How to be wet and warm

My physical therapy pool is warm. Warm enough for muscles to relax, but cold enough to run without overheating.

I think something shifted in my hormones. Or maybe my body knows the sun is gone for the year. Maybe I'm like a lizard that needs the sun to feel warm

Whatever the reason, I'm the only one who complains how cold the pool is. Today I remember to put a hat in my swim bag.

doesn't this photo sing,
"one of these is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong."

Standing in a swimsuit, swim shoes (what do you think you wear on a water treadmill?), in a small pool, towels nearby and a (coordinating) winter hat...i looked so smoking hot!

For the first time this season I was warm! Even after I ran (1.8 mph, .11 miles) I didn't get hot.

I'm so happy to be warm! Now if I could only find a hat that matched my black and white coat....

What would be your perfect color and style of winter hat? I prefer two braids by the ears....


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Wet or dry?

I'm here right now.
By the time this posts I'll be running on the underwater treadmill. Actually, walking.

Where are you?
Are you wet or dry?

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Lost in space..sweater

No photo tells the story of this sweater.
It is the coolest piece of clothing Mark has. Or should I have said hottest?

The stars even glow in the dark on this handmade treasure. Pricey for any recovering Zmolek, my sister splurged on this gift for my last child. She was so excited that she told me about it before she came.

She came to hold my very last ever infant. He was weeks old. He could be wrapped twice in it. The hood dwarfed his soft head.

Today he wore it, even posed with it like countless other times. I had feared it lost in recent months. The saturn peaked out at me from under used shirts.

The planets, the spaceships, the flying saucer with an alien in the window. All were back on his back, fitting just right. Too right. One more growth spurt and I'll notice its small. By spring, when I continue to stuff his chubby arms in the sleeves, I'll know I've got to let go.

Which leads me to my sister. Things went wrong, and she was too small during this overwhelming illness, I had to out our relationship aside for a while. But I wonder if it is the right fit now. I don't know if I have it in me to.......
See what I mean? I don't even have a word to finish the sentence.

If not now, when? At some point I need to let this go. Would this time be better if I had her around me?

I have no answer, just silence in my head.



Since words escape, I rely on my eyes instead. And I see a happy happy boy wearing a imaginative sweater, given only with love.

Did you ever feel sorrow when you outgrew something?

p.s. Thanks to big brother who helped our model stand still!


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The back of space

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Where I was

My retreat was more than an overnight hotel stay. I got to be part of a reality movie.

My night away was also a spa treatment with electrolysis. They say their wire hair glue and medical tape takes years off. Or was it layers off that take years to grow.


Really, I spent spent 22 hours in room 5 at a sleep disorders clinic.

Tell the truth, did you think judgmentally,

"why does she need a night away when she has a nanny? She gets every day away from it all!"

Just wondering.


I wish I could say I enjoyed my time. But really, it was exhausting to be forced to take 5 naps underthose conditions. Never knowing when they would start or stop.

After forgetting that the camera was always on when I checked on the new born baby on TLC, my butt was filmed for posterior. I mean posterity.

Today burning question..oh wait, the only burning this is my skin under the adhesives...

Did you know where I really was just from the body decorations?

P.S. Amy B, you ruined my announcement from your post. ;-) Funny that a neighbor had a sleep study on the same night. HE got to have video games in his room. But I was just as thrilled with my novel cable tv.


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Would it be

Would it be considered an affair if I kissed grant while looking at shirtless vampires? On my way to new moon. Finally!

I have the best

Visiting teachers. Tammy brought this by early in the month. Its made our table festive for every dinner in nov.

I have the best wheat free family. No one even mentioned missing rolls. Alex was glad we didn't have that nasty stuffing!

Emily has many demands for the day, and I thibj we managed to make her happy. Alex was crying for a normal dinner like me all day.

Still smiling at emilys interest in preping the turkey. She even wiggled the neck free herself and never once said gross. I didn't learn that till I was 17. she,s 9 years ahead of me!

Thanks to my other Vt tina for the turkey. We would not have bothered without it, and I would have missed out teaching.
Time to clean up and watch the recorded parade. I do love a parade!!

What do you like or hate about parades?

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The view when I open the door to my room

Man, it's times like today that it hits me what a beautiful place I live in. I'm not far from home. This is the view right outside the building I'm staying at. I can see things like this when I walk around my neighborhood.

I'm thankful grant wanted to work here since he was 8. I'm thankful I met and married him. I'm thankful he got his dream job and we are living in this beautiful part of the world. In the middle of the kind of stuff calendar pictures are made of.

Since I live here, when I want to get away, my mind dreams of the new mexico desert. Shades of brown, so flat you can are for miles. Mountains jutting up high and snow covered. Mmmmm, mountains.

Long ago I had dinner every night growing up with 14,000 ft mountains filling up the sky. Colorado rockies. Snow on the top all year round.

Here I can often catch sight of tall mount ranier, with its lone high snow covered peak. Other shorter mountains far behind my hilly area have snow seasonally. Different kinds of beauty, but still beauty. Since I live in one, I miss the other.

What king of landscapes to you forget to appreciate there? What to you miss?

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Breakfast without children's eyes

Fritos, vanilla ice cream, raspberry sherbert...
I'm eating it because I can.

it's just like corn flakes with milk

I'm so happy to not have to sneak or quickly eat it.

Best of all,
The mini bar here is free.

So I'm making my dad proud by taking full advantage of free.

What would you eat for breakfast if you had a mini bar that was free?

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My sweet accommodations

I'm here! Checked in and ready to go. I really needed a night away from everyone. Being a mom is so overwhelming. Sometimes you just have to take a break to stay healthy. Love the digs, the bathroom has the most cute glass tile. I forgot how much I like the look of it The best feature is these thick drapes that seem to absorb all sound. So cozy! Now is the hard part. Do I enjoy the luxury of cable or do I just lay in bed.

Oh, grant. Hi! Sorry I didn't tell the kids goodbye Hope alex,s scout presentation on shakespeare went well. He did such a good job writing it alone

Dear reader, or Amy,does it bug you when I use some like this on my blog,s post? Wonder why? Or are you so smart you guessed it? Its because I often type from my cell phone. It takes three extra clicks to get an ' and i don't care enough to slow my train of thought. It takes one click to use a , instead. So I do. Or I skip it. Sometime it's easy and I'll use it, only because the smart phone guesses right. Sometime it guesses a word wrong and I get ILM instead of I'm or thibj instead of think. Even smart grant hasn't solved that one!

What bugs does your phone have?
And are you judging my night away yet?

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Stage fright

It was time for their first performance this weekend at mary asplunds house. What a kind friend and parent she is. Such a beautiful view of the mountains during this beginner heavy recital.

It would be true to say that you could tell which of my kids practiced more

Or which of my children is a natural stage performer.

Emily shone with her baptism dress on. She was the best example of a graceful ending, perfect bow, and and calm exit. Calm enough that I got I photo with my nearly dead battery camera.

New to severe jitters, alex also discovery what it was like to have an overflowing room of quite people looking at him. He was up and down so fast that I have no photo. I did manage to get a tint video of his song. He was the first beginner to go, second person on the double sided program. His need for speed and stage fright led him to places his fingers had never been. If we had been sitting in the front row seats with the children, we could have knelt by him with encouragement.
You couldn't tell he was more practiced than emily. His short time practicing his weekly lesson did not affect his love of hayride. Often two short rendition would be declared DONE! By our hurried pupil. It frustrated me how well he played without his book open.
But his beautiful song was choked by nerves. And no one knew or acknowledged that his finger was still growing back as he started one handed to learn this song. He played it so well so quickly after to code of notes was revealed.

8 weeks of lessons. I'm slightly proud and slightly sad. Perhaps this is it as I am set to leave lessons after I have two babies returned to my schedule.

Ending note should be the end. Cite bags of cookies were decline by eager to please me children. Made me so proud to are their commitment to wheat. They got a bah of cotton candy at home. Grant returned delayed to the car after packing up chairs. Where are my cookies? I'm hungry did no one get me some?
Even the kids were upset at his plan to ditch the diet and eat IN FRONT of we committed to the wheat free diet. I wonder if the kids will remember the wheat or the nerves from their first piano recital.

What was your first recital like and what did you do?

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A better beat

The kids in 4th grade did a big paper. They went thru all the editing steps. They made outline, drafts, edited personally and a neighbors. Wrote the final again in best handwriting. They even colored a wolf body to go along with the subject.

Everyone wrote about a wolf. Everyone was given the same paper to color.
Everyone wrote their names on the back.

This left is in the dark as we looked for alex's big finished product.

We asked the teacher and she quickly replied.
I remember. alex's wolf was colored more vividly and unique.

She found it with no effort.

He added several layers of lines and color around the muzzle.

I am so proud of my son who danced to a different beat.

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As bad as it could get

 

I had a memory to night that left  me feeling crushed.  Really crushed, like I’m being sat on and can’t breath.  Tears streamed down my eyes as I realize how limited I still am for this Christmas.   This memory, sparked by today’s reality left me pondering one thing.  Was it worse?

Christmas morning, 2 years ago, at my sister’s house in Utah.  Wearing huge  Jammies to cover my 8 month preggers belly. 

It was a really fun Christmas.  Most of the time, 7 of my 9 siblings, and their families were packed into J’s house.  It was the first (and last) time for years that all 5 sisters were together.  My mom is the “girl” in black.

I was already ill from the pregnancy.  By this point, I could stand NO fat, there are little protein sources with no fat.   I ate every hour to stay nourished, sometime a gallon of Jell-O a week.  I even made pig and turkey cut outs of Jell-O to feel a part of the big Christmas eve dinner. 

I was already having bad pain, like I was hit between the legs with a huge metal baseball bat.  My back ached, and not the normal pregnancy ache.  It was painful to get around, and exploded if I didn’t have an afternoon siesta with my legs raised.

Now with all that extra info, let me set the stage for this memory:

Every evening the pain would spike.  Family games would help keep my mind off it.   Sometimes board games, sometimes the coveted Wii.   Everyone was sweet and move next to the couch. My couch for those 2 weeks.  I would take up an entire side, usually with 3 supportive pillows.  I was so miserable, even with the joy of this holiday.  We rarely get together for holidays like this. 

Around 10:30, people would head off to bed.  Most nights I stayed on the couch, debating.   Do I take 1 vicodin or 2? 

As I lay on the couch, sometimes joined by my husband playing Wii, I anxiously waiting for the smell. I actually have a smell, and certain tickle  in my nose like I had sniffed powdered sugar while baking.  When the smell hit, I knew that the pain would be gone enough in 15 minutes.  I had to hurry to bed then, to fall asleep before it peaked. 

In those minutes that seemed like hours, I had too much time to think.  I still can remember it all vividly, as I repeatedly chanted my hopeful mantra,

“I will be so much better

by next Christmas,

this is the worst it will be”

 

 

It wasn’t.  and…  I wasn’t.

Art exhibit

Today I took my husband to the new exhibit in town. He even took the day off to see it with me.

Seattle is a hot spot for art. Art museums, galleries and exhibits

We are blessed to have it, and hopefully soon we'll get to make ourselves art docents.

This piece was especial nice, and left quite the impressive impression with me.

Until we are the docents, we will just enjoy the view! Today we have this. Beautiful native american metal piece. Made by the tribe AJ, also known as the Alexander Joseph Richins tribe.
AJ is this new name, as of this school year.

Grant took the day off for teacher conferences. Alex is better than great. Emily is doing very bad.

But that is another night. Tonight, I'm thinking of my kids art and my young art days. Do you have any memorable art?


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oxygen

Set in this world, in this time, right here in seattle.

I don't just love it because it's from the point of view of an anesthesiologist. (written by one too)

I love it because its an inside view of hospital politics, and what malpractice really means to the medical side of a suit.

Now I'm off to give my blood, find shoes and return over due library books. All before conferences.

Hmmm. Maybe I don't need shoes.


Oh, almost forgot! What are you reading now? Or what books did you read, and you haven't forgotten how good they were?

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Worse than shopping for jeans

Shoe shopping.

Athletic shoe shopping.

For years target and payless shoes have been off limits.

The foot, arch, ankle, calf, knee, hip, and back were not worth the beauty.

Because pretty shoes have been off limits, I love others stunning use of shoes as accessories.

I've been teased a lot for my shoe choices I know it ages me. I know white socks and running shoes make even my Best outfits looks tacky.

Pretty, painless shoes starts at 120$. Sucks.

Recently black women's athletic shoes have come down in price.
My shoes are dead. They are black enough to not detract from my outfit. They have enough color to not look like old lady black shoes. (shudder) but they are dead.

Now I'm torturing myself looking for new ones. Thanks to a sisters phone call, I'm not crying.

I feel ugly and stupid and old having these shoes 6 days a week.

Looking for fresh shoes just makes me feel that much more ugly . I can hear the teasing.

I've left the store defeated. Nothing that was strong enough and black enough.

I'll wait to try again. When I have more confidence.


Stupid stupid shoes.

I'm so glad I tortured myself for a week finding jeans that compliment my new body.

Jeans verses shoes, which one do you hate shopping for?


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The day formerly known as wednesday

Emily wants to call it ......
The day alex is extra mean
Stupid brother day
I wish he was dead so piano lessons would just be for me day.

Alex wants it to be...
The day Emily gets grounded.
The day my sister kicked a foot indent in my ribs.
Day of being second for lessons, cause I hurt.

I just want it to be tomorrow.

Which continues to make me believe I really can't be a solo mom and keep them in lessons.
If if don't quit just because of practice time fibs, it will be because lesson day drama is too much.


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Friday night date for 5

Joe I, alex, grant, emily and rachel.

Redmond high school performance of "pippin".


Great company. Not so great play. Not because of the sex and swearing. I know it ticks my MIL off, but it was great!

It was my first time seeing it all. Reeked of the worst of the 70s. And my sleep problems kicked in while I was still enjoying it. I had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't raise them in my half dreaming stuper. I kept wanting to ask the teacher questions Today as I jogged on the underwater treadmill at pt, I also wanted to complain about the peanut butter hands.

I've got to much anger towards the world to succumbe to sleep now. I feel like a teenager myself because of the angst. Just like when I fought against missing a dance, it seems like I'm told my anger is my own fault .

Only this time as I act the part of a teenager, its not my turn to shine on stage while singing a catchy tune.



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No rest for the Sabbath weary

Thoughts as the Sabbath winds down  (photos from May trip to in-laws)

1. Can you rip your soft palate? I felt something there rip as I sang a late woman her part in choir this morning.  It was a high soprano part.  That I whisper sang.   My friend said I sounded so beautiful.  I didn’t realize I still had that potential.   I’m still hurting, and I have no idea what to do. 

2.  I should just lie and say, “fine”  when people ask how I’m doing.  Most  don’t want to really know.   If they did, knowing would not change anything, so “fine” really is the safest answer.   So now that I’m at a point where nothing is changing, “fine” is the best answer.  Even for those who want to know more.

3. Eating food is the 1st thing that always makes me happy.   It’s so nice to eat anything and not feel sick.

 

4.At dinner, with homemade gravy, Emily bravely tried some on a sliver of potato.  “Yummy!  this tastes just like spaghetti sauce!”   Does that mean my gravy is good or bad?

5. The family has been wheat free for 2 weeks.  It’s been easier than I thought.  Grant has been a great baker on the weekends.  Wheat-free muffins and cookies, oh my!

6.  Grant pulled hot cookies (wheat free)out of the oven.  He added them to the table laden with pot roast, potatoes, gravy, and peas.  He put them right in front of me.    He told the kids they could eat all the cookies they wanted.

 

7.  Mark was sitting in a high chair, right next to me.  Cookies!  Meat!  And a mini gravy bowl!  All got dipped in the gravy.  Even the gravy.  Which he also drank.

8. I miss being skinny.  Right now I’d rather be in pain and skinny, than better and fat.  The meds, and my #1 happy activity have me up 35 pounds.

9. Emotional heartache is worse that a back ache.

10. Singing is the 2nd thing that makes me happy.  I wasn’t able to sing in church, or in my evening Stake choir.  My mouth (soft pallet) hurt to much.   I really needed to be happy.

 

11.  I’m more emotionally fragile than I realized.   I’m more physically fragile than I let myself believe.  I could really use a, “be gentle with me”  button.  

What are your thoughts this Sabbath day?

Photos recently re-remembered  from Memorial Weekend trip to California.  I really was crazy a month after major surgery, when I insisted our family drive (12 hrs)  to my in-laws.

1. Katelyn discovers that McDonalds serves breakfast
2. Mark giving my favorite smile to show his approval of McDonald sausages
3. (aunt) Colleen Colleen,  the Beauty Queen helps Emily show off a Great Aunt's evening gown.
4. Securing his spot as favorite Uncle, Kurt tickles Cousin Brian, Emily and Alex as the same time.
5. Alex smiles during the "who loves you" game with Grandma Dorothy
6. Trying to get a bigger piece of inheritance, Mark gives Great Grandma Alice a dinner smile.
7. Great-Granddad Smith hollers at the TV, teaching me the real way to enjoy Mexican Female Wrestling
8. Cooling off in the California sun, Grant shows that he really could be fatter. Really, that was the whole point of it.
9. Alex admires a sword, as Granddad tells a story
10. With her Great Grandparents, Kate shows she's rather be playing
11. Much to the amusement of Great Grandma Alice, a wonderful laugh is displayed while Grant tickles Mark. Or Grant shows of new teeth?

Step one- open...

...you eyes.
Grant turned off the alarm clock
My still joints ache.
How can I do the next step,

Pushing myself in an upright and awake position?

Staying in bed instead.

Drat.
Forgot I have a bladder.
Here I go again. 1, 2, 3, up!

Up!

Up!

Made it, Phew! Now on to the next hurdle, waking the kids.

Step one, turn on their lights.
Step two, start singing.
Step three, pat them awake.

Very different than grants.

How do you wake up your school kids?

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what if?

what if you knew you had an invisible illness?

what if no one believe the doctors you saw, the tests you had, the medical choices you made, the pain you had?

what if they thought you were faking it, and faking it to get attention and drugs?

Grant says "You're paranoid, you shouldn't assume other people's thoughts."
Close friends say, "why would it matter? don't let other people tell you how your life is"
Doctors say, "Why do you care? You really are going to let uneducated people make your medical choices?"But what if you found out you were right?

What if you found out that people really had been talking those bad things? What if you found out that of all the kind things people had said to you, that some of those same people were talking about your fake attempt for attention and drugs?

Could you leave your house, knowing that most people you talked to thought you were faking it? Would you continue to be vulnerable, going to church and talking to neighbors?

What if it wasn't what if anymore?

How can I even open my door, or my mouth anymore?

Emily wishes

photo..emily in the middle, right after the assembly.

Today is the day. A celebration I'm just now understanding enough to do anything about it.

A celebration marked by a school assembly. By the way, I don't ever remember an assembly for anything meaningful like respecting those who give career and life to their government. Especially in a country where so many refuse to give part of their money (or even their time to vote) toward the same place. it's especially ironic that my ghetto high school would fail so about celebrating veterans when half of the non pregnant graduates signed up for the army. Few served in other places.

Weeks ago emily came home ...
Jumping and dancing. More than normal. She got one of a few parts in the whole school assembly. She didn't know what to write, because she didn't have anyone in her family that served in a war.

No one? That stopped me, which is getting harder to do. All 4 of her grandpas served in WWII. One of them was highly decorated and even served his whole career in military service. Emily herself colored on letters that I sent to my cousin Dan in Iraq. Half the time the military post offices didn't know where he was. Their system for mail is poor, in my opinion. I had a sheet of printed mailing labels. All the same. Some letter went thru. Many came back. Rarely did two slowly returned letters have the same error message. I especially hate the one that said he was no longer serving. Tell that to my worried Aunt!

So they don't get the perks of the job right. The system has flaws, more or less depending on who you ask or how they feel about our military general. This war is good to are that even with such a division, everyone agrees that those who serve or who have served are heroes. Now excuse me, I've got to pull out the photo albums so my kids know their grandpas are all heroes too.

Oh, emily opened the event with her remarks. Many remarked how she was the best performer, she was a star, they loved how she marched. My opera sister should be proud to know that I see her in emily. But, she doesn't read this, so I wouldn't know. Emily can sing every military branches song, including the coast guards.

Did you know their song has something like this is the song for the coast guard in its first line? Made me giggle. So proud of emily and so glad I could go and see her.

Now I'm off to tell the kids about their grandpas. While we clean up the mess in the kitchen from morning parental sleeping.


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Breakfast of champion vegans

Emily and kate, saturday morning. Yes, this is morning, not dinner.

Some kids get to watch cartoons on saturday morning. Some kids get sugar cereals on saturday morning. Like most mornings, saturday is just another day to pick what you want for breakfast. Emily and kate chose a big bowl of peas, from last nights dinner.

For breakfast.

I can't even say this is the first time . From her nasty kidney meds
That left her hating sweets, she always prefered veggies. We hid her nightly powder meds in all kinds of holed out candy, spoons of ice cream, and cut cookies. Many times when ice cream was offer for dinner she pointed and fussed until we gave her a bowl of broccoli instead. I'm not joking.

Related is a. "I never thought I'd say that as a parent!" moment. I've also said at many meals, "no more veggies until you eat some rice or meat." it made me laugh every time!

So it was normal for the girls to be chomping on a bowl of peas like they were Lucky Charms. I did insist that they also eat some protein. They picked nuts, and sprinkled them like sugar top.

They ate it all, I think. Actually, I was at a church event. But they were nearly there when I left.

Oh, thank you god for giving me some silly traits along with the tough ones!


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green breakfast, who needs food coloring?

by his own request, chosen from his sisters chosen breakfast.

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This time, a smile!

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Mark's losing it

Its happening to fast.

A demand to be moved.

He has no right to demand. Unless it's a bottle. Or more fries

Or a cup, 20 minutes into dinner. This one demand makes me feel bad. Nearly every night we forget. Until he screams holy terror. On the bright side, its one of the few times he says, "No!" Seriously. We point to every item of food on the table as we hear no no no. Then every night, desperate, grant starts pointing at silverware. In his defense, mark often is demanding a fork or spoon. Hmmm. I now realize that was just the first step in this slippery slope. So grant will point to a fork. Them to food on his plate, the best food in the kitchen. Then to the cup. "Moe, peas!" (more please. Aww!) was his reply tonight. Again.

It's a good thing we don't have teenagers, or they would smirk at the stupidity of their parents failed pattern skills. Even Kate can tell a repeating pattern, duh!

So you can see that Mark doesn't have many unreasonable demands.

Tonight was NOT a reasonable demand.

If you know our pattern, you would know that Friday night is movie night. That's what we tell the kids, to get them excited about sorting their own week's dirty laundry. You need to know this because I want you to applauded my ingenuity. Because you don't need to know why we watched a movie and how that lead to popcorn.

Popcorn is popped. Kitchen and laundry room happen to be clean, leading Mark to eat yet another culinary delight in his high chair. Tonight he didn't go. Rare, but okay. He ran from me as I grabbed his small body. Very rare, but he is a kid. Then he climbed on the bench. The bench that gets the bad end of dinner quarrels. And he sits. He won't be moved. He demands that I let him sit on the bench to eat. Just like the other kids. Just like they eat with forks. And talk. And talk back. And potty train. And potty mouth train.


And that is how Mark has edged even closer to that slippery slope leaving babyland. Be still my heart! It aches as I see yet another step our baby has taken out of babyland. For this time it's not just a hypothetical last one. It is really and truly our last one. So that slippery slope seems more steep thank before.



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Fashionista at 8

Emily stands in the family room. Waiting for alex to out on her shoes, she catches her reflection in the sliding glass doors. She strikes a runway model pose and speaks in a deadpan runway announcer voice. Emily's own words, I swear, "'All ready for school. Dressed in the nice classic of white, black, red, and brown. [pause as she looks over herself again] And gold and purple. And yellow. Classic." looks at me and strikes abother runway pose


Classic.
When I think of dressing classic, I always look for a combo of black, white, red and brown.

So I had her move to the kitchen and strike another pose. Or 5.

Made me smile after a rough morning of Alex fighting every word and command. We stayed cool. I feel verbally beat up. He kept switching topics and people or objects that were ruining his life.
So witnessing emily washed me with a love of parenting.

Oh, read it again. This time, know that we have never watched project runway or top model. I can only guess its from off commercials.

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A hands width

This is my little man, just taken. I was resting on my bed. Weary from my errands, I had to rest my pain away. Pondering what Kates therapist said...this TIME has damaged more than me. I think I will always call it this TIME.

Every little body in this house was left hurt. Kate was at a major developmental stage, and it has left her with neurological issues. She and mark missed out much on the important closeness needed to help them self calm. Yes, we had help. But seeing kate now just shows it wasn't enough.

So I'm pondering how this could happen, how the physical hell I suffered would leave my children permanently altered. With work, it would become more acceptable.


Work

I'm overwhelmed with my own mountain of work to become my new normal. Now I get to add to it my children's work. And we let the nanny go in january.

I made these thoughts stop by opening my laptop. Others problems make no room for mine.

Then mark climbs up on my bed. He is calmer than normal. I enjoyed rubbing his back as I got lost in blogs.

Then the words of Kates teacher echo..the missed touch and attention

I slammed the laptop shut (sorry grant!) and looked at my little guy. I rubbed his back with purpose.

It was then that I realized than his back's width was less than my hands width. Looking at my hands, the smallest part of me. And his back was smaller. His perfect little body, so tiny.

All these thoughts let to this photo. Which led to this post because I didn't want to forget that his back was less than my hand when I started to get better.


This photo is from my bed, with the bed light shunning right up his face. Love what it managed to capture.


Now that little man is throwing dvds off My bed so no time to spell check!!!



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A decade of motherhood

Ten years I first looked into his eyes. After I looked at his misshapen head, that is.

He happily opened his gifts The last one got the above reaction. A classic model car, a porche. With a knife to cut the parts. And paint to made it his own.

Happy happy day.

Since the start of his kindergarten, I haven't been able to personally bring birthday treats to his classroom.

Today changed that changed.

A happy birthday, indeed.

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