laughing so hard my cheeks hurt

Thanks guys! If I had been drinking, I might have also squirted it out my nose.

This is my dear friend JoAnn's big New Years Eve party. As I write this we have an hour till the ball drop. The new york ball, that is. Live on a huge screen, with Sparkling apple juice for all the kids in plastic cups, and glass for the two mormons.

Sue just asked if we should give Mark another juice box or cut him off. I would get up and help, but I NEED to rest.

Pain is worse than normal. I went in for a hip MRI today. This hip/leg pain that won't go away fits the symptoms of a torn labrum. it's often torn in labor when a woman's legs are unhelpfully bent towards her ears.

I knew I would have contrast. I had forgotten that I would receive it with a needle into hip socket. That is why I did not get the test 6 weeks ago, when this rip was mentioned. So I go in, clueless. In a back room far from the MRI, they tell me what is next. Holding still, naked, being held down, alone...
...3 inch needle. During the test the only word I spoke was F#!&. I spoke it 7 times.

So sitting next to those 3 guys was perfect. Laughing so hard that I forgot (for a few seconds) that my leg felt like it was being burned off at the hip.

Happy ehfing new year, from my couch to yours.

Thank goodness I'm at a great party or I might be in a bad mood.





Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Princess and the frog is better next to an adoring 3 year old...

...and her sister. Especially while she holds a popcorn bucket she could fit in.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

I am the Catan champion!

Playing settlers of Catan. Can you guess why I'm smiling? Alex got to stay up to make it a foursome with our guest.
Grants baby brother Kenneth is over. we've had him since the first hours of Christmas Eve (late late flight.)

Its been great to have him. Tomorrow morning we say goodbye. We enjoyed
...that he is a bachelor and only brings himself to our tiny house.
....that he is not a student, hence he doesn't need to sleep in.
...both of the above mean he has much energy and capacity for our chaos and to jump on in here.
...the kids adore him
...he eats anything and wants to do anything or nothing
...he accompanied both FHE songs with a guitar.
...he borrowed a guitar and has been the biggest supplier of music this week.
....he brought fun, unexpected christmas gifts. Fresh picked and roasted nuts, diary of a whimpy kid and the creepy "ripley believe it or not" book
....he was grossed out by Grants huge barking spiders
...because he was feeling nostalgic for the Richins family event place, he picked Old Country Buffet for dinner. We are all still very happy with that choice. More so because of their new Slushie machine.

Now the game is done, with grant in 2nd and kenneth in 3rd.

Great, now he really won't want to come over.

But on the bright side.

I won. I won. I won twice in a row I WON!!!



And most of all ulcer enjoyed beating kenneth, alex and grant at the board game "Settlers of Catan" for two games in a row. The first time he would have won right after my turn. Instead of redeeming himself, I squashed him further. I did get lucky with two victory points AND largest army. I came out of the blue to win! It was such a shock that the boys have continued playing for second place.

I hope Kenneth wins because we would like to appear to be better hosts than we are. And we want him to come back.
Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

How can one spoonful...

Of peanut butter spread as far?

If you're hungry in our house, a spoonful of peanut butter is offered....
For a late breakfast
For a child who doesn't like any of the hundred foods for breakfast
For a snack for a ethiopian starving child who can't wait 5 minutes till dinner.
For a mom whose running late for a doctor appointment right before lunch.
For a ill mom who made it home, and is in more pain than she is starving. Peanut butter spoons are great reclining foods.

(ill...ill means sick, sick means something is wrong. If the something wrong is pain of an undefined region, can you call it ill? What word should I use to say my body is broken and to prevent homicide, I must rest? Is ill the right word?)

We interrupt this regularly scheduled medical rant to bring you back to the photo...

Back to spoons. Alex wanted a single slice of white bread for breakfast. His teacher and I disagree with his choice. So a peanut butter spoon is offered.

Mark recognizes it. He eats the spoon very neatly for 2 out of 3 spoons.

This morning was a 1 out of 3 mess.

In his hair from is left ear to his crown

What a fun oily mess to add to my painful morning.

What food ends up in your hair or the hair you clean up?




Post forgotten from november

And all he got was a gift card.

Joe I.  is our FHE buddy.  He’s been our sanity during the chaos of the event and been mostly on{best ever} Treat Duty.  Although anxious little hands have left him out of song duty until last week, he has jumped in with every FHE assignment.   We even took photos with him, then used them to decorated Christmas tree ornaments to remember this new friendship.   Being far removed from the Christmas Spirit, I was caught of guard when Joe walked in with a pile of presents for the whole family.  

Each of us got a present.  Very impressive presents.   Very pretty presents.  The prettiest presents in our Christmas present shelf (instead of a Christmas tree)  Ideal presents with so much thought, that we feel we’ve had gifts from a skilled gift giver.  Let me give you a sample:

Emily got vintage replicas of the original Mickey and Mini Mouse.   In the last  24 hours, they have been in her bed, in her arms, watching her play in different rooms and loved while being pursued  by a drolly baby.

Mark got a Mr. Potato Head.   I wish I would have bought one before, but there was always something else to buy.  I realize now it should have been at the top of my list years ago.  

     

This is Rachel and Emily’s reaction after Mark opened his gift.  It was to our families first ever Mr. Potato Head.  I’ve already been played with Mark 6 times with this super cool toy. It’s good enough to distract Mark while he plays in our room.  

Everyone was actually happy here as they discovered Mr. Potato Head’s different parts.  Apparently, Mr. Potato head is into S&M, with his handcuffs and all.

This photo doesn’t do our joy justice.  My eyes are all shifty as I guessed the camera placement on this self portrait.  We got  3 gift cards to a movie theater.  Now the only thing keeping us from a fun date is PICKING a movie.  Super sweet!

Alex couldn’t keep the smile off his face, even as he talked.  He got a super special airplane with a few lego pieces he’s never seen before.  He missed out on the next few turns of gifts while he put it together.  So happy, and it hasn’t faded yet.

 

 

Joe found the softest, biggest, and most cute stuffed monkey.  I love his cartoonish face.  Oh, and I must say something about wrapping.  Joe did an excellent job wrapping the gifts, in paper that stood out, with beautiful bows.  Way to go!

Joe just got a less cool gift card.  To understand why we got him a card to Black Angus, you must understand that he goes to Wendy’s for dinner pretty often.   We told him it was an “upgrade” for dinner.  The tag to his gift was started by a comment by Grant.

Dinner at Wendy’s           4.59

Monday night treats       8.99

FHE referee                        PRICELESS

Thanks Joe, I hope you realize that this is your Thank You card.   You deserve much more!

Clean table

Christmas eve.
1 am
2.5 walls done
One brother in law who is now my favorite, kenneth you rock
All photos in frames for 24 hours
All frames sorted by wall and with a digital picture of the ideal layout.

And best of all, the guys wrapping presents all day. I haven't wrapped one in days. So long that I can't remember what day it was.

Amy barry's gift tricks rocked. The gifts in 4 huge trash bags, one for each child. It made it possible to be in Emilys bed with a migraine and not be disturbed for hours. And the best gift I get credit for, instead of an imaginary more fat man.

Now we are playing games next to a room once again filled with too many gifts. Stocking stuffed with one too many "special once a year" treats.

But we are done. Done in so many wonderful ways.

BEST feeling, above the gifts and below the picture frame project,

I don't have a christmas tree or decorations to put away. Supper sweet.

Merry christmas to all and to all a good night.


Oh, aimee shaw, now that my "just one week" of borrowing your table is over, I'll get it right back to you. And yes, in my universe we have 29 days in a week.


Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Aunt Beth is so damn fun!

Emily and "Smith 2nd cousins" decorating fresh baked cookies. Dough and icing was whipped up by Aunt Beth.

It is the best tasting cookie dough Grant declares. Better than the baked cookies, which I declare to be the best EVER. Its from an out of print McCalls cook book that beth declares to be the best cookbook on the planet. The books binding has finished its disintegration. The real amount of butter and nutmeg

She almost died a few months ago. Years of Diverticulitis attacks had left her colon so scarred. The doc
said that the next stage would have been death. As it was, she hurt so bad she just didn't eat. Then they realized she was septic. And she lost 8 inches of colon. She beat me by 2 inches.

She is my funny, solid and mentally sound, cooks as fast as opening a bakery box with the taste of heaven made all day. She all swears like that old apostle, J Golden Kimball.

I can be my new self at her house. SWEET. that is worth having the one hour drive.


This morning I get a call to bring the kids with our first visit in years. They were watching 4 of 5 of Jonathans kids. Bring the kids, it will be fun on every part. We negotiated and brought the older two.

The years between visits was their choice, not ours. Remodeling with no banister to separate the 2nd floor from the stairs down. And graduate school. And illness. I missed them. We missed them.

Before this post gets so long it won't be read, or I don't get my COMPLETELY FINISHED PHOTO FRAMES up on the wall, I'll share this

Grant telling his Aunt that unlike the job she was fired from, he has few office politics

"The great thing about microsoft is that their are so many socially inept people that there are no office politics. They either can't get it together to appear that they are snubbing or they are so inept that they have no idea they were just snubbed."

Merry christmas eve to all! Grants brother kenneth is here, grants off work and making pancakes and the house is very very very happy. A very merry christmas indeed Now go eat some cookies with me!



Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

9.30 am

Photo is of emily and mark, a near home.

930 am
Nanny walks in the door.
Gathers kate for ot.
Alex cries as he has to choose between wearing 1 of 4 slippery fabric gym pants or paying me 20 dollars. At the store he solidly agreed he would wear them. So I bought them. That was a month ago. This fight was delayed because he wore shorts to school, even on cold days. Once the frost arrived, I took them out of his drawers. Three weeks later the last pair was cornered which begat much wailing and nashing of teeth today. alex wanted to spend his allowance more than the comfort achieved by slowly buying the dreaded pants from me.

So at 8.30 alex left in the van, in slippery pants, with 2.00, minus tithing, with nanny and kate to woodinville therapy.

At 8.30 grant also left the house to catch the bus to work. I felt sore, and wished I could join him. It hit me that I really could!

I asked if the bus was far enough behind time that he could buckled nearly naked mark into his stroller. With a yes, I ran to my room, threw on sweats that I probably never would swap for today clothes. Emily had got dressed before her morning chore which begat her knocking a glass off the counter which begat the choice to either learn to clean up broken glass or doing an extra chore while mom cleaned it up which begat her cleaning it up which begat a hard heart while mom taught her which begat an hour long tantrum quietly screamed in her bedroom closet. (*sigh*, so worth cleaning out a while back!)

9.34am rachel is decent, emily,s coat on, mark bundled like a caterpillar. We walk grant on the bus, kiss him goodbye and continue on our way

The smile on our faces tells me that we've reset our brains and bodies. Everyone is set to have a good day.

What a great 9.30am, a rare treat not an ideal to live up to. I had no idea what this morning will begat now.

What happened to you this morning?

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Big piece of photo puzzle, CHECK!

1 great great grandma at the top
8 great grandparents
4 grandparents

All alive when alex was born.
All in in a frame together with their titles and names in gold.

Beautiful. And its not at all because of my hand work.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Christmas sunday, minus two

mark woke up with a 102 or 104 fever. Depending on the thermometer. His nose runs clear but its so swollen!!! Obviously he is in no shape to be in a church. I'm now thankful that I didn't look for a special christmas outfit for him.

I would love to join him, warm in bed to get ready for tonight's big stake choir performance. But as you can see, the position of bed warmer goes to Grant.

Since I've sacrificed some of my health to be in ward choir, I had to perform. The music this year was incredibly thoughtful and beautifully uncommon. Because of that, I wrote the lyrics and their inspiration on two pages of the ward bulletin. I put the announcements and choir gratitudes on a half page insert It was a lot of work, started after thanksgiving. I didn't ask for permission, and planned on asking forgiveness later. I know its self centered to write about that, but I didn't want to forget. I want to remember that I worked so hard on a project, but did it little by little so my health was not affected. I hid my project because I knew I would be judged harshly and I had a few mouths in mind. I don't know about all of them, but all morning I have heard such praise about the bulletin. So clever, so beautiful, so well thought out. Thank you. Loved the words, loved all those extra things, thank you.
Some of the fears didn't come around, I didn't have to say sorry to my leaders. We ran out of programs during the meeting. What I want to take most from this was the praise. I didn't even consider that people would be thankful. Or this thankful.

This was a surprise. And it ruined my plan of not talking to anyone. Inside the bulletin, I planned on sharing the lyrics because they were worth sharing.
I know that those around me have different ideas than me about my actions, thoughts and feelings. I don't are myself changing anytime soon.

I do have more love for my family than I've ever felt and acted with. I'm glad my kids gathered happily for this photo. It reminded me of how burning happy I was to sit on a bench with sharp alex next to one hip. He hasn't kept a tie on past the chapel doors in years.

My girls snuggled together on my other side. Their two dresses and hair overlapping in a way that showed two best friend sisters. No fights this year as they put on their christmas dresses. Emily want be able to squeeze into these. Matching sizes next year.

Sitting on the bench was like sitting next to a radio. Alex and emily blasted the melody to far far way on judeas plains. I couldn't keep my loud alto up with their vigor. It was awesome!

I hear children's grumbling and feet, which tells me that church classes have been released. So I must send this and get home to rest for my other choirs performance.

Happy christmas sunday to all. I leave church happy for my work creating such happiness for me.

What happened at your christmas sunday church today?


Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

"Raising the bar...

"...for just a playdate"
Said the new sister whitmore

I said no. This toll painting project was not for the playdate. It just so happened to occur while a friend came over.

I'm trying to be happy. I want to be happy more. I wanted to be happy by enjoying emilys company. I am happy when ILM with her in a non-chore moment. Emily wanted to be happy by sharing it with her friend.


I didn't do this for a playdate. I was following the old sister Whitmores advice. I wish I would have used her great wording but its something like this....

Figure out what makes you happy. Figure out what you would do if you had a good day, a good week even. Don't wait for a good day to come along. Do it now. Do those things now, because you're going to be hurting regardless.

Have fun with whatever it is. Plan it in pieces, so the preparing for it doesn't wreck your health. Bad days come regardless of your care. So you might as well have a bad day because of fun.

So plan it. Then do it. Enjoy it. As people see you happy and active, don't be shy to tell them!!!! Tell them how you didn't do this because you were feeling better. Tell them how having fun makes you happy. Most important, tell them that you will pay. You will be in pain, in bed in exchange for those moments of happiness.

Of course you really can't tell them all that. Its not friendly and they won't get it. But when they say you must be having a good spell, honestly tell them you're not. But having this party (or whatever) will be worth it when it sends you to bed for the next week.

Something short and sweet.

I miss the advice Deb whitmore gave me. I wish she was here to help me trust again. To trust old friends, family, the church, and God. Losing that trust is a lonely, sad thing. Grant says perhaps my friends helped too much and I leaned on them too much for faith and testimony. that's what trust is anyway. I can see his view, but I can't say I feel it.

Now I'm hit so low that I can't grasp how I can trust again. And I don't have my own testimony structure to hold me up.

I think it will take a decade to sort out this post illness time. Emily will be 18 by then. Even if she is too cool for painting, I hope we have something we often do together for fun. Even if she wants a friend to join. Of course, friend or not, we have thousands of days until then. And right now is now. And now is a gold wooden mirror, two gingerbread girls, and a flower in a pot.

Boy did I hurt alot the next day. It didn't hurt bad enough to forget that But painting with Emily makes me happy. So we picked a project. We are happy. And as I lay awake in (too) early hours with pain, I knew it was worth it. The joy in her voice as we worked side by side makes it a fair trade.



Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Kate on the source of ingredients

Grant took the day off work today...one of those "use it or lose it" vacation days.

As I finish photo frames (at the rate of one per half hour), I hear the happy sounds of Grant and kate making cookies. (did you know, I married him because he could make pancakes and biscuits?) Overheard just now...

Kate:
"Chickens make eggs, and cows make milk. People don't make anything. People just makes pee-pee and poopie."


God sent is 3 year olds so we could laugh more.



I'm having another of a string of really painful days. The constant burn deep in my hip makes life hard and time slow. Feels like all the work I have put in (at doctors and PT) has really meant nothing to my pain. Lots of new and old ideas. I don't even want to bother writing them down because a new road is brought to my attention every other appointment. I hate this road I'm on right now, but changing roads is overwhelming, impossibly, too much energy. I cry too much as I fill out new doc forms, and I know I really can't handle that right now.

I sure am glad that dispite the pain that rips at my sanity and kindness, I have a husband who asks tiny hands for cooking help; for cookies and all the other treats that have come to our house and in my praising mouth; and for 3 year old girls who remind me of my place in the barn.


Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

My mommy...

"my other mommy had a christmas tree. And my other mommy lets me take baths all day. She has lots of kids. Hundreds! My mom has boys and girls. The girls are gone. They are gone at their houses. She blows bubbles with me with my mouth. Its a good thing. Its not a bad thing. My dads name is russell daddy. He doesn't talk. He is a monster and the took him away. I got a new daddy since I can't see the old one'

Kates bath babble. We still don't have a christmas tree, as you can are from the piles of frames.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Blue ginger

At a korea restaurant in bellevue,
Grant, who served his mission in korea, urged me to try it. His voice was so excited when he saw them placed on our table. That was my cur to close my eyes and take a piece.

Fishy
Salty
Crunch

They looked like feeder fish, those gray fish near the goldfish. But dried, and now their skin was opaque. You could are their. Entire skeleton. Their little eyeballs seemed to say,

Hey guys! what's for lunch?


I wish we had remembered to bring the leftover ones home. The kids would have loved them. Loved them as a toy to play with and poke.

Not to eat.



Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Dear tuesday night,

Not a fan. Try again.

Love,
Rachel

Hav you visited dearIloveyoulove.blogspot.com?

.

Orange death

This is alex's closet. That is a real pumpkin from halloween or way before in october.

I wondered how long it would have taken me to find it at the rate I clean that area. But gourds last so long right?

This one had its days numbered. From its early days it got into trouble. The russian white pumpkin mafia had been snitchrd on again. This time they realized it was their neighbor, the orange pumpkin. So early in November they stabbed HIM in the back. They knew that no one would come looking for him until next Halloween.

That may be what went down.
Or alex might have attacked it repeatedly with a paperclip, perhaps with enough knowledge about decomposition to test it under some spring jackets.

You can decide for yourself.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Failed screen saver

Photo
By Joe, our FHE buddy
An attempt to get a background for my cell phone that shows my family. No cropped off husbands. No babies heads cut off. Is that really so much to ask? I didn't give up this much for these 4 kids for half of them to be whole.

Mark cried most of the time. Their are few shots you can't tell he is crying This is because he is rotating is head faster than the shutter speed.

Kate smiled more. At the window. At the wall. At the floor. Behind herself, at me.

Grant didn't let me down. He is always fine for a family photo. As long as it is over after one shot. I'm not joking, ask him. Consequently, most faces are grimaces. Its a good thing photos can't talk. Grant sure can talk with his mouth still. Of course, one might say that my skills are greater. I can yell as I keep my face in a pretty smile. I can also come up with bribes and threats between continuous shots.

Alex and Emily have proved themselves more mature. They are looking forward for every shot. Their hands have been possessed by teenagers. At first panic, I told myself that they were imitating surfers. Hang tight and all that. Then then tongues came out, the hair started to shake. Perhaps they were just seizing. That wouldn't be so bad. But then I heard the sounds, with each gasp. They were doubtlessly head banging.

I never did get a photo that fits in my open space. I did however, get something to blog about on a night where I needed something happy to blog about.



Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Try "Alfy's"

At the end of our 48 hour date.


What we've done today:
Waited much while Grant takes his turns.
Woke up slowly, and only got out of bed because the breakfast bar was going to close
Had important discussions and wrote notes on dozens of journal pages..
-extended family relationships
-service given to our family in the last 2 years
-dreams and expectations for our children's futures
-FHE lesson and theme ideas
-control over the doctors new lists for me
the roles we want to take as parents
-why we are okay after all this
-generals feelings after this illness
-vacation and holiday plans for 2 years

Right now we are finishing a card game at Alfy's. This place is awesome! Free toys, movies, video games for kids. Game room. Banquet room. Great pizza menu, full of salads, pizza side dishes like wings, deserts, drinks. There is stories of tables and booths, including a balcony. This is awesome!

Now we drive back traffic from Lynnwood.




Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Aquire

I'm totally kicking Grants trash tonight.

Better than winning a game from my childhood (Aquire)...
Walking away from this table for 2 hours and having it look the same when we wanted to play again.

Note to all parents of young children: 48 hours really is needed for a getaway. Distance doesn't matter as much as time. Beg, borrow, bribe or steal childcare. I may or may not condone temporary child abandonment.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Heart stopping

Emily and I @ evergreen beauty college, being pampered by Carly Jasperson.

I sat in the corner while emilys long hair got its first cut in 4 years. A migraine hangover had me blind under my hat. I looked up after the blow dry, and it was 1987. I was looking in a mirror after a Fantastic Sams haircut.

The words were the same,
"oh, sweetie, you look so beautiful and grown up"

To speak the words this time instead of hearing them stopped my heart.

I can't make the words right, but it was like Emily became her own person, in my eyes, at that moment.

And she is so beautiful and breathtaking!




To look up from under my protected hat and are myself

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Romantic candlelight breakfast

If you can call romance my sleepy 4 kids while Grant is in bed. We are all happier this way.

The kids are memorized by the flame and there is no fighting.

Grant is NOT a morning person. For some reason an image of bears woken from hybernation come to mind. All 6 of us want him to get ready alone in his room. Just when the scales have tipped, he swoops out and rescues is all. He yells, I mean motivates, for the last things to be remembered. Family Scriptures and prayers, which sounds more holy than it is executed. Lately Grant walks the murderous kids a few blocks toward school. He watches them go a few more blocks while he waits at the bus stop.

This morning, however, we munch the coveted Fruit Rings by the soothing glow of candlelight. My sensitive ears heard that we have a new tradition on our hands.

Candle wednesday?

Wick wednesday? (whats a wick, mommy?)

Or fire friday?

I just hope that fire stays with them as we make them walk to school at 19 degrees, whil grant still sleeps in his bed.

What do you do differently on "special" school mornings? Poptarts on band days? Make their lunches on days you kit snooze too long?

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

what's your sign?

"Go away

Or

Do not disturb

Or

Do not enter

Or mom will have to go to the ER"

My bedroom door sign worked.

Thanks tammy r. For dropping everything to take me to evergreen safely for my previously scheduled appointments.

And thanks for understanding that paperwork and lobbies of of the ER overshadow the benefit of a shot.

I'm glad I haven't had to go today. Yet.



Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Migraine suck

This is my room. Doctors orders. I'm probably breaking them by making this post. By this is driving me a but crazy.

Please read on to the end, don't just skip "another depressing pain post"

If this doesn't work, I'm to go to the ER for "the shot". ILM not exactly sure what that is. But everyone I talk to knows.

I think I've had it before, when I woke up (2003) with my ear painfully frozen to my shoulder. 10 Min after a shot in the butt, I could move it again. And the world was oddly a very happy place.

I digress.
Today is 8 day since I had migraine #1 in this cluster. Today is #4. My super hero headache meds are only safe so often. #3 was successfully treated with my breakthrough nose spray pain med. Today that same spray made it worse, including the special (one time only) anxiety best described as hysteria.

I was told many things today as I struggled thru the day with 2 not to be missed doctor appointments.

The one I choose to write about is my hellish headache. I was told to got in a dark cave, take the super hero pill, and stay there for two hours. And if it didn't work, I needed to shot.

And try to relax.
When I'm told that, I cry. This is so hard. This time of constant, unending pain. Like I just got off a horse, then slipped in the mud, landing on my left side.

Hours of doctor appointments. Equaling several days of my winter life. And I still don't have a peaceful name to share with you all. To know why I hurt, how I feel, and what life will now be like.

What life will now be like. I don't know what this time of illness has left me with. I do know that for sure, my life will never be the same. And its a bad kind of not the same.

Yesterday I made 3 choices of fun activities. All thee could only happen yesterday. Fun enough to be worth the extra 5 bad days I would be trading for the fun.

Today I admit I made the wrong trade. This is made worse because I traded peoples view of me. I acted well. I was to nice. Then I left, laid on the floor and cried in pain. I play the part of healthy to convincingly. I'm sure reading my blog is immensely confusing to people. Sorry that its this was. Every smile has pain behind it.

I really wish I could make my brain go dark and quiet like my room.

I have to let you go now, because I've got to find my replies to drown out the screams of 6 family members. Migraines suck. I'm going to take a hot, relaxing shower in the dark.

What would you do in a dark room? Not even reading lights ladies!



Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

I forgot what happy looked like

This is me, the friday before thanksgiving.

Can you see it? My eyebrows are relaxed. My face is not wrinkled. I am happy. I was happy.

Its sunday. The worst, hardest day of the week for me. I can't even remember what I was doing that made me so happy.

Grant and dr clark tell me to hold on, I'll be happy again someday

I agree on some points. I think I'll grab moments of happiness on things I can not guess.

Now I will give in to sleep and put this whole day away. For 6 more days.

What do you think I was happy about?

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

distraction

1
2
3
4
5
6
7

Distraction from angst. But now I remembered how me hurting is making others hurting is making me sad is making me not myself is making me hide is making others hurt while I hurt.

But now is distraction

Atleast until they calmed down. Now I have time to think

Crap


Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

The view from my window, car edition

On my way home from seattle, earlier this afternoon.

The good part was that grant joined me. I was very relieved to just be a passenger for 1 hour.

I have logged 100's of miles viewing the world from this angle. I wonder if my crazy drive to california in this position puts me over 1,000 miles.

Since my view left little to get lost in, I had much time to think.

My sleep study results are in. Dispite my RX list, my sleep numbers are perfect. Better than perfect. Which means my answers are not to be found in a sleep apnea. I'm being referred to a rhumitoidologist (sp).

I won't go. I can't handle a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia. Not now. Perhaps never.

The trip to seattle was to my most trusted confidant. I feel so safe and understood. Every feeling and fear and reaction is met with calm validity. Then I walk out and it's gone. As I make my world smaller and smaller, I feel better. The less interaction with the world, the more control I have of my happiness.

It doesn't matter if its true I'm just come this point during my recovery. Yesterday was really really hard. I left crying. I pulled myself together between the bathroom and the front door. I didn't make it to the car.

Emotionally I wish I had stayed at home. But I did pick up the perfect tree ornament to remember this year. Lots of pokey points. And lots of different colored, patterned sides. I am sure leaving the year pokey. I also got a needed service, a free sewing project pass.

Back to my back seat musings...
So I feel like an injured dog. Going deep into the forest to heal and lick my wounds. I found that I wanted to get out of my house in the weeks follow each surgery. I had a free pass to be "alone to lick my wounds" Now that surgical pain and support are gone, I never want to leave. And I'm stuck being to confused to explain why I'm "barking" at nearly everyone. I don't know what to say.

I do wonder what this all means for tomorrow. Will I get to point that ignore all calls and emails? That I start even getting my groceries delivered?

I'll have plenty of time to think about it on my next back seat ride.



Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Should I stay of should I go?

Its enrichment.
But can I leave this house of giggles?
No.

But, it's 5 min till bedtime.

Bedtime or ladies?

For once I'm not sure.

But oh how these 5 giggles warmed my heart.



Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Why we will not decorate this christmas..

I want to turn the laptop photo to prints the some into picture frames with different themes

THEN

We will sort the frames and pick walls to decorate them on, the nail and laser level (grant, can we buy one please!!! ) the frames on my wall.

Forget the lit tree. My little energy is going to something that will last past Dec 26.

Deck the halls with black framed photos, fa la la la laaa la la la laaa!


So santa, all I want for christmas is
To have picture frames on my wall for the first time since...dec 2004? For sure Feb 2005

So please bear with the off cell phone photos. There is much to our lives that I don't want to miss.

Happy photo-olidays to you!

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

They grow up so fast

Kate says, looking at a stamp on her hand,

This mark means I'm a teenager.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Many she is a pregnant teenage teenager?

She is eating a peanutbutter and cheese sandwich with pickles on top.



Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone