…until you wiped the rice scoop on your na-nas!

I’ll tell you the first part of that sentence, that story at the end…

We are home.  Visiting family was good for the soul.  Hard on the body.  Even with all my tricks and rest and laying in odd places. 

As you can see, I had many surprise bathroom visits, making the car trip a bit longer.   I’ve got a great husband who drove the whole time while I laid in different seats. 

Point is….party is over.  On many counts.  I’m 5 weeks and 5 days out of surgery.  I’m also 8 weeks away from my next surgery.  

Yep.  Another one.  This one is just cause the anesthesiologist is SO HOT!  Too bad I’m asleep for most of our dates.  Cause he is really hot. 

Seriously, I now need to get my “ newly straightened” rectum (ew, horrible word, I know!  Sorry if you were eating or pregnant!)  anyway, that part, I need to get it “pleated”.   Like a skirt.  I have flabby muscles in a place that NEEDS muscle tone to do its job.  There are no “exercises” I can do to fix it.  If I want it to work, they take the existing muscle and fold it over itself, and wait for scar tissue to bind the muscle tighter. 

It’s an in and out surgery, home that day to be in pain.  For 1-2 weeks, they say.  I hear 1-2 months.

So all this is in my head.  And I finally connect with my surgeon about the current pain status, only to be told it’s time to turn my case over to the pain management people.  “It’s not me, it’s you.”  

Pain.  Sucks.  Pain. Is. Crappy.

No matter what the cause, no matter how extensive it is….

Pain Sucks.   And some days, no matter what, pain becomes

PAIN

Today is one of those days.   I can’t even share with you how intense and overwhelming and all penetrating it is to body, mind and spirit.

And the end of the day is filled with even more crap.  An overwhelmed husband watched Mark open door knobs on his first try now that he’s evidently tall enough.  More barriers gone.  An overwhelmed husband turns to see this is the night….

This is the night MARK LEARNS TO RIP OFF HIS DIAPER!

Grumpy Grant is busy making the bedtime bottle….then turns to find a nakie Mark with a kitchen tool.  Then I hear,

“Mark!  I was going to snuggle with you….BEFORE you wiped the rice scoop on your na-nas!”  

Oh!

Somehow

In a sick, sick way,

I feel better knowing that I’m not the only one suffering!

Guess the floor...again.

We are 75 miles from home. Only 75 miles! Apparently my new gut wants to extend this trip! We have plenty of gas and food to make it home. But no toilet in our mini van. Though i joke about it, I couldn't really wear Depends!

So here I am again, giving you the chance at fame by playing.....

guess the floor!

ps....we still don't have a winner for yesterdays glorious floor. Hint: despite its beauty, that pretty pink floor is not in a place that sells any food.

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Guess the floor, heading home

Guess the floor? Hint: its in california.

Congratulations to cousin cori who guessed the last floor right...it was a public rest stop just a few hours away from our destination. It did have lots of trees and grass for the kids to climb and run on while we had a 30 minute delay.

Alex got something out of it, he got to drive the last bit in the front seat while I curled up in the back of the mini van. He chatted so much with Grant!

we're headed home now, I'm laying next to Mark. The big kids are in the back seat watching WALLE. Grant has been driving for about 4.5 hours. Just 7.5 left!

Unless

I have another floor that must be shared!

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Guess the floor!

Yes we're on the road to California. My new body doesn't care that we only have 2 hours left on a 12 hour drive. Guess where this floor is!

Extra credit: what is my family doing during this detour?

Now its time AGAIN to play every colon's favorite came...name that floor!


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Mark makes it out of state!

Our family has a new record. Mark is 1 year and exactly 3 months old before he left the state...or even slept outside King county where he was born! This photo was taken at 7.30 when we had just passed into Oregon. Obviously he was thrilled to check that off his list. I think I've travelled with a 2 week old before...for sure a 6 week old!

Kate also has something to be proud about. Her first gas station bathroom stop! She would like to thank "Nanny Julie for teaching me that it was possible. Thanks to mom for the new trick that I can go with my pants around my ankles and my shoes on. And thanks to emily for lifting me up and down from the toilet and sink."

I'm sure you are all sad to are that I have no photos of that.

Seriously guys do you have any idea how much it sucks to be forbidden to even help a baby on the toilet? Or is this worse... I'm not allowed to squat either...so my knees touched the gas station bathroom floor! EW!

Love from the road....rachel

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On the road again….

When God speaks, I listen. 

When God speaks and I’m on pain meds, I listen and put the thoughts aside.   If they come back when I’m not on pain meds, I MIGHT listen.

When God says I need to plan a family trip to see the in-laws, while I’m on pain meds….

First I ignored.  Then I laughed.  Then I waited for Grant to tell me he wanted to go/was inspired.   Nothing.  Weeks went by.  Then I told Grant.  His first response, “What time did you last take your pain meds?  How many pills?”

 

 

Grant and his mom (1975)

yes.   it does look like Mark.  Guess we don’t have to take a paternity test after all.

 

Really.  He thought I must be completely high to suggest that we visit HIS family.   Why else would anyone visit their in-laws?  (Grant, you better hope no one in your family reads this!)

But God persisted.   So we made plans.  Then we found out what God already knew.  We needed to visit. 

  

“Grant wants to be just like his Dad”   Nov 1976

Now God gets to laugh, because if I had listened the first time, I would have been able to book the nice hotel in town for us.    Now they are full, so we the only other hotel in town.   It’s a nice 2 bedroom room with a kitchenette, and mice and holes in the linens.   I can only assume lots of dust and mold too.     Hearsay suggests that an Aunt, who has even stayed in Malaysia with rocks over snake filled drains, never wants to stay there again. 

With 4 kids, we don’t fit at the house anymore.  With a husband who insists the inside temperature is below 70 in the summer, no one wants to share a house with him.  (Not to self, pack electric blanket).

IN RETURN, we get

Memories.  Good memories.  My older two will remember this trip.  They get to see their GREAT grandparents, still alive, still married, still living in their home.   I don’t know how much longer those will all be true!    Alex is the baby who turned them into Great-grandparents.   Alex LOVES the war stories, the farm animals.  Alex listen’s to Granddad’s book suggestions.  When he got to book 5 in the Artimus Fowl series, that Granddad told him about, #6 and #7 came in the mail. 

31 years ago this weekend! Grant’s Granddad’s house (the same one, same place we’ll go,)

L-R:  Grant, Susan, Jack, and cousin????  with Granddad reading.

Alice and Jack get to meet Mark.   Happy, walking, babbling Mark.    Aunts, uncles and cousins get to meet Mark also. 

We get to see Aunts and Uncles, and cousins….luck would have it that we all get to meet the newest, baby Olivia.  I want my turn when she’s asleep.  Yummy…. 6 month old sleeping baby…

Uncle Kurt gets to see how much his “princess” has grown.  In size and attitude!  Hopefully he fills his pockets with dollar store jewelry and candy, since Kate can’t remember the last visit.  Kate cried for everyone but mom or Uncle Kurt.  She would fall asleep in his arms. 

Next important is Grant’s parents, and  most important is Grant.  Hopefully this will give them both some rejuvenation of heart.   Heaven knows we all sure need much rejuvenation after this past year. 

  Year….wow, it will be a year this memorial day weekend that we’ve had full time nannies.   Glad for the help, really glad.  Sucks for the reason.  That’s one crappy year.    Speaking of bad things, I’ll leave you with this photo of toddler Grant and his big brother.  

 

 Jack and Grant ready for church (1976)

  Gotta love the blue…um…  ?Jumper?  Pants Suit?  Overalls?  on Grant.  Super classy!

Just watching a drowning...not planning

Just wanted to clarify... I did not plan or throw emily a party. It was her friends. That friends mom is my dear friend and pain companion.

I knew I couldn't help much for this party. I did take some photos. Years gone by, I enjoyed many parties of many friends as craft or activity person. This time all I was good for was "8 year old herding and I'll yell if someone drowns." and taking pictures. Which is what was doing before the drowning and why everyone ignored my yells for help. Yes, redmond pool life guards... ψ

Uncle mike says ulcer been reading too much "catcher in the rye". Huh? I don't know if I ever read that in my ghetto high school with the english teacher,who believed the Holocaust was made up by hollywood... Yes. Really.

Point is...even if I was healthy I would never do a pool party. Of course that's easy to say after watching the same girl almost drown twice unnoticed by all. But me.

And I'm not doing well enough for emily to have a birthday party this year. She is lucky we are even going to let her get baptized this year. Inviting school friends and neighbors to that with cake afterwards makes my body ache to think... Less than a month or 2 till then!

And no, we can't do the easy thing and have cake at the church. Rules changed...now home only treats so other kids don't feel bad if they didn't have a spread at their baptism.

Is it the same in your ward?

So far only one near drowning

Here is emily trying to not drown the blacks baby girl.....

Yep I'm a birthday party herder. 8 girls that 8 years old.

And the life guard ignored my yells for help.


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Guess where this floor is....

For once it's not a bathroom.
hint... Depending on what happens next I will need a bathroom.

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I won something!

I'm so happy, I would be jumping and yelling. If I wasn't alone in the house, and hurting. (Grant's doing errands with all 4 kids while I lay down and wait for the drugs to kick in)
So, instead of jumping, I'll blog about it with lots of !!!!!

On my sidebar, one of my favorite blogs is

mom2my6pack.blogpsot.com

She writes a blog "because I said so" about life with 6 kids. And she wrote a book of the same title, out recently.

You might remember her from the popular ebay posting/blog about a trip to target. And no, she's not LDS, and she was so confused why people kept asking her that. Cause more people than just us Mormon's have lots of kids intentionally. :)

So...did you notice THIS POST?

I actually won something!! And the thing I wanted most, her book! I keep meaning to put it on hold at KCLS, but blogging is so much more fun.

Okay, reading blogs in bed is so much more fun!

Can't wait to get it in the mail :)

Dear Dawn,

I love you.
I love your blog.
Thanks for randomly picking me to win!

Love,
Rachel

Pressure: 3 weeks post-op

I cried a lot yesterday.  My pain management therapist confirmed what I feared.  I’m using more pain meds that a person 3 weeks after this kind of surgery should be. 

But most people after this surgery don’t have 4 kids.  Just getting them ready in the morning can equal a 1/2 mile walk.  (just guessing, but I feel the same after both!)

Most people haven’t had 3 previous surgeries, 3 conscious sedations, and countless other procedures and tests.  

Most people didn’t start off a year like this by having a baby, without gaining any weight.

So I cry.  Because I don’t know what to do FIRST.

I’ve got an appointment with my main surgeon to help make the choices.

Do they want me off Narcotics, or more active first?  Stop freaking out, I’m on a much lower dose , lower strength med every week…but still more than most patients are on at this point, which is NOTHING

Do they want me off the laxatives, or off the narcotics first?    How do you get off laxatives and on fiber?  (slowly changing, as I was told, is not enough info for me)   How much is normal (horrible) post-colon surgery life and how much is normal (horrible) getting off laxatives?  Everyone is different is not an acceptable answer.

Did you know that you lose a lining through out your gut when you’re on laxatives for a long time?  So that’s why I can’t just STOP using them.   But how long does it take to get the lining back?

I have all this pressure on me to heal, to get around, to eat right (high protein, high fiber diet, YUCK!).

 

Playing in the dress up box with my kids this afternoon

 

 

 

On top of that, I’ve felt so much pressure to be a full time mom again.   That means making the choice to play or watch play, or read, or potty train or whatever with my children while the nanny is here.    I prefer to live in my cave of a bedroom.  Don’t get me wrong, I love feeling better enough that I can even have that choice.    Before I realize it, I’m exhausted just from play.  

This doesn’t even include Mark, who’s been sick again (every hole rejecting food, on and off for weeks, what did we do wrong?).   He needs surgery to get adenoids out.  So he’s also stuck with a sinus infection until then.    (this photo is this morning, right before he threw up his bottle, because he snuck some wheat from the kids breakfast cereal.  We think.) 

 

5:45 pm Nanny Julie is off the  clock.   Then expectations for me grow higher.    To have family dinner.  To put kids to bed.  To be a normal mom.

 

The final cherry is that many people are giving loving advice on how I should prioritize my days.  It’s over whelming.   It’s stressful.   Stress on a normal digestive system is draining.  It causes the similar effects as a real virus.  Now stress is something I can touch, smell and taste.  Stress is that real to me.  After this kind of surgery,stress is also the difference between dinner at the table, or blogging from the bathroom. 

 

 

So what hat do I wear?

What hat should I wear?

 

 

I can’t please everyone.  I can’t please my doctors, my family, my God or my own body.    When everyone’s advice is said and followed, I’m still stuck with this body that has it’s own ideas and timetables. 

I cried to my loving husband last night. 

He was so supportive and let me know that being full time mom this summer is the last thing I need to be worried about.  We are doing okay.    NOW is the time to heal, and figure out how that will be done best with my situation.   LATER, he assures me, when I’m ready, I’ll be the mom again. 

So the bomb got deactivated.  I don’t need to be healed and the mom in 5 more weeks (total 8 week time I’m on strict doctors limits)

I love my husband.  I love how he can see thru the tears and help get to the logic.  I’m glad he values me more than a number in the bank, so I have one pressure I can let go of.   We can employ Julie as long as I need it.  Not just until the doctor says it’s safe to lift  Mark. 

Now if I could just figure out HOW to heal best for me…..

Since healing takes time, I’ll just have to smile and laugh as the seconds tick away.   Then one day I will wake up with no pain.  And I will make it to lunch without remembering where I was sliced open.  And I will make it to the afternoon without clutching my belly.   

One day….one day further away from today than I want, but sooner than I fear.   Oh, help me Lord! 

HELP!  Oh dear, so much help!  Laundry done by Gassers, Seamons, Robinsons….(Thanks Ladies!, you know it was all done by the woman of the house).  Meals brought in by the school.  Rides to doc appointment.  Prayers.

And Julie, the best nanny ever, who will help throw everyone in the car to run me to a doctor appointment I forgot about and say, “no problem!”

 

Dear Julie,   I love you.    You really are a super hero in disguise.   I also love your new hair.  And the other new thing.  Love,  Rachel

 

 

Purpose of this post:  Writing down (what I didn’t want to write) about a crummy time 3 weeks after surgery.   Now you know where I am.  And I’ll remember where I was.  

Where I was is….

Jumping off into week 4, not knowing where this will lead me.  Praying that I can do something right.  Wishing that I knew where I was going to land….

tonight.

tomorrow.

next week.

next month.

Guess the floor

I'm stuck in a public bathroom.
Can you guess where because of the floor?
hints........
it's in Redmond.
it's a store.

And nanny julie with 3 kids and ice cream are waiting.


Yes. You will keep seeing floor photos until this stops.

(UPDATE 5-6-09.....it's NOT a resturant! Keep playing, it makes me so happy!)

WE HAVE A WINNER! See the comments to find out if it was you!

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1 to 3; FINALLY, my sibling pull a prank on me!

Here is the Facebook version of what happened May 1, that cause me to walk to far, that cause me to be back on bedrest last weekend. Since not all my readers are Facebook people, thought you'd enjoy this!!

Rachel Zmolek Richins at 11:22pm May 2
My bro was engaged, then broke it off. Their June Utah wedding was cancelled(Everyone knew that). But they are still together. Friday my sister Julie called, telling me she was so worried about Sam. I called him, needing to talk anyway b/c I needed a pep talk about getting off pain meds. So I call, get his voice mail

Then Sam texted me, "sorry, you woke me up. I'm in Vegas right now, and totally out of it. Hope you're doing better. Of course, i start calling him again and again, text him asking, "Call me, I need help" and left voicemail saying, "are you in Vegas to bird watch nearby or something else?"

We finally connect on the phone, talk about my stuff (narcotics, permanent pain), and he makes it clear that Katie (girlfriend) was with him. WITH HIM IN VEGAS.

I ask, "SAM, DID YOU BREAK YOUR PROMISE OR DO I NEED TO JUMP ON A PLANE?" Cause I told him, if he eloped, I wanted to be there. He said, it's too late. He was married!


So I scream, I jump up and down, all while I"m on my first walk of the day (doctors orders). I was so excited and happy for him! He says I can tell people. I call my sister J, who can't be reached. Then call mom and tell her. While I'm talking, I get a text that says....

"Happy Mayday" from Sam. I text back, don't you mean happy first marriage day, or is it the second?" Then he realizes that I didn't get it, and hurries to call me before he has to clean up his own mess. So I swap talking with my mom to Sam


Sam makes it clear that it's Mayday, and it's a prank. He and sister Julie planned it to get back at me for the April Fools Rachel is pregnant and cancel the surgery prank I pulled that totally worked. Then I get mad. Because I was so happy they had eloped. So I say very naught words to him.

By this time, I'm between two churches on my way home, and I tell him I'm even madder because I have to repent for swearing. They sure got me good! Oh, then I finally get back on the phone to sister Julie, but she doesn't know Sam had spilled the beans.

Julie was a horrible liar, with her monotone, "No way, they got married? You're joking!" and I say, know YOU are joking, I know you and Sam planned this! You suck at lying! Then I told all my friends and have laughed and laughed. But walked to far during it all, so now I'm hurting as I laugh.

Now It's 3 to 1. I've pranked Julie three great times (engaged to a loser, pregnant with triplets when she was with twins, and preggo with #5) So with lots of help, she finally got me! And they really got me, now I'm stuck in bed, hurting.

I HATE SETBACK DAYS!!!!! But I love jokes!

why would ‘I would die for that’….

As I was avoiding waiting for sleep to happen this afternoon, I somehow ended up on birth mom blog.  Then followed it with the blog of the family she chose to place her baby with. 

That’s when I found this post

I Would Die for That

I watched the music video.   I cried.   Knowing I have a gift that is becoming more rare among 2 parent families.   I have children.  I am a mother, birth and all. 

Now, with no time to find out who the singer is, why she sang it..

I realize many things

1. I’m scared to be a full time mom, alone with my kids all day.
2. I’m not ready to be off painkillers, because they dull other pain I have (back, foot, joint) that I don’t know why.  I’m not ready for pain + motherhood.   Again.  
3. I’m not ready to make 3 meals a day for my family
4. I’m not ready to potty train Kate
5. I’m not ready to have park days and playdates.
6. I’m not ready to crack the whip encourage my kids do their homework.
7. I hate driving to weekly doc appointments.   I’m going to hate driving Kate to her OT and ST, three appointments each week.
8. I’m going to have to find a sitter whenever I need to go to the doctor.  Then have to exchange sitting or money or something for the childcare.
9. I’m going to change all the diapers again.
10. I’m going to clean my house again  (hopefully not for a few more months, please let there be money for that!)
11. I’m not going to be able to sleep in the day.  And might have to change meds to not be tired (the best foot pain med for my permanent nerve damage makes me sleepy)
12. I won’t have a way to shower daily (ahahah, just kidding, you know I don’t even do that, even with the nanny in charge)
13. I have to be the one in charge
14. I have to listen to the whining , tantrums, bargaining and be strong.   And I’m not as strong as Nanny Julie.
15. and this list doesn’t even include the laundry or shopping that Grant or friends do for us. 

We’ve had a full time nanny since the end of May, 2008.   That was after 2 surgeries, after baby #4 when I wasn’t healing and had a mental breakdown.  Oh yeah, I wrote that.  M-e-n-t-a-l B-r-e-a-k-d-o-w-n.   Pain, painkillers, kids, pregnancy, babies, work….it will do it for you. 

And I have a job people would die for.  4 relatively healthy kids.  2 boys, 2 girls.   Happy kids.  And I’m afraid to be their mom again. 

Their all day mom.

You sure you would die for that?

Another place I don’t want to be, the ER

I was finally resting, with pain far from my brain.

Then Screams.  And more screams.  

I get up and Mark is dotted in blood, as is the door, floor and his clothes.   Later Emily and I looked around and think that he cut it on a rock from Emily’s collection (she picks them walking home from school)

And I broke the rule.  I broke it.  I picked Mark up.  I picked him up, while squatting.  I might have broken the surgery.  I might have ruined it all. 

So now we are at Children’s Hospital to get evaluated for stitches.   I think I might be stupid.   He’s part of THE hand on his lap, mirrored by Grant hand and his lap.

But we have been approved, we don’t have the swine flu, so we can go into the normal entrance  (This is the sticker we got at the ‘pre-entrance’ so that we got to be with the non-flu people.  We each have one)

So we wait.  At least we have the fall back of his runny nose and perhaps ear infection.  Thanks Petersons and maybe Blacks for watching our older three.

And I’m probably wrong.   I’m probably just wasting our time and his money. 

****UPDATE*****

we are stupid parents.  Can’t get it right when it’s needed.  Do it right when it’s wrong.  Mark’s finger is fine.  It will bleed, but no problem for stitches.  And…no ear or real sinus infection.  But even the doc can feel his HOT HOT, pokey gums where his first molars are trying to come out all together. 

Stupid.  

Tired.

Hungry.

THEY say better days are ahead...

I hope THEY are right. I walked too far on friday. So I've been on doctors orders to rest. No walks. Until monday.

I'm now at church. Its the last hour. I should be in Relief Society Just us women, worshiping God and his many mercies.

I could have gone home after sacrament meeting. I chose to stay, and be with my sisters (in Zion)

Instead, I'm alone. Looking at the floor. I thought you would like to see part of my view.

Betrayed. By my body. Shaking. Sick. Alone. Afraid to move.

Oh, Lord, make this time pass quickly.

No one, NO ONE mentioned that I would have an alien body after this. Some who've been here say it will be 6 months. Or 12.

That means 25 or 50 sundays memorizing this tile floor.

On the bright side, some conversations are fun to listen to.

You should also know that the best stall is the second from the end. I'm plotting to tape some Cottonelle wipes on the underside of the tank.

Dear cottonelle wipes,
I love you.
Love,
Rachel

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