The view from my window, car edition

On my way home from seattle, earlier this afternoon.

The good part was that grant joined me. I was very relieved to just be a passenger for 1 hour.

I have logged 100's of miles viewing the world from this angle. I wonder if my crazy drive to california in this position puts me over 1,000 miles.

Since my view left little to get lost in, I had much time to think.

My sleep study results are in. Dispite my RX list, my sleep numbers are perfect. Better than perfect. Which means my answers are not to be found in a sleep apnea. I'm being referred to a rhumitoidologist (sp).

I won't go. I can't handle a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia. Not now. Perhaps never.

The trip to seattle was to my most trusted confidant. I feel so safe and understood. Every feeling and fear and reaction is met with calm validity. Then I walk out and it's gone. As I make my world smaller and smaller, I feel better. The less interaction with the world, the more control I have of my happiness.

It doesn't matter if its true I'm just come this point during my recovery. Yesterday was really really hard. I left crying. I pulled myself together between the bathroom and the front door. I didn't make it to the car.

Emotionally I wish I had stayed at home. But I did pick up the perfect tree ornament to remember this year. Lots of pokey points. And lots of different colored, patterned sides. I am sure leaving the year pokey. I also got a needed service, a free sewing project pass.

Back to my back seat musings...
So I feel like an injured dog. Going deep into the forest to heal and lick my wounds. I found that I wanted to get out of my house in the weeks follow each surgery. I had a free pass to be "alone to lick my wounds" Now that surgical pain and support are gone, I never want to leave. And I'm stuck being to confused to explain why I'm "barking" at nearly everyone. I don't know what to say.

I do wonder what this all means for tomorrow. Will I get to point that ignore all calls and emails? That I start even getting my groceries delivered?

I'll have plenty of time to think about it on my next back seat ride.



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