Pressure: 3 weeks post-op

I cried a lot yesterday.  My pain management therapist confirmed what I feared.  I’m using more pain meds that a person 3 weeks after this kind of surgery should be. 

But most people after this surgery don’t have 4 kids.  Just getting them ready in the morning can equal a 1/2 mile walk.  (just guessing, but I feel the same after both!)

Most people haven’t had 3 previous surgeries, 3 conscious sedations, and countless other procedures and tests.  

Most people didn’t start off a year like this by having a baby, without gaining any weight.

So I cry.  Because I don’t know what to do FIRST.

I’ve got an appointment with my main surgeon to help make the choices.

Do they want me off Narcotics, or more active first?  Stop freaking out, I’m on a much lower dose , lower strength med every week…but still more than most patients are on at this point, which is NOTHING

Do they want me off the laxatives, or off the narcotics first?    How do you get off laxatives and on fiber?  (slowly changing, as I was told, is not enough info for me)   How much is normal (horrible) post-colon surgery life and how much is normal (horrible) getting off laxatives?  Everyone is different is not an acceptable answer.

Did you know that you lose a lining through out your gut when you’re on laxatives for a long time?  So that’s why I can’t just STOP using them.   But how long does it take to get the lining back?

I have all this pressure on me to heal, to get around, to eat right (high protein, high fiber diet, YUCK!).

 

Playing in the dress up box with my kids this afternoon

 

 

 

On top of that, I’ve felt so much pressure to be a full time mom again.   That means making the choice to play or watch play, or read, or potty train or whatever with my children while the nanny is here.    I prefer to live in my cave of a bedroom.  Don’t get me wrong, I love feeling better enough that I can even have that choice.    Before I realize it, I’m exhausted just from play.  

This doesn’t even include Mark, who’s been sick again (every hole rejecting food, on and off for weeks, what did we do wrong?).   He needs surgery to get adenoids out.  So he’s also stuck with a sinus infection until then.    (this photo is this morning, right before he threw up his bottle, because he snuck some wheat from the kids breakfast cereal.  We think.) 

 

5:45 pm Nanny Julie is off the  clock.   Then expectations for me grow higher.    To have family dinner.  To put kids to bed.  To be a normal mom.

 

The final cherry is that many people are giving loving advice on how I should prioritize my days.  It’s over whelming.   It’s stressful.   Stress on a normal digestive system is draining.  It causes the similar effects as a real virus.  Now stress is something I can touch, smell and taste.  Stress is that real to me.  After this kind of surgery,stress is also the difference between dinner at the table, or blogging from the bathroom. 

 

 

So what hat do I wear?

What hat should I wear?

 

 

I can’t please everyone.  I can’t please my doctors, my family, my God or my own body.    When everyone’s advice is said and followed, I’m still stuck with this body that has it’s own ideas and timetables. 

I cried to my loving husband last night. 

He was so supportive and let me know that being full time mom this summer is the last thing I need to be worried about.  We are doing okay.    NOW is the time to heal, and figure out how that will be done best with my situation.   LATER, he assures me, when I’m ready, I’ll be the mom again. 

So the bomb got deactivated.  I don’t need to be healed and the mom in 5 more weeks (total 8 week time I’m on strict doctors limits)

I love my husband.  I love how he can see thru the tears and help get to the logic.  I’m glad he values me more than a number in the bank, so I have one pressure I can let go of.   We can employ Julie as long as I need it.  Not just until the doctor says it’s safe to lift  Mark. 

Now if I could just figure out HOW to heal best for me…..

Since healing takes time, I’ll just have to smile and laugh as the seconds tick away.   Then one day I will wake up with no pain.  And I will make it to lunch without remembering where I was sliced open.  And I will make it to the afternoon without clutching my belly.   

One day….one day further away from today than I want, but sooner than I fear.   Oh, help me Lord! 

HELP!  Oh dear, so much help!  Laundry done by Gassers, Seamons, Robinsons….(Thanks Ladies!, you know it was all done by the woman of the house).  Meals brought in by the school.  Rides to doc appointment.  Prayers.

And Julie, the best nanny ever, who will help throw everyone in the car to run me to a doctor appointment I forgot about and say, “no problem!”

 

Dear Julie,   I love you.    You really are a super hero in disguise.   I also love your new hair.  And the other new thing.  Love,  Rachel

 

 

Purpose of this post:  Writing down (what I didn’t want to write) about a crummy time 3 weeks after surgery.   Now you know where I am.  And I’ll remember where I was.  

Where I was is….

Jumping off into week 4, not knowing where this will lead me.  Praying that I can do something right.  Wishing that I knew where I was going to land….

tonight.

tomorrow.

next week.

next month.