Loose ends

For several months now I've wanted to write the last chapter of my time of illness. For weeks now I've been thinking about writing a closing post. To finish off my story for anyone who might stumble upon this blog, or those who kindly read it. (Thank you)

Then the holidays kept me busy. Then I debated how open I wanted to be with an unknown reader. I don't share so much of my reality with many people anymore. Today there is only a small handful I would share the same kind stuff that used to I shared with just anyone before I got sick. Even less now that it looks like I'm as healed as I'm going to get. This all gave such good reasons to not write an ending.


Writing a closing post was also put off when I realized, "I should do it a year after I made my last post" That day is now, yet I still am not sure what to write. I want write honestly and tie up lose ends. But I don't like feeling venerable anymore, so I want to write protectively. I can't figure out how to do both. But I like endings to my stories. Especially when they are more pleasant than I expected. And I appreciate those who read and commented on my blog during a time that I really really needed the special experience a blog can give.

For now I am...

• Alive.
• A full time mom (for the past 7 months).
• Able to walk long distances (record 3.5 miles) and get pain relief from it.
• A Graduate from PT, but currently I'm back working on my master's degree in as I continue to figure out how to take care of this body.
• Getting great low back/leg pain relief from a "SpinoMed" brace. (but it's only the latest in countless devices that helped...for a time)
• Able to cook a meal and still eat with my family without increasing my general level of pain.
• Doing projects around the house (right now a big one for Grant's birthday)
• Working on my well practiced (but bad) habit of swearing (I lose points everyday, but Grant might have me beat)
• Taking my kids to doc appointments, including therapy.
• Doing homework with the 3 kids who have it.
• Singing songs, giving kisses and talking to each child at night.
• Driving. Especially driving to Seattle without spending all my health reserves.
• Standing in line, sitting in chairs.
• looking a bedroom dresser free of medical forms, notes or info sheets. (shreading/ packing up those last signs of my illness has encouraged me to finish this blog too)
• Go to school functions, even volunteer.
• Go out to eat.
• Camp and other much more fun vacations.
• Go grocery shopping, household shopping, and even shop at two stores in one day.
• And so more that i don't even think about because it's so natural to me now.

All of those things I couldn't do without dramatic increases in my pain. Many of those things I just didn't do. Or if I did them at all, I couldn't do it without stopping to have a break to lay flat. Without headaches. Without feeling overwhelmed(which led to the yelling and before mentioned swearing). Without hurting bad enough that I whimper "I hurt" without even thinking the words. Without "paying for it." With out hating.

I couldn't have done it without:

• My husband, who didn't wavier in kindness, parenting, house duties, support and love. Even when anger and pain had burnt me to a crisp. Without him, there would be little reason for the work it's taken to get as well as I have been able. And because of him I am more able to do all the work it takes to STAY as well as I have reached so far.
• My primary care doc (she is also my OB) who didn't ever give up, cried with me, and celebrated with me.
• A pain management doc (Cassius) who specializes in Marcaine injections in the spine and muscles. He managed to properly get my thyroid disorder recognized and treated. His encouragement pushed me thru the some of worst days of my illness when I gave up all narcotic pain medicine 10 months ago. My pain is not my primary thought and motivator because of his skill.
• A good endocrinologist. Wish I found him after Alex was born, I would have remembered more of my kid's infancies instead of drowning in a dark hole after each birth...if my thyroid had been properly diagnosed and treated.
• Therapists and med doctors who specialized in chronic pain
• My best shrink, a great LDS guy who has known me for 9 years, who I trusted enough to hang on. And he gave me confidence in my skill so far and future ability to hang on.
• 10 months of a general physical therapist (Joan believed in me) and a little less time with a pelvic floor physical therapist (Myndee's work and advice set the rest of my healing in forward motion).
• A family therapist for the kids. She helped us understand how to respond to each child's different symptoms of trauma from this time. I hope none of your kids ever cry at night because they were worried that this time, this surgery their mom might die. Or become so withdrawn that there is no way to comfort them.

I wish I felt this was a safe enough space to share more without being judged. Having the stitches and wounds heal was horrible on the body. I thought I was done when the skin healed. Then a new tidal wave hit, emotionally healing from this drawn out medical roller coaster. I don't know if healing spiritually was an after shock of that wave, or it's own separate space that needed healing.

Regardless, I thought I was done. No one told me that I'd have to heal a third time, this time healing my family. Each of these steps, I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could face the work, do the actions or even ever feel like I accomplished anything. Each was painful in such a different way, that I can't even put them in order of "what sucked the most about this 3.5 year hell". That's 3-4 distinct stages of healing, (which each give you a huge sticker on your head that says, "judge me")(But those who wear non-polarizing glasses can see it really says, "love me")


I'm sure I've forgotten someone on this path. I've left out all non-medical people intentionally as part of my desire to not be venerable. Selfish yes, but I'm not ready. There were those people who have lifted me, answered the door and phone at important times, or had been so inspired in their actions that I felt loved when my emotions were blazing hot...those people were amazing. It was because of those kind of people like that I was able to even desire to find my faith in God and also in my church I hope they know who they are.

I'm not sure where Julie fits in here, so she gets her own place. A nanny who we were so blessed to find, blessed that she put up with us for 18 months or so, and blessed that the situation was such that we were able to ease me back into motherhood slowly. Boy, were those tough weeks as I was given back the job title of "full time mom". I wasn't sure we would make it thru.

Once again, I find that my fingers were able to write a post that I didn't think possible. At this late hour, I think I've included enough to tie up loose ends and keep safe those things tender to me. Thank you for following my blog, however much I knew you. Thank you for prayers and thoughts that were sent my way. Thank you for a mostly great experience I had as I gained the title, "blogger." Thank you.

So with that I finish this blog, a record of my past, of when I was ill for so long. I hope we never come close to experiencing this time again.

And if there is another stage of healing, I quit.

The End

With all this knowledge, I should feel great! Ha, SHOULD!

I've been asked by one of my dozen new doctors to make a list of pain management things I've tried.  And I don't want to write it.  I want to sleep.  Or blog.  Yes, I want to blog!  So I'll blog my list :)  .... and I learned a new, cool pain scale.   Rate your pain, 1-10,   10 being doused with gasoline and lit on fire.   Finally, a pain scale I can relate to, that doesn't depend on my perception of pain!   (Thanks Dr. M!)

Rachel's list of pain management techniques; listed in the order of my brain remembering them. 

Type; Time period; what it helped; % of time it worked; downside

Relaxation therapy: tapes or scripts to relax body part by part; learned 1997,  still use;  I liked it.  It helps decrease any pain by some amount.  Works for mild to moderate pain, works on new pain, works on anxiety or mania;   Works 50% of the time for full relief. Downside:  have to clear my mind and believe in it, Pain increases if "tighten and then release, relaxing further" is used

Alpha waves: tapes for subliminal or sleep wave therapy; learned 1997, last used before 1999; Liked the calm music, but didn't find any noticeable changes with those tapes verses listening to other music.  Worked: 5% of the time.  Downside:  don't have a tape player anymore, and seemed silly

heat pack therapy; learned 1990's, still use; it can calm tight muscles, and bring down pain.  Great in the winter.  Great while I'm using it.   Works 85% of the time.  Downside:  should only use for 20 min/hour, pain comes back as soon as heat is removed.   Can't use anywhere.  Doesn't seem to touch the electric nerve pain in my foot.

ice pack therapy; learned 1990's, still use; great to calm inflammation or deep, aching pain.  Great in the summer.   Area feels great for around an hour afterwards.  Works: 95% of the time.  Downside:  should only be used for 20 min/hour.   Hard to keep with you.  Can cause more pain from tension of other muscles from being on the cold.  Doesn't seem to touch my foot pain.  

water workout; learned 2003, last used 2006;  works for non-inflamed back pain.  Need to slowly work up to reps, and some arm activities cause arm pain, so I don't do them.  Works: 5-75% of the time, depending on length of consecutive treatments.  Downside:I have to get to a pool or go to a class, and pricey.

Ultrasound; first tried 1996, last used 2008; Feels good during and after treatment.  Works: 99%.  Downside:  Need a PT to do it, need a babysitter to go to PT

Professional Massage: 1997-2008;  During the massage my pain is always better. Alone massage is enough to make pain tolerable, but doesn't usually make it disappear. Works:  99% Downside:  Sometimes I have increased pain the next day or two.  It's expensive.  Husband doesn't have the knowledge and patience to do himself at home.

bubble bath; learned 1978, still use; works for any muscle or nerve pain from the shoulders down;  Mild pain can be removed.  Moderate pain can be reduced.  Severe pain can only be reduced DURING the bath.  Works: 99%.  Downside:  not always convenient, neck pain can occur if used to long.

music therapy; learned 1995, still use; using music cues to change mood, lift energy, create sparks of hope; The right CD can get me dancing with my kids and melt my pain away, or remind me of my faith and bring God's peace.  With the perceived boost of  love from my family or God's peace, the pain is better;  Works: 5-35% Downside: I forget to do it when I need it, and my family has different music tastes than me. 

journal-ing; reinforced learned around 1998, still use;  By writing down my current feelings or situation and anxieties, I get two fold pain relief.  My anxiety is less, so my perceived pain is better.   I love writing, so time passes faster when I'm in a writing grove.   I have to be in the mood or get in the mood within a few paragraphs, or it will make my pain worse with the "should be" factor.  When I journal, I often discover more of my "shoulds".   I should be more of this or that.  A good mom should do this.  I should be feel this during that part of my life.  A good wife should do this.  My church thinks I should.... any of those sentences are my "shoulds".    Works: 40% Downside:  Have to be in the mood,  have to be able to position myself to write comfortably.

friend therapy; slowly learning, still use; If I call a friend who has been in similar situations and "lived to tell about it", I can feel better.  To have a friend acknowledge my pain is as real and as bad as I feel, it's priceless.  I can endure another day.  I can feel better about my situation.  I can lift the fog from my brain and be reminded to do what helps. Works 100% of the time.  Downside:  I have to call before my rational brain shuts down, or I won't call because I think no one would want to talk to me.

Lebed method exercise; learned 2006, last used 2008;  A gentle exercise program that was originally created for breast cancer patients during recovery.   I feel better while I'm doing it, and after.  It's enough to get my blood moving and give an endorphin rush, but not too much to cause rebound pain.  When I can go to the class, not just my DVD, I get so much more out of it.   Pain relief 50% Downside:  Does not work on acute pain; I haven't tried it since the back surgery since there are many back twisting, turning movements.  I also know the first time after 3 week or more break, I will have cold symptoms for a few days.   

To know more about this:  http://www.lebedmethod.com/

narcotic meds; used 1997 to current,  on and off; works great at reducing or eliminating pain quickly and for many hours.  Can reset my perceived pain scale when the meds wear off.  Works great for short term.  Works: 90%  Downside:  for daily long term use I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster.  I get more post-med neck pain from over exerting while the meds worked.   and body becomes dependant and/or tolerant of the meds.  Some pain doesn't respond to narcotics.   

prayer; learned 1978, still use; helps my mental attitude during painful episodes.  Mild pain can be ignored.  Works:  10% Downside:  Sharp or severe pain doesn't seem to be changed by prayer.   If I don't feel like praying, it doesn't change my pain

indoor tanning:  learned 2006, still use; improves my vitamin D, which tends to be low, improves mood and relaxes muscles like a massage.  Works: 60% Down side:  Long term use causes skin cancer

yoga/stretching; learned 1997, last really used 2008; works great for deep aches and relaxing.  Works better when done many times during the day and/or many days in a row.  Works:  50-80% Downside:  Doesn't help with nerve pain and makes acute spasms worse. 

deep breathing/meditation; learned ~1997, still use when I remember; releases tension.  It feels good to breath, and the pain feels better at first.   Sometimes I use colors to help.  Black is color of the painful area of my body.   I try to breath in deep breaths of healing yellow (sunshine), pulling it down to the pain.  And I blow out the black.  Works to get thru short term painful situations, like doctor visits.  Can put me to sleep if the pain is mild/moderate.    It always reduces pain, but doesn't always reduce it enough.  Works: 90%   Downside:  For constant pain that is moderate/severe it won't reduce the pain enough.  Have to remember to do it before pain gets bad enough that I can't make it up and follow it.

Food allergy diet:  learned 2003, stuck to until 2007 (gallbladder attacks):  Discovering and eating for my food allergies was a great experience.  My inflammation pain and many minor health problems disappeared that first year.  It works best when stuck to it 95% of the time.  When I'm on it, and devoted to the work, I feel better.  Works: 70% downside:  It's hard to feed yourself and a family different diets; Cravings suck, it's not convenient for eating anywhere but at home, it's hard to stick to it.   It's overwhelming to stick to it 100%.  When starting back up, it's best to do a stricter cleaning out diet.   Pain will increase for day 3 and 10.  Cravings, Cravings!

Visualization:  learned 1998, still use;  I've created a happy box that exists in the middle of my brain.  Sometimes I just walk around it, but I try to climb in and shut the lid.  Pain doesn't exist there.  It just holds my soul, and good memories, the only things I want to leave this life with.  It's a beautiful, wood, carved box with a lid.  It's soft and warm and light inside.  It's decorated with my favorite things.  I also have a mental beach scene I use.  For this one, I'm always sitting with Kay Suber.  She says all kinds of funny things like, "those silly crabs, they'll walk past us soon."  Those lines come when I'm having a sharp pain, like dental shots.   Makes the pain better while I'm using it, and will last longer if used during sharp pain.  works:  75% of the time; Downside:  Only works while I'm focusing, which sometimes is only 30 minutes.  Longest I've gone is 2 hours.  Some pain that I can't mentally get away from,  and then I can't shut the lid on my box. 

Biofeedback: Tried in 1998, 1999 don't use:  I didn't have luck releasing muscles on command.  I didn't feel nervous with the machines, but I was frustrated that my best attempts didn't work.  Any "tighten and then release" things left me in more pain than I started with.   Worked:  5%, only because the dark room, comfy chair was nice.  Downside:  Didn't work for me with the people who worked with me

****update****

prone therapy:  laying flat in bed or on the couch. Right now I spend 8-10 hours AWAKE laying flat.   Gives excellent relief after driving somewhere.  Works 80%.  Downside, I miss out on life.  Pain always improves, but not always enough to not need drugs or another therapy.   There are not always places to lay flat.

book therapy:  Reading an interesting novel or biography.  The Twilight series especially has been like a drug to me.   Pain goes away when I read it.  Works  90%  Downside:  The book ends, my family doesn't like being ignored.  Pain comes back when I stop reading

wow, if you really read this, I'm either paying you or I should pay you!   Or maybe if you read it, and it helped with your pain, you should pay me :)

So what helps you when you're in pain?  What do you think about while you have a shot? 

Realityfromrachel.blogspot.com

No, I won't. I won't open my eyes. You can't make me....

Okay.  I haven't really posted in a week.  It just seems like that because of the cool "publish later" function on the blog. That way I don't overwhelm my few readers when I have lots to say. 

And now, I have nothing to say.   Because if I say it, I have to think it.  And if I think it, I will have to realize it.   I don't want to realize that my life sucks right now.  

RULES:  Don't tell me its normal to feel this way.  This doesn't make me feel better.  Don't tell me, "At least you..... "

Yes, lovely that I have kids.  And a husband.  And a job.  And health insurance.  Praise God it's not worse.  

But can't I be like you?  Have a house and a kid and better health?  I can't I have hope of getting better or better diagnosis to manage the stuff I do have?   Can't I even have a diagnosis (or three) so I can know what helps and what hurts?   And find a support group?  (or three).  For me, for Grant.  They say kids are resilient.  But chronic health can kill a marriage.   If it doesn't kill the spouse first. 

Or can't I be like Deb W?   Can't I have the inner strength, the understanding, the peace from God that I'm okay with my life now?   That having the pain but staying alive with my kids is worth it?  And since I don't have that, can't I have Deb here to talk to and remind me and teach me? I miss her.  A lot. 

I need a Deb.   Or a Sarah or two will do.  Or a testimony. 

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Ode to Stina, the best baby sister in the world

Stina, You rock.

I loved you so much when you were born. You were really MY baby, I just never told anyone. I was only ten, but I felt like your mom.  Until I left for  college.  Though I missed those fun tween and teen years, you have grown up to be a great sister. Even for being a little sister. 

Thanks for spending half of your college break with us.  You just proved even more how you, Stina, ROCK.

Not just cause you changed Mark’s soupy pants for a week. (hey, it got better a few hours before you left). Not just cause you watched the kids so we could sleep in. Not just cause you made dinner and fed the kids…then later listened to the tears and frustration from another of my doctor appointments.

Thanks for laughing with me.  Thanks for making me laugh.  And laugh and laugh.  And laugh again when I realized that I gave the neighbors (I blogged about) a Christmas card with our blog address on it.  Oops.  Hehe!

Glad you actually enjoyed the 5:30 am Christmas morning gift opening. Sorry Emily's tap dancing in the kitchen woke you up.  Sorry I kept calling you Emily.  Or Katelyn.  Or Julie/Liza/Annie. Sorry!

Thanks for being the photographer for Christmas, so I got to enjoy every moment of the kids opening and playing with their new toys.

Thanks for giving me a reason to watch Twilight movie again. And I’m really happy that you became a convert, once you gave me no option but to make you see the movie. I choose now to forget that you did want to see it, it makes me feel more powerful.   Thanks for getting it when I was so happy with my twilight keychain and hung it from my car mirror.

Thanks for saying, “it has to be done, it’s Christmas day and it’s snowing” when I wasn’t so sure I had the humph to get the kids nor myself layered up to go out. It was so beautiful out there, with those fat, fat flakes of snow (looked like the fake movie stuff) covering the last foot we had. Thanks for the snow fort that will remind me of you for weeks until it melts.

 

The hot chocolate was perfect. I forgot what to do next, while I sat in my wet pants snow covered boots . I was so cold and tired I didn’t think I could have a reason to get up again.   Then you said, "Now it's hot chocolate time."  That was some of the best hot chocolate I’ve ever had.

Thanks for saying “whatever” to meals, to activity, to lack of activity, to Grant and my argumentative style of conversation. “Whatever” CAN be a good word, really. Except when I really want your opinion on bread. What kind of break we buy for Christmas brunch really does matter.

Thanks for liking all your silly gifts. It was fun to shop for a college student. A flat of “cup-of-noodle”, some restaurant signs that would go great in any cool college student's apartment...or to use as a dating website photo.

Thanks for playing “Power Grid” with us….staying up late. I know it was long, but that second night when I won was so, so sweet. Now I’ve told you my secret stratagem, so I hope you win at Julie’s house.

Thanks for being bossed around by me, with no please and thank you’s as I asked for water or kid care. Thanks for watching Mark after he took his first steps. Thanks for not being the one he walked to first. I’m glad you’re forever in that memory of Mark’s first steps, on Christmas Eve, after Santa came…walking back and forth between us.

I know I’ll get post-happy-visit-disorder now that you are gone. But I hope by writing this, I’ll remember the good times.

And I will watch my back, since you haven’t gotten me back for throwing that snowball in your face. Sorry I laughed so hysterically that I might have wet myself, but it didn’t matter because my legs got weak.  And then I fell into the snow and laughed.  That was a great, great laugh. You were so sweet not to take revenge while I laid on the snow, face up, still laughing. It was a perfect shot for you, and you didn’t take it. Thanks.

Stina, you rock.   I'm so proud of you. Thanks for still being the kid I wished I had. 

Love, Rachel

So sad New Years

So I get back on the computer for the first time since Christmas.

Sleep, doctors, parenting, sleep, eating, sleep has kept me busy.

What do I find?
Babies born to early and struggling to survive. See Kings 25 week quads and Crisantis 32 week quads.

A father dead, leaving his son and family in turmoil.

The stress of holidays and the single getting to be to much.

The stress of new years resolutions
'
or worse,
a 2008 year in review. (thanks for making me cry, Sarah

I DON'T WANT TO REVIEW MY YEAR!
I didn't want to live it in the first place.
Revisiting it would be to hard.
But if I don't write it down, it could all be forgotten.

I started and ended 2008 with doctor appointments.
Celebrated New Years Eve in pain and on meds again. (stupid tooth crown)

I've got many more positive emails, just needing editing to be posted.
But so far 2009 isn't looking so good.

#1, Cutting bangs......Things I'm bad at

Merry Christmas Eve...here are my Christmas Eve Eve musings.

#1 I suck at cutting kids bangs or hair.

#2 I suck at closing emotional cans of worms

#3 I suck at not caring what people think about me

#4 I suck at double negatives

#5 I suck at paying attention to my children

#6 I suck at being positive while I'm in pain.

#7 I suck at being positive when I'm down.

#8 I suck at letting sleeping dogs lie (IE, leaving emotional baggage shut)

#8 I suck at having photo calls free of children screaming.

#8 I suck at numbering.

#9 I suck at faking "I'm fine" when people ask "how are you?".

#10 I suck at gauging people's intelligences

#11 I suck at building my self esteem.

Really, I promise to do a positive list another day. I'm half laughing as I write this. I'd add pictures to prove my points, but then I'd get my ego bruised more by hurting peoples worms that are shoved into those cans.

But the main point of this is that I suck at cutting people's hair....

Before, getting her hair stuck in her peppermints ice cream float at FHE

After, happy that she can see again. Look at me! Look at the butchering I did to Katleyn. GRANT'S "bangs" are LONGER than his girls! I wish I could blame the snow for our bad hair cuts. But having a good haircut is VERY LOW on my daily living priority list. And I don't care to pay 10$ plus tip just for bangs. After spending an hour to get there, wait, clean up. Oh, and spending my few sitting hours getting a hair cut.

Hostile takeover has been explained...I hope

I realize that by posting this, I will tick of some family readers who hate when I talk about my health. Don't worry, read to the end for a happy finish (non medical)

But there are others out there who are also stuck in a cycle of illness. I've learned from their writings. Maybe I can help another...

So I'm tired. REALLY TIRED. So tired that when I try to wake up, I feel like I'm underwater. It takes me a while to get my voice and limbs working.

My brain has been hijacked. Thoughts I have now that seem normal and rational, I can safely assume I will think better of. Like my plans to suffer thru just one more year of pain. I know, my husband knows, my doctors are all on board and up to date. This is Emily's facial representation of my brain

(Really it's her new favorite silly face to make. She's really practiced it well in the mirror, great eye crossing! )

I was relieved to find out Monday that my progesterone, estrogen, vitamin D and Iron are very low again. YES! I know I'm crazy, but now I have a reason for the recent hostile takeover!

So I'm back on progesterone. 100mg, at bedtime, and it's freshly compounded (not synthetic or old from a normal pharmacy). I thought I was free of it, that I was healthy enough to trust my body to make it's own hormones. Guess not. Not yet, anyway.

And now I wait. As my shrink says, just let momentum happen right now. The days will go by, and I will slowly, slowly get my brain back. My family waits. Especially my husband, who is the only one I share all my thoughts with. Of course, he's the only one in bed with me at 1am to listen to those thoughts. Nighttime is the worst. The scriptures about Christ as the light of the world are more meaningful to me now. Now, as the northwest has the long, dark days and nights. Now as my brain tries to function on bad blood and bad food (i know, i know, I'm going to try to eat more than chocolate all day and a normal dinner).

I try to pass the time well...like posting, reading, doing paperwork to get insurance and FSA to pay us for doctor stuff. Oh, and shopping. I finally went to the local thrift store and got some jeans. My size 12-14 jeans can slip off. I was thrilled to fit comfortably into a size 10. I haven't been a size 10 since....I was in my first trimester with Alex. The size 6-8 I was when I got married/graduated will never return. But I can be happy with a 10. As long as it lasts. 144. Wow. I haven't seen that number on the scale this decade. That's only 15 pounds heavier that the day I got married. That's less than I wrote on my drivers license, which I lied on.

It would be more glorious if so much pain wasn't involved in getting there. Diet vs pain???? Hmmmm, pain has pain killers. Diet and hunger, been there, done that....I think I'll take the pain. And the skinny.

Ignore the tired face...trying on the new top with blue skirt....

This photo is a top that I ended up returning. LOVED IT, but it fit perfectly, and it had never been washed (100% cotton) and I don't want to be upset when I gain some weight and can't fit it. Or worse, wear it when I gain weight and I really shouldn't wear it.

Grant was putting the kids to bed, so I took this one....size 10 jeans! with top I returned...so said. I loved the pattern!

NON MEDICAL ENDING

PS....if anyone can get Grandma Spencer to read this...Here is where I installed the artwork I was so privileged to acquire at her estate sale. Right over my piano. The same piano that I FINALLY cleaned off last week. It was covered with a decade of home videos (now mostly converted to DVD) and 5 years of tax documents from our FINALLY finished Audit. Yep, nothing like an IRS audit, delivered two weeks before your fourth pregnancy from HELL was to end. Oh wait, since it was such a horrible pregnancy, nothing like at IRS audit to finish off 40 horrible weeks with a bang. Baby Mark (Who was born a week late on top of it) was crawling before we got the paperwork error (their part) fixed. And now with Mark almost walking, we've finally put away the paperwork. Ahh.....pretty photo, clean house, happy kids....

Do you remember what to notice in the above photo?

Brass Artwork

Clean piano

LACK of tax papers and VCR tapes

Organized music

Finished Christmas tree

Fruit loop tree garland craft project that Grant planned, bought and executed alone

Gate that we only bought for baby 4 to protect tree

Katelyn with a Clementine orange sticker on her head from breakfast. So Bollywood

Oh, and also Grandma Spencer's couch that is slightly younger than me. And still in great shape. But that's another post for another day...and I've already rambled long enough on this one.....besides, IT'S TANNING DAY!

TTT, tail of the toliet paper and the tooth

Dear Children,

Two of you are potty trained. And you have been for many years. You are 9 and 7 years old.
After you use the bathroom, toilet paper is commonly used.
Imagine my surprise when I used your bathroom (also the only guest bathroom) and I found this....


Sorry it's on it's side, the computer won't take my fix. Just tilt your head, children. Do you see it? Do you? Nope, it's not the open toilet lid (Mark can crawl now, shut it!) And it's not the fact that neither of you have flushed. Look at the handy, built in toilet paper roll holder. Yes, toilet paper is so commonly used that EVERY modern bathroom has one. Look closely at ours. Do you notice that it is brown children? That is the sign that their is no more toilet paper. It's very clever that the paper manufacturers make the roll a different color. It's easy to tell when one takes the last of the toilet paper.
BROWN ROLL=PUT ON NEW ROLL.

Neither of you will fess up to being the last one. But I heard you both use the bathroom before you went to bed tonight. After I got you to bed, I had to use your bathroom. UGGG, was I frustrated to find an open, used toilet. AND NO TOILET PAPER. So I open the bathroom cabinet. Did you know we have one? It's right under the sink. And it had about 10 rolls of toilet paper. And something else, a surprise that popped out at me....

DEAR, Dear, dear children....this is NOT the way to clean up one of the babies toilet paper messes. This is not a way to hide your playtime with a roll. Your mother is very tired lately. I did not clean it up. I felt bad for any guests who might use our bathroom, so I did put on a new roll of toilet paper....


Look how nice and neat that looks! All ready to use! But children, am I done yet? Nope! I still need to do something, can you guess what? Think hard.....

YES! Throw away the old, empty roll. This is trash, or even can be recycled. It's not a trumpet. It's not a toy. It is not a soccer ball. It is not even a carpet, which I must remind you since I usually find it on the floor.

I thought the story would end there. But as I wrote this post, Emily yelled out. "My tooth! It's really wiggly. Really,really wiggly." You Dad, Grant, was with me. I was resting my tired back at the end of a long day. "It's your turn, you help her. She's had that wiggly tooth for months. She's too freaked out to actually let it go." It's true, if you look closely at the family photos, the tooth on the right of her front teeth actually sticks straight out. This is due to being wiggled lose, then not finished off. As Grant goes to help Emily, these dreaded words are heard, "Hurry, I taste blood!". Your dad comes back to me. He doesn't do blood. He doesn't even talk about blood. He can't look at my arm for days after a blood draw. He can't do teeth, because of the blood. I've always helped with each tooth, even the last bloody pull if I needed it. And we couldn't show Daddy the tooth, because he would feel faint.

But today, mommy was finally resting. So I told Dad to be a Dad (or Man) and do something quick before you got blood on your sheets and blanket. BLANKET! She's got the $300 PTA class auction blanket on her bed. GO, GRANT, GO! So he grabbed a chunk of the fluffy toilet paper under the sink. He handed it to Emily and left the room. Look, he didn't faint!

During all this discussion from our bedroom, Emily's tooth finally came out. She successfully collected all the blood on the toilet paper ball. No children, I didn't take a photo of that. I didn't' want your Dad to refuse to read the blog because of the possibility of blood. So here is thrilled Emily with her lost tooth #8

Exciting, exciting! Of course, this means getting the tooth fairy kit out and texting the tooth fairy to bring 50 cents.....

Next morning, the tooth fairy "dropped" the tooth bag while Emily was woken up for school. Emily couldn't find the bag in bed. Mommy ran away while the kids ate breakfast. Then she helped Emily look. Emily found that the bag had dropped into the clothes hamper next to the bed. Wow, the tooth fairy must have visited us last. She left a quarter, a dime, five pennies and one dime looking thing. Oops, it was a Korean coin. (Have I mentioned yet that Dad served his mission in Korea?) . Emily was thrilled to think that some Korean kid got her American dime while she had his Korean one.

And that my children, is why we replace the toilet paper roll all the time. And don't play with you never know when you might need some toilet paper!

Love,

Your mom

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone....

Ahh, Sun! So bright, So warm...warmer...hot...my face is really hot! Um, I think my lips are burning.

Don't I wish this was my tale about my mini-vaycay (mini-vacation to those of you who don't read seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com . Nope. No sunny beaches. No sun even this weekend. That's part of life in the winter in the Northwest.

Another part of winter in the Northwest in low levels of Vitamin D. It's a chronic problem that western medicine is finally doing enough papers to get people's attention. When Alex was born, 9 years ago, in the winter, they asked if he nursed or breastfed. When Mark, my February Baby, had his last wellchild visit, they asked what we fed him and if we had started supplementing him yet. Yep, adding drops of Vitamin D to his bottle. It's so common, that even our tiny supermarket pharmacy has six different kinds, three different brands of vitamin D.

My personal doctor is ahead of the curve. She's been watching my vitamin D since my first pregnancy. supplements are great, when you actually absorb them. I'm not. So lucky me (this time not sarcastic, really lucky me) I get to tan!

I have doctors orders to tan twice a week to bring my levels up. It's such a hardship to leave the screaming children and the rain (yes, Sarah, I know...if I only brought them out of the rain, they wouldn't scream.) But I will suffer, nay I will sacrifice for the good of my health. (there is the sarcasm, or is it the martyrdom?)

For those of you who haven't ever tanned (not that I'm judging those who actually want their skin darker)...you know how awesome you feel after it. I use a super high bed and get 22 blissful moments of sun. After I feel like I had a light massage and/or had laid on a relaxing beach on a perfect day and/or have been served a great cocktail while I lounged by the pool. Ahhh, bliss.

If any of you have moved from anywhere sunny to Seattle, especially in your first winter, GO TAN!!!! It will be just like normal life (sun damage wise) as a week in Denver. And the tanning high lasts for days. So now, as it is dark and rainy, I don't mind. My lips are burned,my skin is dry, and my mood is bright. :) Of course, the lips would be fine if I would remember any lip balm, and my skin breaks out at the tanning lotions that keep you from getting dry...my that's my bad. My mood makes up for it all.

Sorry, no photos....the photo button doesn't work right now, and I've got dinner and FHE to attend tonight. No more bedblogging for me! Now I'll go and have another Pina colada.....

What good could come of this

It's past midnight as I write this.

Crying.

Laying in bed, next to a very tired husband.

Pain.

Will it ever end ?

What am I doing wrong?

Or am I doing the right things, but I'm graced with pain for this life.

I wish I could have in interview with God tonight. I would ask for strength to get thru this. I would ask if I was doing the right or wrong things....especially pain killers. Yes, I have no name for my poor health. But I have no reason to have such bad pain. My intuition tells me that if I did the right tests or saw the right specialists I would be diagnosed with an auto-immune disease...RA, MS, Fibromyalgia or Lupus. I already have Hashimotos autoimmune thyroid and an autoimmune ovarian condition that causes me to stop producing hormones at times. Once you have one autoimmune condition, your chances of developing another one are very high.

But right now, my bad health can be counted on to flair up after child birth. My extended family will probably cheer when they read that my docs say no more babies. One says she'll quit if I get pregnant again. Another one says I'll never recover again and need replacement hormones THE REST of my life.

But none of that matters right now, as I lay in bed tonight, crying and so uncertain for the future. Grant wants me to stop and think of what good this time will bring. So I'm using a tiny PDA to tap out my feelings.

WHAT GOOD COULD COME OF THIS
1. We're helping the economy my paying for extra in home workers
2.I'm keeping my husband from being a workaholic.
3. We are closer together to a unified view of our oldests son's issues and more unified on the solution to them.
4. My prioritization skills are much better than they used to be.
5. Because of the above our marriage is stronger since i no longer drive Grant crazy with my important tasks that he sees as fluff no one will notice.
6. We've stopped waiting for tomorrow or a better time to have dinner guests and play dates. We've had more people over since I've been sick that in all the healthy years past. Friends are another great narcotic to me!
7. I'm staying more current with computer trends...even though its blogspot and not windows live (much to Grant's dismay)
8. The content of my next meal finally isn't the center of my world.
9. I'm aware of different things about my kids than if i had been the typical housewife.
10. I can handle more pain than i imagined and still be thrilled by e baby's small emotions and a big kids art project or finished book or playground squabble.
11. I can still go fun places with my kids and experience new things together. It's just thru the Internet and youtube videos instead of zoo trips and sack lunches
12. 7 and 9 year olds can do laundry. They can sort it by reading tags and they can move it from was to dryer to basket to drawers.
13. I'm becoming more like my personal heroes. Clair Wood, Deb Whitmore, Ann e K, Holly Overbaugh, Tammy Risenmay to name a few. I really wish I could be like them without pain of this intensity and duration. But that is what built them.

There are so many fears i have that won't do good to dwell on. But they are dark and huge and so real. They would seem so powerful that death would be a welcomed exchange. I fear so much doing the wrong and making this worse than it needs to be. Even now I write for the world instead of praying for peace. I do talk with God....but its more in a begging form of surrender than a reverent prayer.

Ahh...peace...the meds have hit my blood and I'm getting relief and sleep is near. I don't care how I got here anymore. I'll let the doctors worry instead. At least for tonight.

Aunt Ely's doing great, no one want's me to be mom again

My kids are sick of hearing my voice.....
I did homeworkd with them for the first time since school started. IT was just as bad as normal. Being ignored. Being told I don't know what I'm talking about.
FHE would have been a problem, since I normally give the lesson. Grant just doesn't do lessons. The kids sometimes try. But it's hard to feel the spirit when they are trying to explain some complex gospel principle with a barbie car, a stuffed animal and some other plastic toy.

Tonight our guest, my sister in Law, Ely, gave the lesson. It was the packet we got a few years ago from church, the symbles of christmas. SHE ROCKED giving the lesson. THe kids did great. And they were really listening. I wonder if it was her accent. She just came from Chili this summer to marry my little brother.

Now Ely is watching spanish TV on the internet. Everytime she laughs, Mark laughs. It's so funny to hear.

But I"m in pain today. All over. Everything but my hair hurts. And I can't stay awake. Even giving the kids spelling words, I fell asleep after Alex's second word. Is this just my low iron? Am I catching up? Why do I hurt? Will I alway hurt?

Oh a very bright side, I ate red meat (hamburger) TWICE and didn't get sick! Yes!!!!!