If you see me out walking, don't think I'm fine...

...because I'm not.

I'm working to make my muscles strong enough to compensate for the floppy tendons which are causing me pain. Another side effect of low collegen. The doctors are hopeful that this painful work will lead to less painful days ahead. I must have a bit of hope left in me, because I am walking. When I think about it, these days(years) I'm never lonely, because I have pain as my walking buddy.

If you see me walking and wearing nice clothes, don't say, "you look good (and/or) you must be feeling better"

I'm not.

Screw looking good. If I am wearing nice clothes, really the only assumption you should make is that I put on nice clothes that day. One thing that isn't broken is my desire to be pretty. My clothing choices are independent of my health. I really love some of my new clothes. Except for the necessary old lady pants, with the damn elastic waist bands. Old lady or toddler pants, they are equally degrading. So looking good one day is not a sign of no pain. Looking worse, however, is a sign of more pain.

Pain I write this as I walk. In the rain. The rain is getting heavy, but I'm now getting hot under this hood. ...ah! I look up to stretch my neck and my face covered in rain. Feels like tears. Which reminds me of how hard I cried for over a month after my last surgery. Stina, have I told you thanks yet this week? Thanks for borrowing 2 cars, and driving all night from Utah (12 hours) to be by my side. After that time after number 5. I really thought I would never make it through.

But I digress again, please don't ask me how I'm feeling or if I'm fine, because I don't have an answer. The thoughts are big and it take much energy to give the interviewer a question that will satisfy. If I give a positive one, I worry that it gives the idea that missed times of past kindness are okay, because I'm turned out fine. If I give a negative answer, I later feel judged as a complaining whiner.

So can you ask how I am? The best answer I can give is I'll bring it up if I want to talk about it.

I really don't want to appear rude. But it hurts me to be asked and to figure out what you really mean. Hello, or a recap of the week.

So if you see me walking around, don't ask THE question, and it really is meant as a question, "you must be feeling good".

Instead say, "it's good to are you walking".

I know the answer to that one.

THANKS




Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone