Being the mom: Kate’s STD

Hahaha, Kate doesn’t have a STD.  She does have ST, Speech therapy, today.  My error made me laugh, so I kept it.   And I think it will pull in more readers. 

Yesterday is another full post.  Today will be long enough.

No help today! Nanny Julie is sick still.  :(  (where her car is always parked)

Time for Speech Therapy in Woodinville, climb in! 

(Mark, Kate, Emily…Alex went to work with Grant, Phew!)

Mommy’s at the wheel.  y.  e.  a.   h. 

We made it safely!  Kate jumps out with excitement. 

Push open the door to Children’s Therapy of Woodinville

No shoes allowed in the therapy area, Kate’s so fast she’s a blur!

Now we wait for “Teacher Beth” her ST.  Do we (1) plays with toys today?

Or (2) read books with Mom?

Or our favorite fun, (3) jump up and down on moms legs, trying to be the first to pull on to her lap.   LOOK AT ME MOM! Hold me for 4.7 seconds Mom!  It’s a great workout for all of us. 

It’s our turn!  Teacher Beth and Kate.  You can see how much they like each other.  We are blessed to have her help!

 

Going to the therapy area, bye Katelyn!

Now Mommy writes this blog.   Emily and Mark hang out in the lobby for 45 minutes.  They rotate with activites 1,2,3 and 4.  What is 4?  Trash the waiting room. 

This gets us to 11am on a day without Nanny.    I highly doubt I will blog about it.  Then again, taking photos to journal this difficult chance-to-be-a-mom day may keep all of us alive. 

Note from Teacher Beth, this is Katelyn’s favorite game.  Must find one for home!

A.L.I.V.E?

I realized it's been a long time (for me) since I updated.
Am I alive? I ponder than question myself.

A: Angry. A lot of anger. A drug interaction hopefully. If not, I need new family. This one will throw me out soon. Alex chopped off the top of his finger, fracturing it at the same time. No rough playing, no bikes, no writing (it was his RIGHT HAND), no NEW PIANO LESSONS (finally got to the top of the list) NO! For two weeks. Poor Alex. (Gross: it was to the bone, and all his finger nail, and I get to clean it and do something with gauze so gross, I won't write it)


L: Love. Only towards ice cream. And Mark. Oh, I love Mark. As a boy, then a man, I don't think he'll ever know how much I gave up because of him. I didn't know at the time of conception that my health would...what has my health done? I didn't know at the time of conception that I would never have a pain free day again. 2 years and counting. But, oh I love ice cream! Vanilla, two scoops (costco only) on one of the 200 ice cream cones we have. Loestra...damn you! I'm on birth control (Loestra) to stop having periods, to stop one stoppable reason for pain. I also stopped being skinny. I will never blame ice cream.

I: I am an invalid. In some ways, on more day, I exchange invalid for motherhood. I also find that my schedule for sleep and activity is loosening the grip of invalid. In valid. In a week, it is time for the first day of school!

V: vain. I'm becoming vain about my weight gain. Which proves I was more vain about my weight loss than I thought. Vain enough that I'm back on a diet. Vucky.

E: Eh. I'm tired of thinking of letters. And it's time to be asleep. "A" is a much easier letter to write about. No wait! Eternal Families! We just finished FHE where we read a paragraph a week. It's taken months. But we finished. So I took pictures. And made a sepia colored collage. And yesterday, Our family and Joe wrote words from the proclamation that were meaningful to us. I helped both Alex and Kate. Someday, if this anger fades, and pain returns me to bed, I'll get to show you the photos and stuff.

then FIRE was poured!

The Melting Pot.  4 course meal.  3 hours of  gastronomical pleasure

What a romantic setting

To celebrate 11 years

especially when you hated the last one.  (can you see my pillow on the left side of the photo?  Gold today, to match the sequins on my dress)

Grateful that Grant has held us together.   (Thanks Honey!)

 

(Bellevue Melting Pot, we had the Turtle Flambé for our last course)

Bet you wish you had a bedroom drawer like mine.

I’ve been craving these again.  I even ran out to stock up for the weekend.  Literally, ran to the car 30 minutes before the nanny clocked out.  You know, I need my rewards for those two days I act more like a parent.  The Weekend

I went to put them in their normal place.  My top dresser drawer.  Even the kids know that’s where mommy hides her treats.  And my knife.    I was in a hurry to move them from the grocery bags in the kitchen to my room.  The kids were busy with laundry/movie, so I could avoid tasting requests.  I opened my drawer, and  it hit me that I was really helping my new meds cause weight gain.  There was no room!

So I cleaned up: an empty Krispy Rice Chocolate Bar, Gluten Free Chocolate Chip cookies,  a half eaten solid Easter bunny, Yellow bags that held chocolate coins (And lots of little  gold foil that you can’t see,) an empty bag of Rolos, an empty Ritter Sport chocolate dipped cookie bar, 1/5 of an organic Butter Toffee Crunch bar (it was nasty, but desperation led me so slowly eat that much) ; and a nearly empty bag of M&M’s.  There is also a nearly full bag of blueberry pomegranate nut clusters.  Nuts are my attempt to eat something besides chocolate and pretzels. 

I thought I was done.  As I put in today’s Yogurt Dipped Pretzels , I found more:   Bubble Gum, the lid to Costco chocolate covered almonds, with a few stowaways.  Another attempt at health, and unopened Clif bar.  Sweet Tarts from my 9th Anniversary.  (I don’t like them, they are bribes for cub scout goal time.   Some of the Hard candy from stockings of Christmas ‘08.

Then I found another attempt at “Healthy”.  These cashews were covered in enough sugar and coconut, that the bag is nearly flat.   Note, this is another Costco find, and it’s Costco sized. 

Done, right?  Nope!  As I moved my cell phone box aside, I found more.  I also found my self cursing that I went back for a second bag of pretzels. 

Mmmm, I remember this one!  It was really good.  Just Swiss enough to enjoy.  Just dark enough to stop at one square.  The only reason it survived this long is because it slipped behind that cell phone box.  

Of course, my newly acquired ten pounds got something more than a workout to the trash can.  Gold at the end of the Rainbow of Wrappers:

Sweet!  Two lost Rolos! 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear the kids screaming.  It will take at least 8 pretzels hiding in my bathrobe pocket to get thru bedtime.  I’ve got to open a bag and put on a robe before I hear, “MOOOOOOOMMMM!”

I look bad enough for 911? (after nap)

33 minutes till nap time….GO!

The new sleep plan is working.  I’m adjusting well to it, and usually get up before the clock. 

I’ve been more focused with my time in the morning, since I know that I have so little of it.  So far this week I’ve

• sorted then watched Nanny Julie label school supplies
• used duct tape to fix last years backpacks (kids dragging for one year does not create a NEED for a new backpack every year)
• sorted thru 3 full bins of school papers.  Thrown away a box of paper (into the recycling bin, of course)
• Sighed as I looked at three empty bins, ready to be filled in a few weeks with new schedules and rules and work
• Filed a monster pile of paid bills.   Grant pays, I file.  It’s been 6 months on my part.  Good thing I don’t pay or we’d have no lights. 
• Started 2 letters of stuff that I’ve found better homes for. (old, cute school papers to Grandparents, forgotten notebook to sister)
• Gone to Costco to fix these

• ended up getting a whole cart of stuff that I remembered we needed.  

I must have looked tired at the checkout, because an employee came and emptied my cart.  I didn’t even try to help.  Then after I signed my life away for the groceries, I met….um…lets call him Burt.   “Burt here will help you to your car,”  I was TOLD, not asked.  Again, I was grateful for the help, since my pain was building.  Burt asked if I would sit and he’d get me some water first.   I protested.  Mainly because I didn’t want my ice cream to melt.   Part of me was just embarrassed and wanted to drive home FAST.

Burt took me to my car, half way to the far lot.  We talked, he told be about his  mother.  I told him about my last 2 years.  Burt continued to look worried.   I opened up the car to fill with the groceries, then turned to help.  Burt confidently told me he could do it.  He asked me to sit in the car, relax, open all the windows (it was a cloudy day, but sure), and take deep breaths. 

While Burt unloaded my cart, I kept glancing in the mirror.  I must have looked worse that I thought.  I know I felt horrible.  I hadn’t done a lone Costco trip in…a long time.   It hadn’t even been 3 weeks since surgery either.   But the girl in the mirror didn’t look that bad. 

Sitting felt good, so did the water from my car’s cup holder.  Burt finished, shut the doors, and came to my drivers window. 

“Is there someone I can call?  How close do you live?  You’ve got some color in your cheeks, but you still don’t look so good.  You shouldn’t be in such a hurry to get back to life, rest from the surgery.  Take time to heal.  Can I call your husband?  How far do you have to drive?  Do you feel faint?  I would feel better if we called someone.”

Every question, I said, I’m fine, no, I’m fine.  I was SO EMBARRASSED and wanted to get my ice cream home.  After I refused to call someone to drive me home, he switched tactics.

“Lets get you checked out, I would feel better if someone checked you out.  It won’t take long to get your blood pressure checked, and make sure you’re okay to drive.  Better safe than sorry.   You looked like you might faint as we walked to the car, and I don’t want you to faint while driving.  Really, it’s not a big deal to make sure you are okay, and we can get you checked out.”

Oh, I got it.   Since I wouldn’t call Grant, he wanted to call these guys:

 

Oh.  Now my color REALLY came back.  I was not going to have 911 called and get a pointless check out, and perhaps not get to drive myself home, not get to open up a yummy Danish, and put some friend out, and have my ice cream melt. 

Burt kept insisting.  I finally said, I’m fine, I just want to go, can I go yet?   I said it three times.  He continued to ask two times.  Then he moved.  And I left. 

My ice cream didn’t met.

My ego was bruised. 

It really freaked me out.  To have my health questioned like that, to stand out in a non-medical place………..sucked.  I hate being sick.  I hate STILL being sick.  Not sick, just, not healthy.

And I really did hurt my body.  90 minutes in Costco, the big carts, walking all over….TOO MUCH!!!   And this morning is reminded me that it did not like Costco.  

Or Bert.  Or Ambulances.

Now, I will nap.  My 33 minutes are up.  maybe when I wake up I’ll show you a photo of Alex’s 2nd glasses of the year, which led to my visit to buy a 3rd frame. 

To Sarah: 

Yes, I’m driving!

My mind has been very clear since before the last surgery, so I would drive if not on pain meds.  Then after visiting with pain med doctor, I felt confident from German research and time and experimenting with Grant to drive.  Pain keeps me close to home.   That doesn’t bother me as much as before…before when I had to schedule doctor appointments and rides to and from them.  Talk about stretching friendship.  Thank you for the rides, Tammy R, Tina P, Sarah L, Amy B, Diane D,  hmmm…and you if I forgot you!

I wish I could say it was “school prep”

Grant and I have gotten lazy this summer.  We hear the kids in the morning.  But we both sleep in.  It’s an unspoken game of chicken…who will get up first.  Sometimes we yell out for an older child to fix a siblings bottle or diaper.  And we sleep on. 

For some reason, this lack of our parenting is frustrating the nanny.  She doesn’t like arriving in the morning to 4 grumpy, hungry kids and 2 leaking diapers. 

Grant has also been frustrated, for different reasons.  He doesn’t like how much time I spend in bed.  Because of pain, for sure.  But sleeping all day just delays the problem.    So he set up a schedule, which also happened to help me get more consistent on the pain related meds. 

“7 am!  I have to get up at 7am!  You are crazy!”  I yelled said.

“Rachel, that still gives you plenty of sleep.  If you are having a bad pain day, I am fine with you moving to the couch.  I am not implying that you are expected to be a full parent at 7am.” Grant calmly replied.

For some reason, this was not enough.  “Well, Mr... Read-a-book-until-3-am-in-bed, If I am going to suffer with 7am, I am not doing it alone.   I will only agree to try this if you are out of bed at 7am too.  And in bed at 10pm too.  WITH NO BOOKS,” I said bitterly constructively.

Grant, a man who would do well to wake up at 10 am, and still not speak to anyone for an hour….agreed.  Wow.  He must have really wanted me to…to get better.   He must have really loved me to agree to keep this schedule with me. 

Here it is…the schedule.  It makes me cackle smile inside to see his name too.

Rachel & Grant's Daily Schedule (8/8-8/22)

7 am  Get out of bed; Aciphex; Naturopathic meds

8 am Breakfast

8:35  Walk Grant to bus

9 am Lyrica

10 am Pill O*

12pm-noon Lamictal*/lunch/Vitamin C/Naturopathic

1pm Nap No matter what, not even doc appointments

4 pm Pill O, (If I’m awake)

4:30 Get out of bed (Grant set the second alarm clock to be sure of this)

5:30 Be part of family (read: get out of cave-of-a-bedroom)

6 pm Dinner

7:30 Kids Bedtime; Benadryl/Progesterone/Naturopathic

9pm Pill O/Lyrica/Loestra*

10pm Bedtime

*New meds as part of my new pain management plan.  I am ecstatically cautiously hopeful.

well…you can judge for yourself how this goes by reading the next few posts. 

Thank you “Girls and Boys”

Dear Ingrid Michaelson,

Thank you for your music.  The girls in our family love your CD "Girls and Boys".   I'm embarrassed that it took me so long to find your website.   http://www.ingridmichaelson.com (so complex, I know!) YOU HAVE SO MANY MORE CD'S!!!  And your jukebox, COOL!  I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve heard the song “Maybe” so many times.  I had no idea it was you!!!  So sorry, I promise to be a better fan.

When i first heard you sing "The Way I am", it was on...Ellen?  You were newly nationally discovered.  I was laying on the couch, with pain that I assumed would end with my 4th pregnancy.  I fell in love with the song.  I made my TiVo repeat your performance again and again.  I love it, I cried, I connected.   On my next trip out of the house (rare due to pain) I got your CD.   If you knew how few CD’s I owned, you would be honored.  

My now 8 year old daughter loves "Overboard".  She sings it with such gusto and love and drama.  I think it's just the lines about, "I could write my name by the age of 3; and I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me, I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes...."   She likes those growing older feelings.  But I really hope I have a decade before she really falls "overboard" for some guy. 

Oh, and I love, "The Hat"  and love "I want to tell you, that you were my first love".   Yes I've been married for 10 years, but that first love, that first crush, that first mutual falling in love sure marks the heart. 

Marks the heart...Mark...My baby Mark.  His birth song is "The way I am".   If I was healthier, i would have held him and danced every time I heard that song, the way I did my other kids birth songs.  I chose this song because I really wanted the baby to love me, "The way I am", knowing that I would plunge into post partum depression after his birth, and not come out for a year.  I had no idea that my whole body would break.   I was overwhelmed how that broke my mind also.   

I still had no idea that as I hear him run around at 17 months, chanting, "too, too" (like a train) I would not be able to pick him up.  That I would have 5 surgeries since his birth to put me back together.  And that the doctors would finally say, sorry, this is all we can do.  You will be in pain the rest of your life. 

So the words make even more deep binding from my heart to his.  I really hope he can take me the way I am.  The way his first year was.  The way that he was my first one to do so many firsts for a nanny.  Not me.  The way that I wasn't able to hold him for....(pause, doing math)   7 1/2 months of his life.  That he would reach for me, climb up to me, but I had to push him away. 

I had to push him away.  

I don’t expect that most of you will understand why I cry when I write that.  I wanted with every fiber of my heart to be close to him, to comfort him.  Yet I knew if I lifted him, I would break the doctor’s careful work.   So we both cried when I had to push him away.  And away.  And away.

I've never been so glad for the forgetfulness of childhood before.  Even though he won't consciously remember this time, I know it will be part of him...part of us.  

He is growing older.  His sisters are growing older.  His big brother is nearing the 10th year since he turned me into a mom.    All of them have missed me, have learned to handle me like glass.  Have learned to be extra grateful when I'm strong enough to dance in the kitchen with them again to their songs.    Dancing in the kitchen is a joy that I know will come and go, depending on the day...for the rest of my life. 

I am broken.  I am not the same mom I wanted to be.  I am not the same mom I intended to be as I learned my limitations with each new birth.  Now that no new babies will bless this house, I am learning how to be a "laying down mom".  Learning how to play, how to teach, how to love them from an inclined position.  The goal now is to work with my pain management doctors and figure out how to work with this new body.   How to redefine mom.  Soon, I hope my mind can also redefine broken.  That someday (I really hope soon) that I will be okay

Dear Reader,   I really hope you check out the links to her songs.  I took much time to find just the right ones, just the right sound, just perfect to share.

If you do nothing else, listen/watch “Be Okay”.   My new favorite, and so perfect for this moment.

Alex’s birth song, the beginning of the birth song

Alex…my first born.  Even though I was a first time mom, I knew that this time would pass me by so fast.  Infancy, babies, childhood…then college and marriage. 

I had back surgery when I was 18.  Shouldn’t be related to the birth of my first born.  But it is.  The surgery was very scary, and I was too young to be my own advocate.  During a Lamaze breathing class, I was writhing in pain while the rest of the moms were half asleep.  “Maybe you need a therapist, someone extra to help you since you obviously have more pain issues then then most moms,”  The older class teacher said.

I ended up with some ignorant therapist, who had never been a mom, who had never been in pain.  “Think of a song with a good even tempo, then use that song to leave the pain”.   The song came easy.  Brand new that year.  Played everywhere.  This was before youtube and itunes.   I actually listened to the radio for music.  CD’s were too expensive.   I did buy the CD. 

This song started my tradition of “birth songs”.   I don’t remember if music was played during your birth.  I do remember watching a movie or two.  I started pushing while our wedding luncheon video was on.  Two hours later, I have no idea what was happening in the room.  No song in my head would help with this pain.   Grant said they brought in another nurse just to talk in my ear, encourage me.  She didn’t let me get away with my exhausted fake pushing.  Two hours…then you came.   No music then.

Alex did arrive, and a few days later he arrive at our home.  Whenever that song played, I picked him up and danced.  It was important to me.  Even if it meant leaving the stove.  We danced.  He was happy.  I was happy.  I managed to give birth without trauma (I didn’t say drama).   We dances so much to this song.  As Alex learned to walk, we would hold hands.  Then baby#2 came into view.   I knew that she would need her own song, and her own dance. 

But birth songs started with my first born,  (fueled by a stupid therapist),  became something to have a moment with my kids, and continued to this day.

The song was “Someday” by Sugar Ray.  It was on their  “14:59” cd. 

Emily’s birth song

I was so active during this time.   I was so aware, too.  I was so happy to be pregnant with a girl, and feel so much smaller.   I was a whale with Alex’s pregnancy. 

Madonna had a newer hit out.  Back then I was still aware of the music scene.  I loved the music video.  I loved the fast and slow speed of the song.  It was simple choice.  Emily’s song would be “Ray of Light”.  Really, it had come out a few years before, but it was still playing everywhere, all the time.    Hey, I pick my own rules for birth songs!

Emily’s name was a simple choice too.   I had wanted a daughter named Emily since I was 10 years old.  When my pregnant mom who talked about “Emily” brought home “Christina”.   We still called our last sibling Emily for a month.    (Christina is also Stina, or Aunt Stina

Later, when I was in high school, I tried out for my first play.  I got the lead.  I was Emily in “Our Town”.  A locket was a key prop in the play.  My boyfriend at the time (don’t tell Dad), bought me a locket for the last night of the play.  It was engraved with “Emily”.  I still have that locket.  waiting for her to get older, not lose it, and have a boyfriend sweet enough to engrave things for her.

Just like all the kids and “their” songs, I would stop whatever I was doing, and dance.  Pick up that child and dance.  Remember that I wanted them, that I loved them, and that all I was doing was for them.  And, of course, dance.   And we were all happy. 

Love the lyrics, “She got herself a little piece of heaven” because holding you was just that to me.     And “I feel like I just got home”, because I wanted you to feel at home.   Plus, as a second time mom, I was more aware of how time really did fly by.

Emily’s birth song, “Ray of Light” by Madonna

Katelyn’s Birth Song

Katelyn….oh how I had waited for Katelyn.   Cried for years to have another baby.   And I got healthy.   And it was finally okay.  

As I prepared for getting pregnant(a months long process for me), Grant started to look for names.  I still remember him waking me up one night to show me a list of “Katelyn’s”.   “Which one do you like the best?”  Grant urged me awake.  I pointed.  It was Grant’s favorite too.  So she was named.  Like, a year before she were born.  Good thing she was a girl!

The birth song was harder.  I think I like something new by Sting or Bonno the year she was born.  I listened and listened, and picked something. 

Then she born.  And my sister, Julie, came to help.  Julie lives by music…where I just forget to turn it on.  She brought the new Jack Johnson CD, along with her twin girls.   The twins and Emily were all 4 1/4.  They were like triplets.  Triplets dancing in the kitchen to Jack Johnson.  Everyone’s favorite song was “Upside Down”.  Dancing and spinning, with Julie holding new baby Katelyn.  The CD was the soundtrack to the current movie “Curious George”

Of course that became Katelyn’s song.   Later Curious George became a PBS cartoon.  Guess who fell in love with it?  The birth song was a perfect fit.  So I give you:

Katelyn’s birth song, “Upside Down” by Jack Johnson

Mark’s Birth Song

I heard it first on Ellen.  I love it.  We can record TV, so I got to play that song a few more times.   I fell in love. 

I was laying on the couch when I first heard it.  I thought it was just pregnancy that was making me hurt when I stood.  It was more.  More than even doctors now can tell me. 

I got the CD, I remember with joy finding it at Target.  Because I didn’t get out much. 

I chose this song for my 4th baby because I loved him.  And I wanted him to love me.  But I already knew it would be a different ‘Baby’s first year’.   So I wanted him to “take me the way I am.”  It turned out to be the best song as I was stuck with a broken body, and this song helped me cry and speak the words, 

I love you Mark, do you “take me the way I am?”  Love me the way I am?  Because I knew that “I love you more than I can ever promise”

and as he grows, I want him to know that I will always take him the way he is. 

So here it is, as long as the link works…Mark’s birth song

“The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson from her “Girls and Boys” CD 

PS:  Even though I call them “birth songs”, I only enjoyed them during pregnancy and/or infancy.  I never (I think) labored, nor gave birth, during the song.  But “birth song” fits better than “baby song”

Lost! Did I loan it to YOU?

That could get a little uncomfortable

Emily on an especially chore filled evening:

Dad, do you have to tell me how to do everything?

Grant, after an especially trying night of chore assignments

I certainly hope not,  cause on your wedding night that could get pretty uncomfortable!

{Not your typical} Engagement Announcement

Mr. and Mrs. Martin Zmolek are pleased to announce

 

The engagement of

 

Ms Christina Zmolek to Mrs. Rachel Zmolek (Richins)

They have been engaged in; 

Birthday shopping (twinners rule!)

Birthday cake buying (Flavor Bakery or Diet)

and laughing enough to forget

that one of them is recovering from another painful surgery

But at least they are engaged in looking hot! (31 is suddenly very hot)

Your presents is requested at church tomorrow, to see the happy couple. 

Please, only gifts of complements and healing

 

 

Happy first hour

I’ve been thirty-one for one hour. 
Best part so far was my early birthday present [Cue music in your head of Celine Dion, “I drove all night”}

Stina.  Or Christina to those outside the family.  When I started to fall apart from the pain (and the pain killers) from surgery last week, she called.  {Oh God, was it really last week?  Why did I do it?}  Then she thought about our various family member’s situations.  And she thought how someone needed to hug and help me.  And she thought, why not me?   So she came.  She borrowed a car to borrow a car.  And she drove all night.  12 hours.  And she’s here.  And she’s hugging me.  And she’s crying with me as I give birth.  (That’s what it feels like every time I go to the bathroom.  Colon/Rectal surgery is hell)    And she’s happy with me as I have a happy moment smelling neighbors roses, or sneaking into friend’s empty houses.   Laughing  together is great. 
 
Another post:  Reasons why 30 sucked
Another post: Reasons why 30 was worth it
Another post:  How surgery really went, no sugar coating with cute, pain free posts. 
Another post:  My limited pain options of living the life I’ve been dealt
So happy birthday to me.  The only gift I want is to not have pain.  Just one day.  Please?   Please?

For the first time in 10 years, I will have no birthday romancing.  The doctors say no.  No new birthday frills to wear.
No birthday plans either.  No cake.  No restaurants.  No ideas.  No plans.  I already got my gift (twin ticket to Wicked with Emily’s birthday)
I don’t even want a birthday.  I don’t want to be 31.  I wanted to leave bad health behind in 30.  And it won’t leave, so I won’t turn 31.

So I was having all those thoughts when Guy called.  Yes, his name is Guy.  He’s my sister’s Guy.  And talked to him about his childhood trip to Seattle made me want to show my town to Stina.  So we jumped in the car, and drove to Alki Beach.
Great views of the city.  So many people.  Fun, rocking docks. 

As my eyes held the beauty of Seattle at night, my heart softened.  An hour before my birthday, I felt okay to have it.  The warm lights of the town that has been the place of 10 years of good memories….those lights reminded me that I can have a good year when I’m not sure if I will ever be patched up.  That moments of beautiful skylines, sand on my toes, thoughts of butterfly kisses from my kids (who have never forgotten me)
 (Photo: my 4 kids in front of balloons that I wish were mine)
I’m ready to embrace 31.  A birthday with no plans.  Followed by a year with no plans.  This is really frightening to me.  But better than my last year.   

Happy Birthday, Rachel.  You are still alive.  And still able enough to blog about it.