I wanted to write about Katelyn’s choice to finally be potty trained. But she’s wet on the carpet twice today. Something is just missing with her.
I wanted to write about how much better Katelyn is behaving. But she’s had hour+ crying jags. Today she spent 45 minutes crying in the Lobby because she wanted Mommy to take her to the back bathrooms. Then in the chapel next to Mommy, crying because Daddy left to the Nursery (he’s thrilled with his current calling.) Then she cried as I carried her to the bathroom, because she wanted Daddy to take her. Then she spent 15 minutes laying in the bathroom doorway, for some unintelligible reason. People had to climb over her, because I just couldn’t lift her. Again. Crying because I walked out without her.
What is missing? The crying story continues….
Crying in the hall because we left the bathroom. Crying because I made her wash her hands. Crying because she didn’t want to pick up her paper towel and reason. Crying because she didn’t want to walk thru the door, into Nursery. Crying because I left her there, while I went back into the chapel to pick up toys that the babies had spread over 2 benches. Crying because I came back to her. Then walking past the door into nursery, happily running to pick up a dolly.
What is missing? Sometimes even a bottle won’t calm her. My back was crying, and I want to cry myself.
She’s 3 1/2. We have her in Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy. We should hear back from the State/School District Headstart preschool any day.
What is missing? Her smile. Where do I find it?
Photos: I came across some old puzzles of Katelyn’s. I bribed her with them. It worked, she cleared her dinner plate. After we sorted the pieces to the right boards, she put them together. With a little help, of course. Or should I say with little help. Once used up our supply of piece, we found that each puzzle was missing 1-3 pieces. Every puzzle. I felt like my life was being displayed in these puzzles. So much is missing. I’m in more pain than I’ve had in a month. I can’t get past feeling like I need to have people and parts of my last year say, “I’m sorry.” I realized last night that the words I were using made me a victim. I know enough to know that it’s wrong to play the victim. Now how do I get that knowledge to erase the feelings.
What are some of the pieces missing in your children’s lives? Or your life?
As I read this post, the tune "School Thy Feelings" suddenly came to mind, so I looked up the lyrics:
ReplyDelete1. School thy feelings, O my brother;
Train thy warm, impulsive soul.
Do not its emotions smother,
But let wisdom’s voice control.
School thy feelings; there is power
In the cool, collected mind.
Passion shatters reason’s tower,
Makes the clearest vision blind.
[Chorus]
School thy feelings, O my brother;
Train thy warm, impulsive soul.
Do not its emotions smother,
But let wisdom’s voice control.
2. School thy feelings; condemnation
Never pass on friend or foe,
Though the tide of accusation
Like a flood of truth may flow.
Hear defense before deciding,
And a ray of light may gleam,
Showing thee what filth is hiding
Underneath the shallow stream.
3. Should affliction’s acrid vial
Burst o’er thy unsheltered head,
School thy feelings to the trial;
Half its bitterness hath fled.
Art thou falsely, basely, slandered?
Does the world begin to frown?
Gauge thy wrath by wisdom’s standard;
Keep thy rising anger down.
4. Rest thyself on this assurance:
Time’s a friend to innocence,
And the patient, calm endurance
Wins respect and aids defense.
Noblest minds have finest feelings;
Quiv’ring strings a breath can move;
And the gospel’s sweet revealings
Tune them with the key of love.
5. Hearts so sensitively molded
Strongly fortified should be,
Trained to firmness and enfolded
In a calm tranquility.
Wound not willfully another;
Conquer haste with reason’s might;
School thy feelings, sister, brother;
Train them in the path of right.
It is hard to control our feelings, especially when our minds know better, but I find when I act the way I should, the feelings start to follow. I'm not done practicing that concept though. During an awful time, the Spirit told me to be compassionate and say compassionate things. So I did and I didn't mean it at the time. I didn't feel it. But then the explanation came later and I felt the compassion I was supposed to feel. I was really surprised by it and it was an interesting lesson to learn. I also learned that anger and hurt can make me physically ill.
Coming from a very disfunctional family, I have found it greatly beneficial to go to therapy. In doing so, I came to see that I have played the victim a lot in my life. I see now how it has crippled me. If I blame other people or other circumstances for the things I'm not happy about, then I'm off the hook! I don't have to do anything. I'm now starting to see that I am capable of solving my own problems! I don't need someone else to do it for me or for something else to happen! I can do something about it myself. It may not be what I planned it to be, but I can do SOMETHING.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I have learned is this handy saying: "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." Whenever I start that broken record in my mind that says "this is how it should be..." I'm setting myself up for a let down. Instead, I've had to face "what is" and decide where to go from here. I have to forget all the wonderful plans I wanted to see happen by now and just face up to "what IS". "What is" is never what I ultimately wanted, but at least it's a starting place where I can work up from. If I stay in that La-La Land of wishful thinking, I am at a dead end.
So in a way, looking at what's "missing" in your life can be a good thing if you see it as that starting point from which you can build something better. It all can't get better today, but some small thing can.
Thank you Sarah and Lisa. You both gave me much to think about. Thank you for sharing such personal stuff. I hope I can start to feel in control of my emotions and have nice feelings again.
ReplyDelete