Several months ago, I was ready to give the church the boot. I get this way after each baby. Apparently, any great trauma is enough to trigger it.
I did nothing but cry in church. Sometimes it was tears. Sometimes it was inside. It became so unbearable, that I would use meditation to pretend I was somewhere else. When that didn’t work, I would bargain with myself.
“If you keep your mouth shut and don’t say anything to ruin the lesson, I’ll give you an ice cream after church,” I would say to myself. “Just stay in your chair, and don’t look rude, and I’ll give you an ice cream come right when you get home!” I would beg my legs, when they wanted to run.
It finally a change in how I viewed church talks and lessons to grant me renewed faith. At Stake Conference (with the rest of Washington and Alaska) I was listening to a fun story about a boy chasing a known poisonous lizard (he wanted anyway) into an old mine. I really enjoyed listening to this story. I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the next bit of plot. I actually forgot about the burning in my legs, and the spasms in my back. This kind of talk was actually fun!
It made me wonder why other talks made me upset, angry, broken, overwhelmed with "good lists". I thought about it. Most talks I take too personally. Like it's a doctor, telling me my MRI results and how to fix it. Or like it's a college lecture, information I must learn for a later test. So I realized that the church speakers are not talking to me alone, and telling me all that I need to do better. Instead I think of that fun talk about the lizard. It was like a story a fun uncle would tell. So now I listen to each talk like I’m sitting on a porch swing with an old friend.
The speaker/or talk/or lesson is just telling me their story, and their story within a given topic. It's just their story of what helped and hurt them to get to where they are today. Each speaker/teacher in on their own life path. When they give a talk or lesson, they are just telling where they've been on their path of life. Or telling how they see the gospel THRU THE VIEW from their own life path. And I just listen to their story, relaxing, enjoy it, but just listen. If I think that something they have experienced could help me on MY OWN path, I might see how I could implement it into steps ON MY OWN path.
I hope I explained that well enough that you can understand that, down to your heart, on your own life path. I would have saved myself a lot of post church/ post conference pain if I realized this truth. Because if I think of everyone being on the same path, at the same time, I would drive myself crazy. I do think there is a single, true gospel. I just think there are many paths with many views that go around and thru the true gospel.
My shrink leaned back in his chair and twinkled as I told him my realization. He was impressed that I "got it" so young. Off the subject, I must say that my shrink happens to be rare man. He's a psychologist (can write RX) he does Talk Therapy (even more rare for a drug pusher). And he's LDS, been a bishop even. There is NO ONE like him in the Northwest. Every 6 months he tells reminds me of a fact. Utah shrinks says that the number of Prozac and similar RX given to patients (mostly women), rise off the charts every month after conference.
I will no longer going to be part of those new Prozac RX. I will stop crying in church because I feel berated and beaten up after 3 hours of church. Or on my bad days, crying after just sacrament meeting, or even one talk. I left Relief Society on many occasions filled with anger towards the lesson and the church. I felt like the church was demanding to much. Now I realize I was demanding too much of myself after a lesson. It may take re-reading this every week for a while to remember that church is just story time.
Line upon line, precept upon precept. It’s the scripture that the design of the Denver Temple is based on. It’s a testimony I have, but haven’t really used.
I thought this was so important; I wanted to say it again. You are on your own path of life. I'm on mine. We share the experiences of being Mormon, being parents, being a wife. But we're on our own path. And when we read the Ensign, or listen to a church talk, or for that matter, any media where truth is being spoken....it's being spoken from the point of view of that person's path of life.
Remember, I learned that for me, I can't listen to a talk like it's a college lecture. They are not talking to me alone, and telling me all that I need to do better. Instead I think of each talk like I’m sitting on a porch swing with an old friend. The speaker is just telling me their story, and their story within a given topic. Even as they quote scripture and Conference Talks. They are just quoting them as they fit into their life view.
It's just their story of what helped and hurt them to get to where they are today. They are just telling where they've been on their path of life. And I just listen to this story, and enjoy it, but just listen. If I think that something they have experienced could help me on MY OWN path, I might see how I could implement it into steps ON MY OWN path.
I hope that this gives you something to think about. If it doesn’t ring true to you, I hope you find your own words that give you peace. Like “Don’t Take it Personally!”
*****
This is actually part 3 from a long letter to Nikkola. She asked about my great faith. I had to tell her how it’s not been strong, or even noteworthy. But I did make me realize a few things.
Want to read the rest of the letter? Click part 1 and part 2
