I've been drafted

I'm at war. The war must be fought. And I realize there are no counsels I can plead my case to. It doesn't matter that I am a mom. No mercy is given just because I have procreated. Likewise, my fellow comrades are given no pardon if they are bread winner, or widowed, or rich or famous. There is no end in sight to my tour of duty.

The war is pain.

Pain is the enemy. The battle field is the body and mind. Some are sent to the front lines, with short terminal illnesses Some run and charge pain in a burst of suicide. I envy both. I have no death sentence. I have no life either, since my call to battle didn't include an end date.

(insert a photo of war, black and white, but since I'm immobile in bed, the photos are imaginary)

My neighbor has a cold. In a week, she'll be released from battle. But that battle is quickly forgotten. Pain sucks that way. When you're in it, it feels like forever. When you're out, its like it never happened. Like a nightmare upon waking.
But I am still asleep.. I am left on the battle field. Those left in action with me are often forgotten. Like NieNie. (link to her post about her guests all leaving and crying) Have you already forgotten her recent pain? Flip to another blog, and its as if her pain is gone. I know I did until I was called back to battle.
I smiled at church. People assume I'm feeling better.

I'm not. Smiling just means I can still move the muscles that lift my lips. It is never an indicator of pain.

Tonight I am screaming at the horrible nature of this pain war. I've begged for permission to leave...just for a few hours. Its not like I'd be causing any of my comrades more pain if I go. So I took my pills. But tonight access was denied. I'm stuck at war.

(picture of a star filled night)

War is 100% worse at night. Laying down in bed to rest makes it twice as bad. So much seems more possible at night. Fleeting thoughts on how to escape the war are expected. Since I am determined to stay alive, I try to take my mind to other places. Reviewing a novel's storyline. Dreaming of future family vacations. Writing my thoughts in a blog. Later, when my hand cramps from texting this on my phone, I'll try to read

People who are not on active duty in this war would be happy if I read scriptures. My fellow comrades agree that a good novel is great. I guess they agree on reading, they just disagree on the authors!!

The war is raging all over the world. If you're not fighting right now, you can't even enjoy that. Its another really crappy part of pain. Health can only be savored by the suffering.

(picture of stationary, maybe a roll of stamps)

But tonight I'm in battle. And NieNie is here too. Motherhood and this war make me feel like her friend. Maybe someday I'll have a break from both so I can write her a letter. To tell her that I'm sorry she got drafted in such a sudden, horrible way. Mine was slower. But we are both here in pain against our will, and we're mad as hell at the changes.

Against my will. I told that to my mom recently. She said its not true. I did give my permission when I choose the plan from Jesus. My level of pain determines the faith I have in that statement. And it makes me sad to be that honest with myself. Its a weak testimony that is founded on health. Because when it fails, all you thought was true and right and love gets all messed up.

(picture of broken rock wall)

The battle seems to have lightened. I'm going to try to sleep. I must emphasize that I am not suicidal. I am only in a bad hour of chronic pain. If we are both lucky, this particular battle will be over by morning. So by the time you read this, I will be different. Tonight I'm experimenting with being brave and vocal and honest during an especially painful night. This is my life, and I refuse to only chronicle the good or funny moments

Perhaps I'll trip on my funny bone in the next battle.