As I was avoiding waiting for sleep to happen this afternoon, I somehow ended up on birth mom blog. Then followed it with the blog of the family she chose to place her baby with.
That’s when I found this post
I watched the music video. I cried. Knowing I have a gift that is becoming more rare among 2 parent families. I have children. I am a mother, birth and all.
Now, with no time to find out who the singer is, why she sang it..
I realize many things
- I’m scared to be a full time mom, alone with my kids all day.
- I’m not ready to be off painkillers, because they dull other pain I have (back, foot, joint) that I don’t know why. I’m not ready for pain + motherhood. Again.
- I’m not ready to make 3 meals a day for my family
- I’m not ready to potty train Kate
- I’m not ready to have park days and playdates.
- I’m not ready to
crack the whipencourage my kids do their homework. - I hate driving to weekly doc appointments. I’m going to hate driving Kate to her OT and ST, three appointments each week.
- I’m going to have to find a sitter whenever I need to go to the doctor. Then have to exchange sitting or money or something for the childcare.
- I’m going to change all the diapers again.
- I’m going to clean my house again (hopefully not for a few more months, please let there be money for that!)
- I’m not going to be able to sleep in the day. And might have to change meds to not be tired (the best foot pain med for my permanent nerve damage makes me sleepy)
- I won’t have a way to shower daily (ahahah, just kidding, you know I don’t even do that, even with the nanny in charge)
- I have to be the one in charge
- I have to listen to the whining , tantrums, bargaining and be strong. And I’m not as strong as Nanny Julie.
- and this list doesn’t even include the laundry or shopping that Grant or friends do for us.
We’ve had a full time nanny since the end of May, 2008. That was after 2 surgeries, after baby #4 when I wasn’t healing and had a mental breakdown. Oh yeah, I wrote that. M-e-n-t-a-l B-r-e-a-k-d-o-w-n. Pain, painkillers, kids, pregnancy, babies, work….it will do it for you.
And I have a job people would die for. 4 relatively healthy kids. 2 boys, 2 girls. Happy kids. And I’m afraid to be their mom again.
Their all day mom.
You sure you would die for that?
I just realized the answer!
ReplyDeletePolygamy! I'll just have Grant marry Julie!
rachel-
ReplyDeletethat's life. it's beautiful when it's beautiful and sucky when it's not. have courage. you are more capable and willing than you want to believe. it'll defninitely be hard, but your kids deserve to have you back- and so does grant. and i think you'll enjoy it again sooner than you realize. allow yourself to believe in yourself.
just because it'll be hard doesn't mean you can't do it.
I bought a book for myself recently called "Eat Your Peas for Tough Times". Cheesy, but helpful.
ReplyDeleteAnd about what someone would or should die for...well, I don't know if I can comment. Let's just say you're a hero either way you spin it.
It's definitely tough but it's not all sucky or hard. just pick one thing to work on at a time (I say amongst the chaos of mess and clutter that is my house) and allow yourself blah or down days. Sometimes it is better to watch the disney channel all day and escape a little than to be mean and cranky mommy. You just gotta make sure those days don't become the norm(I am a recovering tv addict :) )
ReplyDeleteI admire how you admit your fears. I think that takes a lot of strength and I think you will find as you face them, not only will you be able to, but it will make you happy. The majority of the time I fear something, I find it wasn't so bad after all. :)
ReplyDeleteyeah Sarah, that totally worked the second time around for the bowel prep kit. My fears didn't come true....oh wait, they did! I was as bad! Worse, cause I couldn't find a fun movie, and I had to wait until a 2pm surgeyr!
ReplyDeleteSo when are you having your next colonoscopy that was due 2 years ago???
But you must go on... one thing at a time. All the other comments are great advise.
ReplyDeleteYou are never alone, unless you choose. Pray for strength, pray for faith in yourself. You are a very capable mother, and an amazing teacher to your beautiful children.
Nobody has a great day everyday! Hold on to the days that are wonderful-to get you through the "rain".
Rachel, the best answer I can give is when monkeys fly out of my bum (at which point they will DEFINITELY have to investigate the problem).
ReplyDelete