I opened my web browser to find some fluff to read. I was looking for something to detract me from pain. I had intended to read others blogs, not have to work at a faith based reading. Scriptures and church magazines/posts are hard work. I had intended to mindlessly pass more minutes, maybe an hour, as I wait to feel better. Lots of work, and lots of waiting have started to pay off. I can say I am feeling better. Only 10%-20%, but that is something! remember, the point is that I have a lot of time I need to rest, to pass painful minutes on my path, and I like fluffy blogs. But when I opened my web browser, I found it opened to LDS.org, where I had previously searched for a relative. It was still open, and I scrolled around, impressed that its looking more formal and intriguing. I saw a link with a title that caught my eye. Pain.
While I read it, I felt a warm peace. I finally am seeing results of my patience. I saw words that I had said to one of my therapists. I had said that I've lost my faith that I can get better. I've learned over the years to not panic at pain flare ups and painful days. They always pass. I always come back to calmer days. I eventual get a medical clean sweep, a start to rebuild and attack my life. But this latest disk/Lyme/complicated pain has me emotionally crushed. I used to emotionally sit back with a curious faith, wondering how God was going to make this better. Crossing paths with the right new person, remembering a medical advice, tweaking exercise or supplements/meds. Whatever it is, it always comes back. However, this leg pain that goes from nothing when I lay down to a slicing pain that I can't push another step, has sucked my soul. I don't think ill get better. I think possible complications from surgery aren't worth the possibility of unlimited walking. And previous to this week, it felt like I was doing so much work with little improvement. An I was NOT doing a lot of work. I wasn't picking up the house. I wasn't bending to load my own dish in the dish washer. I wasn't wedding ny beautiful garden. And I still wasn't getting better. So you can see why my hope was fading for a return of pain free walking.
This debilitating pain makes walking each step increasingly painful, building with each step. At some point, my leg feels like I was sliced open and filled with concrete. At that point, I stop. I lean on a wall. Corner edges are my fave, pressing right in the spine. Ahhh, I love a good, firm wall edge to push into my spine. Or an electric cart, those have given me so much freedom to shop! As a coinsure of such things, Costco has my favorites. They can turn on a dime, and have decent speed. Or a floor. A glorious, clean, floor. Or couch. Or bench. They always make me feel better. Wait, how did I get on this?
Oh yes, looking for fluff, I've lost my faith that I'll get better. And I ran into an article that touched me. (see link below)
My fav lines
Eventually, I found the peace I needed in James 1. Joseph Smith found his answer in verse 5—mine was in verses 2–4:
"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations [the Joseph Smith Translation changes "divers temptations" to "many afflictions"];
"Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
"But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."
As I read those verses, I can't say that I was suddenly able to "count it all joy" that I was sick, but I did learn some things that helped me feel less miserable about my situation."
"The fact that I hadn't been immediately healed didn't mean that I didn't have faith, and it didn't mean the Lord didn't care about my situation—quite the opposite, actually. The Lord cared enough to test my faith by not healing me right away so that I could develop patience."
"Elder Maxwell taught: "Patience is not indifference. Actually, it means caring very much but being willing, nevertheless, to submit to the Lord and to what the scriptures call the 'process of time.'"
"Elder Maxwell also taught: "Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe, rather than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance. Put another way, too much anxious opening of the oven door and the cake falls instead of rising. So it is with us"
https://www.lds.org/liahona/2015/08/young-adults/patience-more-than-waiting?cid=HP_MO_8-10-2015_dPTH_fLHNA_xLIDyL2-4_&lang=eng
Wish I had a nice ending...but im stuck waiting too, waiting for the end of this problem, so I can tie it up I a new paragraph at some.distant year.
(PS, photo is of kids, fighting for who got to shower first this evening. Seemed appropriate. )
(PPS, realized that they might be embarrassed some day, I took it off)
-o
While I read it, I felt a warm peace. I finally am seeing results of my patience. I saw words that I had said to one of my therapists. I had said that I've lost my faith that I can get better. I've learned over the years to not panic at pain flare ups and painful days. They always pass. I always come back to calmer days. I eventual get a medical clean sweep, a start to rebuild and attack my life. But this latest disk/Lyme/complicated pain has me emotionally crushed. I used to emotionally sit back with a curious faith, wondering how God was going to make this better. Crossing paths with the right new person, remembering a medical advice, tweaking exercise or supplements/meds. Whatever it is, it always comes back. However, this leg pain that goes from nothing when I lay down to a slicing pain that I can't push another step, has sucked my soul. I don't think ill get better. I think possible complications from surgery aren't worth the possibility of unlimited walking. And previous to this week, it felt like I was doing so much work with little improvement. An I was NOT doing a lot of work. I wasn't picking up the house. I wasn't bending to load my own dish in the dish washer. I wasn't wedding ny beautiful garden. And I still wasn't getting better. So you can see why my hope was fading for a return of pain free walking.
This debilitating pain makes walking each step increasingly painful, building with each step. At some point, my leg feels like I was sliced open and filled with concrete. At that point, I stop. I lean on a wall. Corner edges are my fave, pressing right in the spine. Ahhh, I love a good, firm wall edge to push into my spine. Or an electric cart, those have given me so much freedom to shop! As a coinsure of such things, Costco has my favorites. They can turn on a dime, and have decent speed. Or a floor. A glorious, clean, floor. Or couch. Or bench. They always make me feel better. Wait, how did I get on this?
Oh yes, looking for fluff, I've lost my faith that I'll get better. And I ran into an article that touched me. (see link below)
My fav lines
Eventually, I found the peace I needed in James 1. Joseph Smith found his answer in verse 5—mine was in verses 2–4:
"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations [the Joseph Smith Translation changes "divers temptations" to "many afflictions"];
"Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
"But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."
As I read those verses, I can't say that I was suddenly able to "count it all joy" that I was sick, but I did learn some things that helped me feel less miserable about my situation."
"The fact that I hadn't been immediately healed didn't mean that I didn't have faith, and it didn't mean the Lord didn't care about my situation—quite the opposite, actually. The Lord cared enough to test my faith by not healing me right away so that I could develop patience."
"Elder Maxwell taught: "Patience is not indifference. Actually, it means caring very much but being willing, nevertheless, to submit to the Lord and to what the scriptures call the 'process of time.'"
"Elder Maxwell also taught: "Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe, rather than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance. Put another way, too much anxious opening of the oven door and the cake falls instead of rising. So it is with us"
https://www.lds.org/liahona/2015/08/young-adults/patience-more-than-waiting?cid=HP_MO_8-10-2015_dPTH_fLHNA_xLIDyL2-4_&lang=eng
Wish I had a nice ending...but im stuck waiting too, waiting for the end of this problem, so I can tie it up I a new paragraph at some.distant year.
(PS, photo is of kids, fighting for who got to shower first this evening. Seemed appropriate. )
(PPS, realized that they might be embarrassed some day, I took it off)
-o
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