A love letter

Dear Hydro-Morphine,

Just writing to say hello.  And, well, I really wanted to tell you how much I love you.  It’s so hot when you take my pain away.  Especially the burning scar pain.  I soooo love it when you take that pain away! But that’s not the only reason I love you.

I love how me make me see the world.  The trees are greener, the tulips are brighter when you’re with me.   And when I count, every thing is more. 

Like today.  I loved how much money the kids raised from the neighbors for their schools walk-a-thon.  They earned over 65$!   But then Julie, (who only loves Advil) said it was only 60$.    So she wrote that down.   You and I know what they REALLY EARNED.

But like every love affair, I gotta let you know, there are some things about you I don’t like.  So we need to have “a talk”.   Why must you stop the pain and my digestion?   Some things are not okay to stop.  So, love, I can’t keep being with you if you prevent one of the most basic  human functions.  

Darling, don’t  cry, I still love you.  I just need some alone time okay?

You know you are so great, and you’re the best I've ever had,.   I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that.  However,  our love is running low.   And I don’t see how I can ask for any  more of you.   And.     Well.

This is so hard to write.   How do I tell you?   Well, it’s no you , it’s me.  Sometimes I call on oxycodone instead of you.    There, it’s out.    You have no idea how much it pains me to switch.  I don’t want to!    I love YOU!  

No man is an island…..Honey, there are more people than just you and me in this world.   The vote is in, I need to make a change.  So I wanted to let you down easy, before you never see me again.   If it makes you feel better, oxycodone won’t stay around for long before I switch to plain old hydro-codone.   

Please, I know what you’re thinking.  I’m not a player.   But I have to be true to myself.  And the truth is, I don’t need you anymore.   The worst of the pain is over.  It’s time to step down.  The doctors say in another week, I’ll be amazed how much better I feel.  And I already feel so great.   Of course, these last two weeks I’ve felt great WITH you.    But lately, well, you’ve seen the signs….You know how I haven’t called in the middle of the night?  And I don’t run to you first thing in the morning?  It’s because I’m getting better. 

Dear, wonderful Hydro-Morphine,  don’t despair in losing me.  There plenty of fish in the sea, plenty of freshly wounded people who are praying for someone JUST LIKE YOU.  

Ill see you around.  Hope we can still be friends.

Love always,

Rachel

Confidence I now dream of...

This is Emily. On the way home from school. With a fancy, grown up purse as a school bag..thanks Leanne J!

2nd grade, most kids have hannah montana on their backpacks. Of course, most of you know E had picked her own way thru the fashion world since she could say NO.

I wish I could borrow some of that confidence. I don't hurt as much as I thought I would. But I do hurt. Worse than pain is my alien body. I feel worse than a toilet training toddler. Everything feels different and wrong and odd and sometimes painful. Potty training again is sure hard!

I am not sure if that's worse or when I have the desire..but I sit.
And sit.
And sit.
And my brain can't send or receive the right signals.
Since I don't recall being 2, and I have no elder sitting with me to help me learn...sometimes I cry.

Oh Lord, help me be patient. Help me not think the pain will kill me. Give me the confidence that I will feel better and learn to be a grown up again soon.

Please soon.





Thanks.

Thanks that I survived the process to have surgery. Thanks that I lived. That I slept soundly as the 3 surgeons hands were guided so well. Thanks that I'm right track for healing.

Thanks for the nanny, and the others who bring meals, take laundry, borrow babies, my sanity... so that THIS time I am healing with love and peace. Thank you that I can walk and sit again. I missed it. But I sure don't miss the pain.

And thanks for listening to the prayers and fasting of hundreds, so that this time it was done right. Thanks for their faith. Thanks that you didn't give up on mine, even when I didn't like it.


Thanks.



Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Baby, you can drive my car.....

.....and baby I love you!

I survived my first outing! Shopping along with my mom and the kids. Sure was fun to see the little ones in the car cart.

My mom flew home yesterday. Now I must walk and eat right without her encouragement.

I'm off. Tiny step by tiny bite.


Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Hat off to C-sections , Day 5

Last night I hurt.

So I took a shower, to relax my back with the spray of hot water. 

It worked

My bandage got soaked.  So much for waterproof!

I call the nurses.   I took it off.

Rarely has panic so quickly and so deeply gone into my entire being.   I thought  string held me together.  I saw three and looked away.  My mom, and morbidly  curious nanny counted them (oh yeah, me and the nanny, we’re tight like that.)   Someday I’ll ask.  Or I’ll just wait until next Monday and count as they are taken out. 

So how do you do it?  Really?  How? 

Have a c-section, be stapled shut, and go home to care for a new baby?

But then I look at pictures like THIS. 

And I remember why this time of pain is worth it.

I will lift again.  Already I’m walking.  I’m walking more in the last 3 days than I’ve walked in the last 3 months.   The “AFV” style pain is gone.  

I can sit and sit and sit.   And stand and walk. 

Oh isn’t it so loverly!  

Day four, hospital no more :(

More later…but after Dinner I’m heading out of here.  Thanks for the many visitors:

AmyB, Amiee S.(for my hooker gold toes), Naomi, Sarah L, Catherine, Maws, Amy and Damon, Seamons (sorry I was asleep!) Amy W., Michelle B, and my husband and kids. 

I’ve been cheered beyond measure, and my pain and and my forced activities were much easier due to the time you took to be with me.   Thank you!

I’m not ready to go home.  I like the care, I like the movable bed, I like the food.  I’m not ready with this alien body to return home.  

But the doctor gave me the boot.  He’s worried about secondary infection.   I’m worried about dealing with my alien body away from hospital linen’s and bathrooms and bed. 

Here I go….tonight after dinner, before bedtime….

I’m really enjoying drop in visitors and texting and email!  I’m just to exhausted to talk on the phone loud enough…

So….feel you soon warm weather, see you soon kids….

And thanks for all the love for the start of this time!

Day 2, I walked!

Thank you for all the prayers! I was a tough night. The spinal block I got to "hide" the pain for 18 hours didn't work. The nurses were great at increasing the "push button" pain meds.

This morning I even walked around the "block", and am sitting in a chair. Thank you Valium! It's stopped the cramping that made moving impossible.

I'm up for friends. Thanks Amy and Amiee for coming last night to visit at just the right time. They kept my mind amused while I was forced to sit on the edge of the bed for an excruciating half an hour. And Amy painted my toenails her signature "Hooker Yellow"

I saw my doc today. There is no talk of going home yet. I got to eat Jello this morning and I'm waiting for some broth. YUM!

Keep the prayers coming. I need to stay positive and float away from the pain. Calls and visits and email are really helping that. Thank you thank you thank you!

I hope I haven't offended anyone. I realized I've been acting "entitled" to help , where really, charity is a gift given, not forced. Love you all, (but maybe that's the five pain drug talking!"

Rachel, really Rachel typing on her own

ps, what did I write near my surgery sites?? Mostly bits from Isaiah 58:12. And on one leg..."Open, come in"

Out, out, out, out.

I'm out of surgery. About one foot of my bowel came out, but my uterus stayed. I'm in a lot of pain right now. Please don't let that stop you from visiting. They're going to keep me up until 10pm anyways just to take my vitals. I'll be stuck here for a few days, and I would really love the distractions of visitors or phone calls.

Written from Evergreen Hospital, Silver Tower, Room 8064. The phone number here is 425-899-4515 (at least until my mom brings me my cell phone we left at home).

Do you want to know what I wrote on myself?

Check in time: 12:30PM

Surgery time will be 2pm.   That’s going to make it a fun morning!  They say if I’m shaky, lightheaded, I can come in early to get a sugar IV, and just wait and WAIT in the hospital until it’s time.

I’m feeling calm today.  I’ve just started “go-lightly”  y.  e.  a.    h.

Anyway, after a thoughtful blessing I received last night from my home teachers, I think I’m all ready to go.  That is, all ready for someone to bring my cardboard box if I spend to much time with the family to get it into something cute.  I’ll just look like a Zmolek in May, going to Vail, Colorado!  

Yestersday we also had Mark’s one year photos taken.  And snuck in a kids ‘n mom photo too!

If you want to see the pictures go to

www.smilesbywire.com

Name:  Rachel Richins

Access Code LTPP0211111732JCP

Enjoy!!!

The last dance

My last baby. My last dances, cheek to cheek. Tears over my last baby bounced and twirled away. Tears from my last baby dissolved into laughter as we swayed and dipped. My last diaper changes. He'll be so much heavier when I can lift him again on June 12.

Than you NieNie for this story that give me hope and peace. I can, I will wait these next 8 weeks with joy. Thanks to you, I knowing that my arms, with their perfect skin and cute freckles, will be able to scoop up my last baby, my obedience* baby. (*and that's another post entirely)

And we will dance again, cheek to cheek. To his song. To my sisters opera CD's. To nothing but the house noises of a family of 6. And we will twirl and we will bounce.

I love you Mark. I hope you don't remember these next 8 weeks of rejection. I love you and only want to makes sure my body is strong enough to hold my future grand babies....otherwise I would always pick you up.

Maybe with your smiles and recent giving of little gifts, maybe you can pick me up out of the post surgery blues. Give me a smile. Give me your frown melting laughs. Thanks baby!

Never been so glad to be "normal"

Update:  Echocardiogram results, both resting and active (kill me now) were normal.  Phew.  Normal!

Oh.  Normal.   Now I really have to think about the surgery. .....Nah!  Instead, Guess what this is?

Leave a comment...winner gets a new (to you) pair of earrings.   Really, just leave a comment cause I'd love to see them get above ten.  Just one, before I die on the table!

********(update Thursday)***no one got it!  sorry, no prize! (music, whah, whah, whaaaah)  check the comments for my true story that did not involve Aliens.   Oh, and the marks are almost 2 inches across.****

One heart in the right place

Last night I was nervous.  Surgery.  Family.  Pain.  Family.  Recovery.   My heart.....oh, my heart.   I failed my EKG.   So today I go in for an Echocardiogram, resting and on a treadmill. 

I gather from the panic in the nurses voice, that this could me that my surgery is postponed, or will change.  Like I'll be awake, but numb from the waist down.....I really am guessing, I can't think of a bad outcome.  I'm 30, my heart should be fine.  right?

 

Instead of worrying, I got busy being positive.  I had printed some positive photos I had on my phone.  Cute kids, flowers at Microsoft, lay down....

I knew I was going to taken them to the hospital, but what then....tape to an IV pole?  I wasn't sure.   Until last night. 

 

 

This is the finished project: a picture board to inspire me anywhere.  To big to be forgotten like a bag album.  Kay, you see why I love it?

I think I'm going to be okay.   For this week.   Please remember, I can't do this alone!

Please remember these next few weeks that I need to borrow you hope, your faith and your happiness.   I promise you'll get something good back.            Thank you.       Oh, God, bless us all!

On the 5th day before surgery, my angels did for me:

Six

given Easter dinner  (I won't embarrass her, but thanks for the complete Easter Dinner for our whole family.  I secretly wanted to be invited somewhere, and this was better.  Because the crying kids went to their rooms!  and the pie, oh I didn't know I loved Banana Cream Pie until Easter.  THANK YOU!!!)

 

Five

planted primrose (SPRING SPRING SPRING!)

 

 

Four

kids love their other mom (nanny Julie after taking Emily to a tea party, she also bought the tiara)

Three

back massages, (how could I put my back out right before surgery!!)

Two

on one last date,   Just talking and enjoying the new season.  (Spring blossom tour of Microsoft)

One

painless IUD removal (won't need it with tied tubes on Friday, so no more new pictures like this)

 

and encouragement that

I can keep this happy spirit

and

I'll do fine during surgery

.

Which is so priceless, it can't be counted.

April showers with Easter flowers

Everyone was dressed so lovely today. My girls dressed themselves....decorate with frills from their Easter baskets. Sunday was peaceful and bright inside the church. Our small choir sang well. It will be my last time bring one of two altos for a while.

This week

Surgery is this week.

Panic....breath.......remember the flowers.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Spring has awaken my soul

Flowers
Bloomall over
Microsoft campus
I am happy
To see
to touch
I smile
Finally I really smile
Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Potato Hats, Mashed

Some things are inevitable.  Giving Mark his first whole bowl of mashed potatoes, for instances, is going to be MESSY.   So of course, I had my camera handy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fork, who needs a fork?                               I have two hands to eat with

Oh, here's the fork for this hand......and it makes it in the mouth!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now lets play hide seek........

Is there  mashed potatoes here?

  How about here?  Hmm, is THAT potato?                                                                                                                                                           

 

Now the foods almost gone, he must check to see if he's missed any

  a

and

now

drum

roll

please

dadadadadadadadadadad

DUM!

TA DA!

 

Love,

your mom

On the 9th Eve of Surgery, my angels gave tome...

3 children on Amoxicillin

 

 

(Mark has sinus and ear infection, Katelyn has sinus infection, Alex has strep.  For Mark it's his 5th infection in 5 months, now we're trying to get HIM in for surgery on the adenoids.)

 

 

 

2 weeks of laundry done by friends

 

 

See we REALLY need washed clothes .

(those of you who know Emily are.laughing.  This was the Monday after someone did our laundry last time, and she CHOSE to wear this!!)

 

 

And1 bribe for my lawns mowed

 

(Yes, I threw my back out a few hours later, but it was totally worth a few hours fun in the sun with my babies,a  borrowed dog and fresh mowed lawn!)

 

 

Thanks to my many readers and few brave commenters!  There's still time to sign up on http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/612225

I know it's not as easy as setting up a blog, but I do want to know who wants to be call when help is needed on the first week after surgery or even 2nd month!  

Reading this blog is enough help for some.  It is one of the most fun things I do.   I wish I could be spotofsunshine at blogspot, but I'm better at what I really am, reality. 

(did you do it?  were you so curious that you looked up spot of sunshine?)

**UPDATE***about lotsa of  helping hands

If you were part of the Whitmore community, you can also be part of mine.  You can use your same name and password.  Just change from their community to mine on a drop down button (TOP RIGHT of the page)  that says "switch community"  You still need to get approved by signing in to my community number 612225  (hence the /c/612225 after the name)

Good luck!

What baptism dress do you like best?

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

Alex's life: from his perspective

Alex is sick today.  Fever up to 104, runny nose.   His nose is raw now, and his temp is back up, since we forgot to watch the clock for more Advil.  Instead we waited until he was screaming with each nose wipe to realize something might be up.  Yeah, we are so the best parents. 

I present to you, Alex, with subtitles by Alex:

"These horses creepy.  I'm the little guy, standing next to my Great-Granddad.  Those are his horses.   Um....why are they trying to make eye contact?"

 

 

"These are my first pets.  They are sea monkeys and hard to spot, unless you look thru the magnifying spots.  They lived 5 years"

Mom, "um Alex, this photo is 3 years old....And you don't have them anymore."

Alex, "Opps, sorry mom!"

"Ahh, don't jump on me!  Especially with a baby! Mom, what's that white line for?"

Mom, "That white line is where the new part of the house will end.   You guys are jumping on where our bed is today"

"Mom, Look!   It's white dirt!  And Emily's covered in it.  Cool!" 

Mom:  "NO THAT IS NOT DIRT.  Let's see if anyone remembers what it is.  That is a whole new blog"

 

"My party is the worst party ever!" 

Mom:  "NO, you were the worse baby ever!  You cried all day and all night.  Unless we took you outside, naked, in the winter. "

Alex, "Drat!  I guess I'll stop the photos there.  Isn't that one funny?"

Mom, "Yes, now it is!  You certainly became a wonderful boy who doesn't cry all the time!.   Now go to bed, it's late.  And you need to get feeling better.  Now your Advil must be working on that fever and headache.  Maybe we'll do this again tomorrow!"

Alex, "no, no , not bed!  nononononono!"

Mom, "A L E X  it is time.  No more bargaining.   Goodnight my first son!  I love you!  Thanks for picking some of your favorite photos for this blog!"

Alex, "ZZZZZZZZZZZZ"

Getting my new bumper or the slicing and dicing of me.

March 18 and 19th  we met with the surgeons.  Wow.  I didn't know.   I think there is  a reason some details aren't revealed until you commit to a surgery.  Or....Maybe....I just didn't hear them the first time because I was so excited to get out of pain.

Main surgery is April 17.  Wow, that is soon!  This is what happens that day:

Doc #1 and Doc #2

1. Lower anterior Resection
2. Rectopecxy
3. Colopexy
4. Utero sacral ligament plication
5. Tubal Ligation
6. Hysterectomy (that will be decided by the surgeon while he's working

Doc #3

     7.   site specific systocele repair trans vaginal approach.  (old style, 30% failure rate, but NO chronic pain rate, like the better surgeries.

3-7 days in Evergreen Hospital.  I'm betting 5, knowing my history.  

8 week no lifting after the surgery.   That's anything over 20 pounds.  My youngest child is 25 ish pounds now. 

Oh.     Dear.    That's not until June 12.    

w

o

w

THEN I GET ANOTHER SURGERY!

3 months after this surgery, another outpatient "procedure" is needed.  Yep.  Get to be put under again to "finish my new bumper".  It should be a shorter recovery.  But might be a more painful first week.  He won't know until he's in the middle of the surgery.   It all depends if he needs to cut above or below the nerve.   I WANT ABOVE, no pain!!!!!

O

H

.

D

E

A

R

 

I might lose 6 inches, I might lose 16 inches ...of redundant colon.

I might wake up without my uterus.   No!  You can't have a hysterectomy without a cake!  (Right Holly O?)  I won't know if I am saying goodbye or see you later when I go under. 

I've know this for several weeks.  I think I have good reason to be sad.  Or grumpy.  Or rude,because I'm thinking of serious stuff.  And I have a good reason to be happy and really enjoy this short time of health and fun with my kids before it all changes again.  I'm scared.

Before I even get to the hospital, I get to "Go-litely" at home to prepare.  Anyone want to join my party?

APRIL FOOLS!

I am so no pregnant! We know our families are overjoyed to now know that I'm getting my tubes tied during the surgery.

TMI? Nope, everyone and their aunt have been asking about the future of my uterus, so this announcement can't be more private than those questions!

Later today I'll post the surgery details.....

Hope you laughed yesterday. I've been planning this for months. That was my happy place in my brain to make each horrible hour worth a joke!

p.s That was MY real pregnancy test, showing MY true pregnant nature with baby Mark.

Sent from my Windows Mobile Phone

I want to help out, how can I know what you need?

The best way you can help up is to sign up on the virtual calendar of needs and volunteer spaces on http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/612225

The following is a list we've shared with helping/giving groups. Half of these items are listed on the above website for people to sign up for. The other half (visitors, help at church, Visitors, lawn help, visitors) of things on this list don't have a sign up.

If you've clicked here, you probably want to help. And we REALLY want you help. Call Rachel. Stop by for a visit. You don't need to bring anything. You don't need to do any work. Just talk with me, about your day, about your family, about the book/movie you liked.

And now with the ramblings over, I give to you THE LIST!

Richins Needs

for April 17th Surgery and July follow up procedure

1. Rachel will be in the hospital around 5 days. Surgery is on a Friday. Please let people know that she would love visitors, from the moment surgery is over until she leaves. Especially on that first Sunday. She’s never been in the hospital this long before.
2. Rachel will not be able to lift over 20 pounds (Mark is 25) for 8 weeks. (that’s June 12) Squatting down to help children is also forbidden.
3. Three months (Late July) after this main surgery, Rachel will have an outpatient surgery to finish the “new bumper.” It might include more recover restrictions. We’ve been assured that it is a tiny recovery next to the April Surgery. But it will be greater pain during the shorter recover.
4. NEED: Before/After surgery: Rachel shouldn’t drive due to the side effects of the meds she’s on. Rides to different doctor appointments. Tammy Risenmay has been a leader in getting the rides assigned. Those are listed on http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/612225 (anyone is welcome to register)
5. NEED: Our children sent to sit with different families for Sacrament Meeting. Going to sacrament meeting is important during recovery, to help keep Rachel’s emotions and spirits up, but not be hurt by the kids. We found that this 1 hour was an easy time for people to serve by taking one kid per family. (church help)
6. NEED: Childcare during Grant’s few Sunday meetings/Home Teaching for about 7 weeks after Rachel’s mom leaves (April 23). (hopefully church help)
7. Sometimes childcare is needed before/after nanny is here. She is not always flexible. This is also something we can post online/work with VT for. We are so grateful for our Nanny at a price we can afford for 8+ hours a day.
8. NEED: (according to Grant) Rachel needs visitors, when she’s stuck in bed. In bed at home and especially at the hospital. Face to face, not just phone calls.
9. Dinner for the weekends, Starting April 18tt and possibly for some weekends? We will add days that we would like meals to the website, so all groups can be involved. (see #4)
10. After surgery, probably a couch brought in again for Rachel to lie on during sacrament meeting. (church Help)
11. Frequent Priesthood blessings for our family. This has been forgotten before by ourselves, and when things start to get tough post-surgery, this is the first step in moving forward again. (church help)
12. Laundry. The first 3-4 weeks after surgery are the worst. Grant thinks he can continue to wash and dry the laundry. Our children already sort the dirty clothes and put away the clean clothes. If things get more overwhelming than we anticipate, we’ll ask for help doing loads.
13. Shopping: VERY HELPFUL! We have created 6 meals that we have every week. We have lists of what we need from each store (Costco, Cash and Carry, Any Kroger store, Trader Joes.) We have stocked up on most items. Letting people know that if they are able, to add us on to their own store trip, would be helpful.
14. NEED: Outside chores (Grant hates, we used to pay, but money is tight, and Rachel can’t due to back, and Grant doesn’t have time or energy to do it at 11pm)
a. Mowing lawn
b. Weeding lawn and flower plots
c. Sprinkling grass seed and dirt on bare areas (or old weed area)
d. NO SPRAY CHEMICALS, The youngest two are especially sensitive, and this lawn needs to be played on.
e. Trim the front 3 bushes
f. DREAM: rake up the moss. Sprinkle down more grass seed and dirt in the thinner areas
g. DREAM: Divide the daisy bushes, replant nearby
h. DREAM: Move the irises from the front bed to another bed, remove the weeds, and turn that bed into all grass.
i. We’d love a yard cleanup project day with the youth (as suggested by the bishop), with the day set far enough In advance that we’d be able to include our neighbors, DREAM of GRANT: Pave our front lawn and paint it green.

Now we have to postpone the surgery

All this planning, plane tickets, nanny's on contract, friends and church and school and coop people ready to help.

And now it all has to be put on hold.  

The pain won't be fixed on April 17.

I'm

so

shocked

how

everything

can

change

because

of

one

tiny

line

well...this sure gives us allot to think about.  Yes, the cell phone took a crappy photo.   I swear, this is my real test with a real second line. 

I don't even want to think about the yelling my doctors will do.

My postpartum OB(that I've had since the day I moved here)  said she would quit if I was pregnant again. 

If she was serious, does anyone know any docs that test and use natural RX for estrogen and progesterone deficiencies?

I guess I better tell Grant before someone tells him.  Maybe I can text him?  Or just email this link?   I love you Grant!  I was using birthcontrol!  Call me when you are calm.  Grant will be an awesome dad of 5.

UPDATE::  Grant knows now.  See his response at his blog