the invitation.  The only thing sweeter than the spirit was the homemade baklava at the following cookie reception. 

    So great! 

    You can’t see me in the group photo.  I’m behind the choir director. 

    http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/58055/Unity-of-faith-Six-churches-combine-for-choir-and-program.html

    It was such a great even that I’m joining the Stake Christmas Choir.  It will be painful after 1 hour choir, 3 hours of church before the 1 1/2 hour choir rehearsal every Sunday.  But I always feel happy singing in the choir.   A happy event, especially on Sunday, is so rare for me.  I’m willing to put myself in physical pain to get it.

    Oh, and  you know how I mention pain so much?  You’re probably sick of hearing me say it.  I say it because I’m always feeling pain.  I’ve been told, “Oh, I forget you’re in pain.”   Gee, thanks.  Note to kind friends, don’t tell someone you forgot you were in pain if you don’t want to be thought of as rude.   

    Oh, there I go again, I my normal, worse than usual, Sunday grumps.   

    But do read the article.  You might surprise yourself by enjoying it.

    The Celebrities: Hollywood Halloween Party 2009

    These are given in no particular order.  I added blogs to those I know.  You’re welcome to ask for updates!

    We start on the red carpet leading to Powell Studios:

    Daddy Warbucks and Little orphan Annie (Grant and Rachel Richins)   

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 033

    Next is Our Dear Chef to the Stars, his lobster, and ?His Servant or Server girl?  Michael and Cindy Goulding

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 062

    Followed by the Woman known for her Sleek up do’s, our vintage movie star.   Stephanie Gardner

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 068 Powell Halloween Party 2009 070

    Even those Big Leaguers get to hob knob with the stars.  (Matt and Joanna Larson)

     Powell Halloween Party 2009 072Powell Halloween Party 2009 057Powell Halloween Party 2009 047Powell Halloween Party 2009 065

    Oh yeah, the classic “bald off”  (Grant Richins and ….

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 059Powell Halloween Party 2009 123  Powell Halloween Party 2009 066Powell Halloween Party 2009 035 Powell Halloween Party 2009 036 Powell Halloween Party 2009 037 Powell Halloween Party 2009 038 Powell Halloween Party 2009 040 Powell Halloween Party 2009 041 Powell Halloween Party 2009 043 Powell Halloween Party 2009 045  Powell Halloween Party 2009 050 Powell Halloween Party 2009 051 Powell Halloween Party 2009 052 Powell Halloween Party 2009 053 

    Pedophile Daddy warbucks and little orphan AnniePowell Halloween Party 2009 058

    Updates and names and links (if I have them) are to follow soon.  I’ve got an hour of PT, then I can finish this.  But I’ve heard too much desire to just GET IT OUT!

    Hollywood Style Halloween Party 2009

    First of all, much thanks to the Powells and Calls who put on such a wonderful event.    They have been planning this since August.  From the invitations, to the movie theater set up, and the concession stand dinner….it was an Emmy quality event.  I hope that more people will consider “tipping” our stellar hosts. 

    Now on to the party….the decorations!  I’ll start with the back yard, a tour of Hollywood Stages.  (Click on any photo to enlarge)

    Our Hollywood Set tour starts with my favorite, Twilight!

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 098

    “The city of Sporks welcomes you; Population 3208.  Vampire population 7 (which means this is before book 4)”

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 099

    “Dusk”  while the hand hold a bowl of ?soup?

    Our Next set is from the horror film, “Attack of the Killer Green Jello.”  I must assume that this was filmed in Utah, where the original Green Jello attacks took place. 

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 102

    Here is a better look at the poor city dwellers, escaping from the monster….or leaving a session of General Conference.  

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 101

    Our stage tour continues on to “Creature from the Laundry Room” 

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 105

    I was granted a back stage pass, since being recently victorious of my own creature

     Powell Halloween Party 2009 109

    Next is sure to be a crowd pleaser" “Pirates of the Titanic”

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 114 Powell Halloween Party 2009 115

    Our tour concludes with the local favorite “Star Shrek”

    Powell Halloween Party 2009 116 Powell Halloween Party 2009 118    

    This concludes today’s tours of the best Hollywood Stages.   Stay tuned for all the celebrities that came to the event, the movie premiers, and the movie trivia!

    HUGE THANKS TO LISA AND NAOMI and other nameless people who brought these to life!

    Sunday, October 25, 2009

    See a preview: A good day for us in Jan

    Alex finger, Ensign Ranch, Start of School 296

    Counter with last month’s family outing stuff,

    last hospital say stuff.  Birthday presents. 

    Clean dishes (cookie sheets) filling the dish dry thing (what is that called?)

    Alex finger, Ensign Ranch, Start of School 298

    Both sinks filled with dirty dishes. Some hand wash.  Most dishwasher.   The dishwasher is full of clean dishes.  For an hour Emily (above) had been crying that this job is too hard. 

    So the dirty dishes and clean dishes grow dust. 

    Sad thing is, this is only 36 hours worth of dishes. 

    A Saturday morning, after the nanny left us in good shape Friday.

    Oh dear, this is what my kitchen will look like on a good day next year.

    In 66 days, we are letting the nanny go. 

    I’m not ready to physically be a homemaker.   All the work and movement!   But I’m mentally ready  to be in charge.  No more daily calendar meetings.

    How have you dealt with coming back (from mom’s visit or a solo trip) to motherhood?

    Saturday, October 24, 2009

    What testimony has stopped me from leaving my church

    I have a testimony.  It is broken in many parts.  But two things I could never deny.

    I believe in the power of the priesthood blessings.  I had many blessings to help me before, during, and after my surgeries.  I record them and listen to them over and over.  I remember feeling so much peace then.  I trusted them in even my darkest days.  I still trust them today. 

    I also believe in the temple.  I knew that if I went inactive, I would not be able to have a temple recommend if I left the church.  I feel so much peace in the temple.  I know the temple ordinances are true.  Even during these hard, hard times, I’ve never been able to ignore this testimony.  Losing my temple membership would crush me. 

    So you may not be able to write an ensign article with your faith.  But what do you have a testimony of?

    Friday, October 23, 2009

    Mountains ahead

    I could go on and on about how this is a metaphor for my recovery.

    But really, I wanted this picture to show my kids that I love them. I love them enough to save them from folding and puting these away. They would rather clean toilets.

    Every towel and kitchen towel we own is waiting in this piles. Lots of table cloths, sheets, and blankets also thrown in. It was a messy week at our house two weeks ago. I have little memories as to why, just this pile left to prove it. Like a pile of ashes proves there once was a fire.

    And here, a week after wash day, they still stand. I'm getting quite good at looking the other way.

    But today my heart is glad I waited. I'm glad I have something to keep my hands busy as Amy B goes to the church. I'm so worried as she attends the private funeral she planned. For the baby that should still be kicking, but instead has left palpable grief.

    There is little I can do to change their world.

    So I fold laundry. A task I would have given away. A task that is to be celebrated, for I'm strong enough to contemplate it. And hopefully I'll prove that I was strong enough to finish it.

    Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

    Wednesday, October 21, 2009

    What’s wrong with me, The short story (Sept 2009)

    Hello friend and thanks for reading this.

    I realize I need to update my sidebar:what is wrong with you.  Not only have things changed, but I’ve had new friends read this and still be confused on “what I have”.

    So here is how I describe to people what I have.

    The short story:

    Got pregnant with #4.  At 2 months pregnant, I was in as much pain as I usually felt at 9 months pregnant. (pain)  I laid down everywhere, even the church pews.  I developed thrombosed hemorrhoids at 7 months, and had surgery to remove them (lots of pain.) 

    I didn’t gain any weight, because my gallbladder was broken.  (more pain) When Mark was 6 weeks old, I had it taken out.    I also had bleeding, and found out I had a rectal fissure that was now chronic.  So I had surgery to fix it (baby was ~3 months old).   That gave me pain that made me cry to think about sitting.

    I blew out a back disk during pushing, and had surgery when the baby was 8 months old.   It left me with permanent  nerve damage: pain in my back and leg. 

    All this time, I still had pain like I was about to deliver a baby.  Like i got hit between the legs with a baseball bat.  If I laid down, it was minimal pain.  Within 5 minutes of standing, it was back.   Found out I had a prolapsed rectum, rectocele, prolapsed bladder( cystocele), prolapsed uterus.   Fix  April and June of 2009. 

    I’ve had migraines all along, that have gotten worse and more frequent. 

    Pain better, but still there.  Now using a Pain Management team to use Physical therapy and medications to control my pain.   

    Even though I had my tubes tied, I have to take birth control to prevent periods.  It’s either that, or have excruciating pain, or a hysterectomy.   Phew, that really is the short story!

    Of course, now I’m having more problems with my known narcolepsy :sleep paralysis, hypnagogic hallucinations, and EDS.   I’ve been so sleepy, I’ve slept in my car between appointments.  When you get sleep paralysis there, it’s very very scary!   Oh, and my newest addition: burning pain in my hip and thigh.  Fun time’s at our house, fun times!

    That’s it.

    For now.

    Oct Update:  Why do I even  bother updating!  Just since I’ve written then, I’ve met with a sleep study person.   Turns out that snoring (poor grant, for sleeping with a Zmolek bear) can be a sign of sleep apnea.  Sleep apnea can lead to narcolepsy.   It’s great fun being me.    Just wait till I get older and I break down fast then I can fix me. 

    Still want the long story?  Here.

    alex's last den meeting as a Bear scout

    Making a birdhouse in my soul.

    Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

    Monday, October 19, 2009

    The saga continues...

    So much has happened in the world around me. I feel crushed about Amy. Another friends story has left me furious. And somewhere in between is my own life.

    I've written to a few newer friends what has happened in the last two years.

    Soon I'll be postings these. I'm sure they will just appear on my sideboard under FAQ. Some might even qualify for their own top page posting!

    So watch out for:

    What’s wrong with me, The short story (Sept 2009)

    The long story: Where I am, and how I got here. (Sept 09)

    What testimony has stopped me from leaving my church

    Why I am NOT strong or an example of faith (Oct 09)

    How to stop crying at church: a new testimony

    Just the medical stuff (Oct 09 update)

    Saturday, October 17, 2009

    Here, but more rain. And less girls

    Going to be here this morning. Crazy, but I'm going to leave my children with an nearly absolute stranger. I met Diane Campbell in a session last month. One thing led to another, and a box of tissue was used, and 12 kids moved out of the house, and now she's watching the kids so we can go to the temple.

    Wish it solved all problems like I used to think it did. But it can't undo. So much this week needs to be undone.


    And if we all wind up missing, Diane did it.

    Wednesday, October 14, 2009

    Urgent Prayer

    Please Pray for Amy and baby boy Barry

    http://amylovesdamon.blogspot.com/

    She’s got the misfortune of having me as her only visiting teacher.  She has wonderful friends who leave me crumbs to do.  She’s also my neighbor and my friend. 

    Oh, Please please pray for her. 

    Tuesday, October 13, 2009

    Sound Track of my Youth


    Can you guess my age?
    Songs of my youth (click to watch the video on youtube)








    Wait, wait, there were some boy bands I listened to...




    Undone, The Sweater Song by Weezer (this one is way more sad than I remember)

    Man, I feel like Woman Shania Twain (way more cheezy than I remember)


    Love Shack by B52's (still makes me wanna dance, and get thrown in the air, swing dance style!)


    You were meant for me by Jewel (man she looks young! She didn't at the time. I'm old!)

    Zombie by The Cranberries (or anything Cranberries!)



    Wannabe by The Spice Girls (gotta add if I'm being true to myself. Great Song the first 20 times)

    Mr Jones by Counting Crows (think of my friends, The May girls, when I hear this)
    And of course everyone cranked this up in a dark room after a break up



    Haha, if I go back to my middle school years, I would add Again by Janet Jackson

    Oh dear, this would be a lovely fill for my phone/MP3 player. YouTube is WAY more user friendly as i tried to search out the soundtrack of my youth.

    So is this your soundtrack? Tell me what favorites I miss!

    Sunday, October 11, 2009

    So close: Katelyn Missing Pieces

    I wanted to write about Katelyn’s choice to finally be potty trained.  But she’s wet on the carpet twice today.  Something is just missing with her.

    I wanted to write about how much better Katelyn is behaving.  But she’s had hour+ crying jags.  Today she spent 45 minutes crying in the Lobby because she wanted Mommy to take her to the back bathrooms.  Then in the chapel next to Mommy, crying because Daddy left to the Nursery (he’s thrilled with his current calling.)  Then she cried as I carried her to the bathroom, because she wanted Daddy to take her.  Then she spent 15 minutes laying in the bathroom doorway, for some unintelligible reason.  People had to climb over her, because I just couldn’t lift her.  Again.  Crying because I walked out without her.  

    What is missing?  The crying story continues….

    School fair, Sunday night 114

    Crying in the hall because we left the bathroom.  Crying because I made her wash her hands.  Crying because she didn’t want to pick up her paper towel and reason.  Crying because she didn’t want to walk thru the door, into Nursery.  Crying because I left her there, while I went back into the chapel to pick up toys that the babies had spread over 2 benches.  Crying because I came back to her.  Then walking past the door into nursery, happily running to pick up a dolly. 

     School fair, Sunday night 115

    What is missing?   Sometimes even a bottle won’t calm her.   My back was crying, and I want to cry myself.   

    School fair, Sunday night 109

    She’s 3 1/2.  We have her in Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy.  We should hear back from the State/School District  Headstart preschool any day.  

    School fair, Sunday night 106

    What is missing?  Her smile.  Where do I find it?

    School fair, Sunday night 111

    Photos: I came across some old puzzles of Katelyn’s.  I bribed her with them.  It worked, she cleared her dinner plate.  After we sorted the pieces to the right boards, she put them together.  With a little help, of course.  Or should I say with little help.   Once used up our supply of piece, we found that each puzzle was missing 1-3 pieces.    Every puzzle.  I felt like my life was being displayed in these puzzles.  So much is missing.  I’m in more pain than I’ve had in a month.  I can’t get past feeling like I need to have people and parts of my last year say, “I’m sorry.”  I realized last night that the words I were using made me a victim.  I know enough to know that it’s wrong to play the victim.   Now how do I get  that knowledge to erase the feelings.  

    School fair, Sunday night 115

    What are some of the pieces missing in your children’s lives?  Or your life?